FROM OUR COMPLAINT DEPARTMEN
From Adder: What is wrong with Network these days? Before this year there were never public service announcements in this section of the Daily, thus making it the most often read part. However, we, the loyal readers of Network, are now being subjected to everything from explanations of religious holidays to appeals to free Burma. While these may be very serious and important topics, they do not belong in Network. It is the very fact that there is nothing serious in Network that makes people read it.
Back when I was a kid, we had tales of stupid freshman, drunken morons (a.k.a. frat boys), lovesick loners and occasional squirrel uprisings (that’s occasional, not every day) along with our 5-mile walk to school, uphill both ways, in knee-deep snow and -100 degree wind chills.
Net: Ah, yes. The good old days, when regurgitated “Simpsons” jokes and endless discussion of “Star Wars” kept the University community enthralled. Remember all those jokes where gay sex was invariably the punch line? Yeah — kind of brings a tear to your eye.
Network tries to print as many submissions as possible, with as much variety as possible. Student groups are encouraged to send in announcements (do try to make them entertaining, of course). After all, Network is an open forum for the University community, not for a few frat-boy gatekeepers and/or the squirrel army (although they’ve both been awfully apparent lately). No one group controls Network — except NITWIT.
Speaking of NITWIT, we asked them what they thought of various current events in the Net community. On Burma: “Free ’em,” NITWIT said. “Down with the fascist oppressor.” On religious holidays: “Love ’em. Lots of gifts. Down with the fascist oppressor.” On lovesick loners: “Dr. Date. Love ’em.” And the squirrels. “ACK! They’re everywhere! Stop! Orange tails …” And then they ran away.
So until next time …

HAIR-RAISING TEMPERATURES
From Mathlady: You know, sometimes I just want to smack some people upside the head. Net: You know, sometimes we do too. What’s your phone number? I was on the bus returning from the St. Paul campus, when I saw one of the stupidest things I’d ever seen. A group of students were standing outside of Moos Tower, and all of them had their hands to their ears. Net: Duh. It was cold today. Who do you want, Vincent Van Gogh? How about Evander Holyfield? Now that looks stupid in itself, but then let me add the fact that they all had hoods on their jackets. Hello?!
This is Minnesota (finally the weather’s acting like it). Net: Yeah. If you want a hood, go to East L.A. It gets cold here. Sometimes you have to sacrifice a potential good-hair day so your ears don’t fall off. Net: Only if you have a fashionably short hair style. Otherwise, freeze away. Give us a head with hair, long beautiful hair …
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM
From Hybrid Seed: Net: Omigod! She’s cloning herself! As I creeped along in 25-mph freeway traffic this snowy morning, endeavoring to reach the sacred confines of my class to ace my quiz, I pondered these thoughts: Why don’t pop rocks exist anymore? Net: Because Disney bought all the stations that played it. Where did all the 1976 memorabilia go once the Bicentennial was over with? Net: Saved for Art Linkletter for the set of “Dazed and Confused” — didn’t you notice? How many people in these freeway lanes aren’t wearing any underwear? Net: Three, according to the unedited version of the “Everybody Hurts” video. And do they have to do more spot treating when laundry day comes around?
Who makes the rules about carpool lanes? Net: Republicans (the bastards). Why doesn’t every condom vendor sell a Magnum size? Why are Magnum condoms only available in minority neighborhoods? Net: We won’t touch that — it’s too large a target. (Just try to find them at a suburban Target — you’ll see my quandary).
And why did Dr. Date become a daily feature of the Daily? Net: Because what the world needs now is love, kinky love. Wasn’t it once a weekly feature … or did it just move and catch my attention more often all of the sudden? Is it true that pubic lice can live on toilet seats for 24 hours and jump/cling to an unsuspecting party without said party noticing? Net: Yes. Girlfriends on the rebound can do the same thing. Is Art Bell really the second Christ? Net: No. Albert Belle is. Just ask him. Does Wisconsin really have more inbred folks per capita than Arkansas? Net: Ask Chelsea Clinton. Is cheese the primary cause of constipation? Does the average male ejaculate an average of 12 times in a calendar week?
Is there any validity to the hypothesis that the theaters at the Mall of America put powdered mushrooms on the popcorn for the cool-looking patrons? Net: No. Does First Avenue really have a secret tunnel to the old Shubert theater across the street that allows bands playing at Seventh St. Entry to have special parties for the cuter groupies? Net: Yes, and NITWIT’s there constantly, in case you ever want to get hooked up. Are there really bedrooms and make-out rooms over there that will be squelched when the Block E land parcel is emptied and the Shubert is moved some two blocks away?

COME-ON OF THE DAY
From Lil D to Beer Bong Girl: Let me warm you to the wonders of car mechanics.
We could take your car over to my special garage where I could lift you up on my hoist to inspect you from underneath. I would run my fingers along your belts to check for wear and pinch your hoses for soft spots.
I could give you my special lube job and a full fluid exchange, and should the need arise, I would attach my starter to the underside of your engine block … Net: … and you get the picture. We’ll leave things to Dr. Date now. Until tomorrow … peace out, and hasta la victoria siempre!