he FTC’s ‘Silver Sewer’ award

Net: Did you stay up all night wondering? Did you rush to campus this morning at 6 a.m.? Are your hands tingling with anticipation? Have you stopped reading this already and moved on the finale of yesterday’s riveting letter? Did you make impromptu bets with your friends on whether or not the Sidewalk Commie would move? Well, now that you’ve tuned into us — same net-time, same net-channel — here we have the exciting conclusion to:
WALK OF TERROR
She … moved! Net: *gasp* This hairy, Abercrombie-laden faux-protester moved to the correct side of the sidewalk! As she rudely brushed by me, she whispered what I so longingly wanted to hear. Net: “Take me, you crazy, ugly bastard?” “A**hole,” she said (think Dubya vs. NYT reporter) Net: Goddamn journalist NUTholes.
Network, I hold that intended insult as a symbol of pride today. Net: Don’t we all I had triumphed over a Sidewalk Commie; and not just I, but justice and the American Way had triumphed with me. And lest there be any confusion, the “correct” side of the sidewalk is thus: the nearest edge of the sidewalk should always be on your right-hand side. Net: What if you walk backwards? If you don’t know your left from your right, try this: hold up both of your hands and extend your index finger and thumb on each. The hand that makes an “L” is your left. The other hand is your right. If you don’t know what an “L” is, then you’re a ‘Sconnie and we have no use for you anyway. Network, I’m gone like Tupac. Net: We’re gone like Skee-Lo.
TYPICAL STEREO
From FattySlapMcSlappyNuttySlapSlap: Although ridiculing “Jersey-chasing froshies” is certainly fun for all of us, Net: And how! let’s stereotype another student organization. Net: Lets! U of M ATHLETES. Especially our lovely football players. Football players register for classes before anyone else, take the easiest classes at “Ghetto College,” and get out of class for “University of Minnesota business.” Net: Yeah, but they do drive the nicest cars Why question a football player’s absence? We all know that going to work out is more important than school work. Hey — good luck at that Fortune 500 position that was offered to you because of a gleaming 50 yard pass! Athletes get great deals, Net: 15 percent off shoe repair Á bastards! great jobs, and luxury apartments. Athletes have the best living arrangements on campus. A lot of athletes (football players Net: thanks for the clarification) live in Roy Wilkins Hall, which is close to campus, near the main area of campus Net: It’s close to campus AND near the main area of campus? WOW! Is it also within easy walking distance of campus? Is it also a short distance away from the University of Minnesota? as well as in a more quiet location. Net: I’m sure that’s why they like it Unfortunately, you cannot get an apartment there unless you are 6’2, 260 lbs. Net: Sounds like most of the sororities on campus Oh, by the way, to all you sexy football players who meet us “SoHo’s” in our “Capri’s and halter-tops …” We’ve noticed that y’all seem to call us the night after you meet us around 2 or 3 a.m. Net: They need linemen for the practice team Keep dreaming boys … You are completely misled if you think that EVERYTHING is that easy! Net: It’s actually easier.
FATALITY!
From Bold Type: OK, so some people in the entertainment industry are advertising their “mature” movies, games, and music toward kids. Net: That’s our key demographic That’s wrong and they should stop, but then people use this to bring up the old argument about violent media making kids violent. Net: Fluoride in the water does that That decaying carcass of an argument isn’t even worth speaking of anymore, so I usually ignore their whining about it. But why do they show those feature stories and debates about the subject keep showing kids playing Doom and Killer Instinct? You really aren’t making a good argument with such games whose violence is minimal compared to what is available today. Net: Yeah, in Missile Command you blow up entire cities! Not to mention Pong! It is equal to using Elvis as an example of a musician who is too sexy for children when Madonna exists. Net: Or Kim Milford as a bad actor when Richard Gere exists Are you people even doing any research into your argument? Doesn’t look like it. P.S. Pr0n Rules! Net: |\|3T (l33t haxor) oWnz J0000.

FUNNY HEADING
From Smakhigh: Hiya net — Maybe you can “straighten” me out here. Is it cool to look like a gay prostitute? Net: Yes If the “save the rainforest” ‘tards hadn’t distracted me from those scooter toolin’, shirtless, all wireless whores, I’d think the set of Johns Pt. Deux had moved to University Ave. Net: ZUH? I mean please. Get a pair of tennis shoes, a champion sweatshirt, and a damn psychiatrist. Go to f-ing Carleton! Net: That’s harsh
Excuse me while I digress with a tepid mixture of Eclipse and ShoppersValu Vodka. Net: We prefer Our Family brand scotch, or maybe BestYet brand tequila.
About the Wham-O Roller-Racer: It was basically a cheap pile of garbage. Net: And a scooter is different how? We still would pay money to see someone wriggle across campus on a Roller-Racer What a sorry substitute for a big-wheel! The wham-0-crapper was allegedly safer than the big-wheel, Net: But did it have Dukes of Hazzard stickers and a handbrake? And a fake CB radio? And tassels coming out of the ends of the handlebars? and was created simply to disappoint and depress children. Net: Just like the Rubik’s Cube! I would personally love to beat the inventor of that rolling piece of plastic misery with his own hideous progeny. Enough virulence for now — have a wonderful day!
Net: Keep those letters flowin’ in, Networkians. We’ll catch y’all later down the trail.