Net: It’s that tim…

Net: It’s that time of year again, Networkia. Time to welcome yet another bright-eyed, pimply-faced bunch of underage drinkers to our little slice of heaven.
We know, we know. Do these junior rodents really deserve space in the hallowed rectangle that is Net, we hear you screaming. We do not answer. We are Net. Besides, the Minister of Concurrence said it was OK.
So without further adieu, as the beer is not getting any colder, we proudly present the first annual …
NEWBIE’S GUIDE TO NETWORK


First and foremost, you suck. We mean it. Every last one of you little scrots gets under our skin. The only people who suck more than you are post-secondary students. Don’t even get us started on that socially retarded bunch of Mathletes.
Inevitably, some cynical old regular will write in and complain after watching a herd of you stumble your way through Dinkytown looking for “that kegger at 15th and Rollins.” Try to take this in stride.
The worst thing you can do is write in and try to defend yourself. You’ll sound silly, be mocked again and give us another headache.
No matter what anyone tells you, do not write in about squirrels. We know you think they’re cute and fuzzy and think they run the University. We’ve got news for your virgin hineys: We run the University, punk. So piss off.
On to another little known fact. It wouldn’t hurt some of you third-year sophomores to listen, either. The rest of the Daily is tripe. Net does not read that fishwrap. We will refuse comment on most all of it.
On the other side of the cube, the promos are gospel. These are not just little things that end up in the paper when we have extra space. They are messages from God. Heed their warnings. If the little box says “Drink 12 to 16 glasses of malt liquor a day,” you’d better start sippin’, bucko.
Before any of you try it, let us also say that plagiarism does not pay. Forwards will not see the light of our Backwards page. Type all you want about how funny this particular crap is. Willie hears ya, frosh, but Willie don’t care. (On the other hand, Simpsons references are appreciated when done tactfully. Then it’s an homage.)
On to the Networkia bread and butter, fraternity and sorority letters. We know you’ll send them. We could threaten death, defamation and possibly decapitation and we’d still get these letters. Whatever.
So at least try to keep them interesting. Write them drunk if you have to. Hell, write them in hieroglyphs. And don’t expect Net to take a position on the issue. Everyone knows we’re completely impartial here *snicker, snicker, guffaw*.
The other of genre of letters we delete in the time it takes to inhale a Banana Flip usually go a little something like this. Observe, fuzz heads …

From Dr. Thunderballs: hello, Net. Net: Get on with it, twinkle toes i would like to relate a wonderful experience i had this weekend. its is all about crazy drugs, sex and booze! Net: See what we mean, kiddies? You got laid for the first time. We’re happy for you. But we don’t want to hear about your sticky fumblings. Try the sensitivity trainer down the page. it all started when i was walking down washington ave, when this crazy old guy with dreads offered me 10 hits of x. Net: Sure, Paco. We want to hear about how you bought from a random stranger. But we expect you’ll skip the part where you wasted your money on aspirin with a smiley face carved on it. Carry on. so i promptly went home and share my wonderful find with my sexy roommate and her three nubile girl friends. Net: Translation — My sister and her two portly friends who were watching Jenny Jones. Begin typical freshman masturbation fantasy involving two things just out of their reach — sex and drinks at the bar. about an hour later i found myself in the bathroom of a local drinkning establishment being vigorously fondled by two of the girls. right as i was about to achieve tantra we were very rudely interupted and asked (none to kindly) to leave the bar. at this point we scurried our little asses down to the riverflats to continue making sweet, sweet love. now my only problem is that after such an awe-inspiring episode i can no longer function to the best of my abilities, and some times not at all. what ever should i do? Net: Try your left hand for a while. It feels less like you.
In all honesty, nothing is truly taboo but topics beaten to death include, but are not limited to: CLA vs. IT wars, Abercrombie, Wisconsin, your mother, Nate Melcher’s sexual orientation, left-handed Albanian midgets (Cheers to all the veterans who spotted Rollerdiva‘s handiwork) and pimento loaf. You have been warned.
We do like some things, however. We like the Simpsons. We like beer. We’re positively enamored with the big-boned naughty pirate. We’ve got a soft spot for Banana Flips, Puff Daddy’s innocence and Nora Sauska — the hottest Hungarian you’ve never heard of.
Lastly, and frankly, leastly, do not write in asking who we are. We are Network, and you are not. That is all your feeble freshman mind can handle at this point. Let it be so.
Good luck, kiddies. You’ll need it.

AND NOW NETWORK’S SUBTLE PLUG FOR OUR WEB SITE!

From Some guy whose name got lost in our Commodore 64:
I just wanted to drop a line to say your Web site is the biggest waste of space I’ve ever seen. And I’m no expert, but couldn’t we get rid of the art in back? What is that, a honeycomb?
Net: We couldn’t agree more. A giant huzzah!