From Insanebiker: Dear Net, I implore thee to apply thy wit to the following lines of scripture. Net: Has anyone seen our duct tape? Have you ever noticed all of the morons who stand on the street corners waiting for the light to turn? Net: Only when they’re within spitting range. They walk up and push the little button like the sign says to. Net: We bet these are the same insolent brats who tried to fit the round peg in the round hole in kindy-garden. When the light doesn’t turn right away, they push it again. If someone else has already pushed it, they go up and do it again. They are good trained little animals. Net: And even the best-trained critters need to be whipped across the derriere with a belt now and again. What they don’t realize is that the buttons aren’t hooked up to anything. The lights are on a timing system. Net: WHAT? You mean …?! We’ve been …?! But what about …?! We thought the …!! And all this time we thought one of the monkeys in Moos Tower was getting a shot of cocaine every time we pressed the button. Everybody knows that. If the lights are on a timer, why wouldn’t the crossing lights be on the same one? The buttons are there so people think the light will turn faster. Net: Pavlov would be so proud. The really stupid thing is that they still continue to do it even though it doesn’t get them anywhere any faster. Net: Ramp meters are borne of the same evil logic. “Waiting so you don’t have to wait.” Sheesh. Do they think that all of a sudden the light will change because they pushed a magic button? I can just see the people at the city DOT with a large map that flashes at the intersection every time someone pushes the button. Net: We think it would be cool if every time that happened someone would have to holler: “Huzzah! Twenty pounds for the king!” They must get a kick out of all of those idiots out there. Net: Whaddya think the cameras are for? Well, I need to school some freshpeople on how to commit suicide, but I hope to grace thee with my presence Net: Presents would be fine in the near future
From Inked: With all the negative posts in Network recently, I thought it time for some good stuff. Net: At what point do all of the entries that mutter something along the lines of “let’s brighten up the place” actually begin to brighten up the place? Is Sisyphus somehow involved in this nefarious cycle?
With all the news of the decrepit Art Building, the point has been lost why we art students stay here. Net: We just figgered it was that homeless guy who sells roses on one of the Seven Corners. You see, the faculty is tremendous! They keep this whole program together! Net: Does anyone else smell the sarcasm wafting about? Guy and Tom and Jim and Karl and Mark … And don’t forget the people behind the scenes, especially Mark K. and Cindy C. Net: Which one of them is the nude model? If I forgot anybody, and I did, it’s because of the asbestos in my brain. Net: Ha! There it is ….
From Nasty McShasty: Yeah, I had to change my name from Shasta McNasty, because UPN was getting all over me about it and soon they were gonna bring in lawyers and stuff, and I got scared. Net: It’s probably because more people read this column than watch that fright pig of a “show.” With that said, my entry today is going to be nothing but good, positive things, because I know there are a lot of f&@ks out there who are sick of my (and most other Networkians’) negative views on everything. Net: Here we go again … I apologize for the negativity I bring, but I love it, and it gives me warm fuzzies when I know that 40,000 f&@k-os are reading it. Net: Ladies and Gentlemen, Network proudly presents the author of “How to Win Friends With Insults!” So anyways, back to my positives. We had our first two games of intramural broomball last night and we kicked ass thanks to Zeta Psi (who suck a large one at broomball) Net: Is that all? and some other team with guys who act like they are 50 or somethin’. After I got a little bit feisty and hit a guy, he told me to “Calm down, kid.” Hey lissen, @$$hole, I may act like I’m 6 or 7, but don’t call me kid. Net: Try “Tiger,” “Champ” or “Slugger” instead, Old Timer. Besides, we kicked your ass. Oh yeah, think positives. Well, I guess it was pretty cool to see the Rams win the Super Bowl, and to Wookie, I agree Kurt Warner’s wife does have a Net: subscription to Grunt Head Monthly, and a striking resemblance to a lesbo — the butch kind. Net: Lesbians are like wine varietals … it all depends on what mood you’re in. Well, those are about the only two positive things that I can even think of, so I guess I’ll see all of y’all on the flipside or some gay saying Net: Now, now. Try “happy” instead. like that. Peace.

From Sisao: With graduation right around the corner, I thought I would share with the unholy Network community three ridiculously important items I have learned over the past four melodious years. Net: Three outta four ain’t bad. If each bit of knowledge was a segment of society, you’d be a regular John Rocker.
1) At college, there are two types of people, jocks and nerds.
Net: 1.5) Obviously, Sissy has watched a few too many ’80s movies between hits on the ol’ hookah pipe. You forgot about the nontrads and the shouldadroppedouts, Ferris.
2) Grass is a Spam-tastic source for dewy goodness. Net: (We have no idea what this means, but we’ll play along because we’re supposed to be all-knowing and omnipotent and all that crap) … You got that right, brother!
3) Finally, and quite possibly most importantly, never mix the act of snorting Pixie Stix and smoking sweet, sweet crack in northeast Minneapolis.
Net: 3.5) PEZ, Sweet Tarts, the sugar stick (but not the powder) from Lik-M-Aid, Mentos or Smarties are acceptable substitutes. Crushing them up first is optional. But you didn’t hear any of that from us. Mama Net would kill us.
Thank you.
Net: And thank you, Networkia, for holding open the door to your crazed, pitiful minds and letting us sassily saunter through.