Net: The soft parad…

Net: The soft parade continues Á
SWEETTHURSDAYLOVIN’
From Muff Pirate: Ahoy net! Net: Yar Now that the campaign is over, I will offer up my genius campaign slogans, to be admired by all. The all-noticing Net Net: We really do notice with the best of them will notice they are for the elephants, not the asses. I affiliate with neither animal. But being a scrupulous pirate, I would have sold my genius to the elephants for diamond-studded jewelry and the muff of a Scandinavian princess. But it is too late. Their loss, I guess. My slogans would appeal to the “kinky vote” and the “Anyone Nutwith Uh Sexdrivevote” otherwise known as the ANUS. Net: ZUH? Here goes:
National ANUS Slogan: “Bush and Dick, we have something for everyone!” This would appeal to everyone but the asexuals, which are few in number. Net: We’re the only one we’ve ever met
Local/National Kinky Vote Slogan: “Rod, Dick, and Bush! Join the ORGY!!” Blunt, but to the point.
I believe this would have led to a rush on the polls, an elephant landside victory, and a porno titled “Wet and Wild Precinct Muff and Poll Action” staring Newt Gingrich. Net: We think we saw him on Cinemax the other Friday night, but it was scambled, so who knows? By the way, I am recruiting for a voyage to far away lands, in search of foreign muff and the origin of the saber-tooth crotch cricket. Any volunteers out there? Smu-th? So long Net!!! I’ll leave you with a tune: “Sixteen men on some quadruple D breasts, Yo Ho Ho and a load of NUT”

From Nutty McSlapslap: Hey Net, just a jotting to call that Kuk-NUT out onto the carpet. Net: LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLEEEE Á Does he even read the paper? (not news, I mean sports, Network and possibly Editorial if I’m in the mood for a good laugh) When did Josh Linehan ever rip the hockey team, or the football team for that matter? Net: It was in his best-selling book “I HATE ALL SPORTS” available at your local bookstore I challenge Nut-E-Nobrains to produce such an article. As for the hoops squad, the worst cheating scandal ever probably did deserve a little more than a gentle slap in the left testicle. Net: Righty deserved as much punishment as Lefty, in our opinion
And what’s up with that chump constantly referring to Gophers sports teams as WE? Net: Easy, he plays on all sports teams, either that or he is Tom Moe Does he play on some team I’m not aware of? Did Minnesota recently add “Beating off to JC Penney ads” to its varsity sports roster? I propose a new award for this jackbag. We’ll call it the “Dumbest ever entry to Network by a shameless jock-sniffer attempting to score easy points by ripping on the sports section and Madison in an attempt to make a crappy life more bearable” award. Sheesh. I bet he listens to Creed. Net: Ouch Á AndnowIgottagogrababeerorsixteenifyouknowwhatI’msayingsotellyourmomIsaidhi…..

From Sarcasmo: Sarcasmo is our name and funny is our game. So, I was at work and feeling the pangs of the hunger so I says to myself, “Subway sounds mighty fine.” Net: Then you realized you we’re in Minneapolis and took the bus I got some time before my next class so why not grab a QUICK sandwich for my belly. Much to my surprise there were more people than anticipated. Net: IN THE SANDWICH?!? DEAR GOD! Most surprising, the one person working was a Subway Nazi. This person felt it was his given right to refuse subs to innocent, hungry bystanders who are good at math. I was the lucky one who escaped unscathed, however the man in front of me was denied and humiliated in front of us. When the man felt he was being over-charged the Subway Nazi turned and threw the sub in a pile of more subs (earlier denied customers) and said, “I will not let you buy this sub.” Net: Subs are not for those who doubt their power After arguing with the Subway Nazi the man left in a tizzy. I, however, had to listen to the Subway Nazi claim rightfulness in this Seinfeldian drama which unfolded in front of my very eyes on a Tuesday evening in Stadium Village. Please for the love of subs, do not let this Subway Nazi deny you of your hunger quenching right. Stand up to the Subway Nazi or forever be subless. Net: Or go to Big Mikes Á (Hey, Mike send us money and subs for that one)

From the leper: My dearest Net, I didn’t catch the first entry about slang, but let me finish it.
Masturbation: rubbing one out, tickling one out, raping your hand, fist fuck, best friend. Net: Spanking the stiff marmot
oral sex: skull, naggin’ das, sucky fucky, mic check Net: Probing the brace cave (If she/he has braces)
genitalia: the vag, pelt, ganch, the little man in the boat, the fur-burger, the whisker bisquit Net: Mr./Mrs. HappyPantToy
do-do-ing: laying some cable, dropping some ass, Net: Revenge of the previous night’s beer Á
mullets: the mud flap! Net: We’re stumped on this one
briefs: banana hammocks Net: Nutkillers

From ender: hey wassup Network??? Let’s get some stuff straight, Bizzaro is pure comic genius, as is Calvin and Hobbes. Net: Wethinks it’s been a long time since you’ve read the paper Á Calvin left our pages many moons ago Dr. Date does indeed suffer from severe pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicolvulcanocoliosis … I fear the end is near. Oh, before I forget, there is a trio out to kidnap Goldie Gopher. I can’t reveal names… Must claim the fifth… Being a techie, I must vent my frustrations in poetry… Net: Better than computer viruses we guess. Say, what was that attachment you sent us?

windows really sucks
three hours; still no DVD Net: Hours = 2 syl.
plug and play?!?! my ash!!!

samsung, you suck too!
no drivers for your stuff??? Net: Only 6 syl.
die die die die die!!!!

BILL GATES!!!!!!! DIE DIE DIE
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
DIE DIE DIE DIE GOOD!!!!

Net: Silly Macintosh users … *SIgh*