DAWGGEDLY PURSUED
From Wassup Dawg: Reading Network the other day and seeing some comments by Chump-Change Edwards really just pissed me off, because people have made incorrect assumptions about me my entire life, Net: You’re a woman, right? and dealing with negative stereotypes is the most frustrating thing in the world because a lot of people never believe racism or sexism ever exists because they, being white and male, never experienced it. Chump-Change so easily made assumptions that certain women were “trolling for husbands,” and I know for a fact he would have no problem talking shit about me as well. Have you ever seen the TV show, “Cops,” where they pull a guy out of his car at gunpoint? That’s happened to me TWICE. Net: Maybe you should stop driving. You’ve never feared for your life until a bunch of pigs have you on the ground with their weapons drawn, yelling, “PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM.” Net: Don’t call them pigs. What did they ever do to you? It’s called a felony pull over. I’ve never done anything that would warrant my being treated like a felon; the only time I’ve ever been in court was for the torpitudinous crime of skateboarding. Net: God bless the police for keeping our sidewalks safe. I remember coming through customs in Miami, and just for me, they brought out the drug-sniffing dogs, put me up against a wall and patted me down. Do you see a pattern here, or are the cops targeting me just all in my imagination? All my life, people been making incorrect assumptions of me. Net: You’re a woman, right? Cops ask me if I’m in a gang, “Do you have any drugs or weapons in your vehicle,” and my classmates ask me to hook them up with “A,” “E,” “X,” and just about every form of “D” imaginable. I am an upright citizen and I’ve worked hard for everything I’ve ever earned, and then someone like Chump-Change can flippantly make a stupid comment, and it can really serve to marginalize me and anything I’ve ever worked for. It’s people like Chump-Change that create glass ceilings for women, unequal pay, racial profiling by the police, and pretty much everything in the world that just sucks. I hate him and everyone that looks like him, Net: Uh, white people? males? ugly people? Chump-Change truly deserves a good old-fashion beat-down. Net: That sounds like a felony threat. Officer!
GIMME BEER AND PORN, YUDOF
From Shasta McNasty: Well, I’m walking through what I can of campus today, and I see these people trying to give me something, and being the cautious g-slice that I am, and assuming these peeps are giving away free pocket Bibles or the newest issue of “The Vegan News,” I avoid them like the plague. Net: How standoffish. You should embrace the plague with open arms. Well, as it turns out, these people are with the University giving out granola bars and milk as the University’s way of saying sorry for all the construction going on here. Yeah, like that’s really gonna make up for all the f’in dust I get in my eyes every day, and the crowds of people I have to deal with. Shit, they should be handing out hard hats and safety goggles, not some damn warm skim milk. Net: You ingrateful bastard. Are your eyes so damned important? So hear me Mark U-dof, if your gonna give away free stuff to make us like what your SODOMY SURVIVAL GUIDE
doing, hand out porn mags or cold beer or something that I, as well as most everyone else, can use. Peace.
From PsychoMantis: I was eating breakfast and enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of the cafeteria in Centennial Hall when I encountered Idiot King‘s letter regarding gay sex in the West Bank bathrooms. While I am not an anonymous gay sex enthusiast, I think that our society has somewhat of a double standard. If a man and a woman were going at it in a bathroom stall, I doubt they’d get much more than a chuckle and a warning, Net: And a site on the Internet but when two men get caught by the cops, you know they’d be in pretty deep doo-doo.
With that in mind, I have been contemplating solutions to this issue that will allow cruisers-for-sex to continue their activities while leaving the rest of us alone. Net: Anything to help those cruisers. It seems to me that we need discreet, yet clear, signs that tell the world that we are not interested. Here are my three favorite ways to respectfully say “no thanks”:
1) Wear big clown shoes when in bathroom stalls. Choice in shoes is critical, since they’re going to give a first impression to incoming sex-seekers, and they’re sure to leave anyone with especially bizarre footwear alone. Net: Unless they have the rare clown fetish.
2) Bring a Bible into the stall and read it — out loud. This will immediately remove you from contention and could possibly even assist you in your spiritual growth. This works especially well if you read very loudly in a thick Southern accent. Net: And He shall rain fire down upon the cruisers, and they shall know He is the Lord.
3) Use the women’s bathroom. As far as I know, they don’t have this problem, so if you go in there, you will certainly be free of harassment from gay men.
Follow these three suggestions, and you, too, can lead a happy, healthy, sodomy-free life. If you still feel strongly that gay sex has no place in the bathrooms, I suggest that you pester the appropriate authorities and demand that the Coffman renovation incorporate an area designated for anonymous male-male sexual encounters. Net: Coffman Memorial Bath House. That way, we reclaim our ability to defecate in peace Net: Ahhhhhhh. and they can continue to experience pleasures of an intensity we can only imagine. Everybody wins!
