Net: Happy fright n…

Net: Happy fright night, y’all. Be careful out there.

THE KEY

From Iron Bitch: Hey there, Scotch! I have never purchased anything at A&F, nor do I aspire to, and I certainly have never entertained the idea of joining a sorority, so you may not want to hear from me, but that’s too bad, ’cause you’re gonna anyway. That’s because I, too, wear a “damn key necklace thing” on occasion. Of course, most of us call them lanyards. Net: And the Nazis called the gas chambers shower stalls. No matter how you cut it, it’s a key necklace thing.
And you’d be surprised how handy they can be if you just don’t have pockets on a particular day but would eventually like to get back into your apartment. Which leads to the question of why all the sorority chicks need one, because it’s my understanding that you can’t even pledge if you don’t carry a purse with you everywhere. See, I don’t carry one of those purse things, so I sometimes need a place to put my keys.
I also like to wear my lanyard at work. They’re such handy places for hanging a whistle. In fact, my last three employers have all given me a lanyard, free of charge. Net: The NFL referee corps is very, very generous.
I, for one, am glad for this particular trend. It means there are more interesting lanyards out there in the world now. So while all the rest of the lifeguards at the Y are hanging around with their boring black cord lanyards and their wimpy nickel-plated cork pea whistles, I’ll have my kick-ass Fox-40 on a spiffy Gopher lanyard. Net: So as you see, dear readers, it once again all comes down to status. I’ll be quite the envy of all my co-workers. Of course, you’ll still think I’m a moron because I like to put my keys on a lanyard sometimes. But at least I won’t lose my keys.

From Laxman (Lax is short for lacrosse, not ex-lax) Net: We thought it might describe your study habits: This is in response to Scotch For Breakfast‘s entry. I happen to have one those “key necklace things” that you talked so nicely about. The deal is that I play lacrosse, and lacrosse players have been using them for quite some time.
(I’ve heard soccer players have as well, even though soccer is for wusses with shinguards!) Net: Save that for the next debate, bud. They are actually intended to be used for a referee’s whistle, but some time ago someone decided to clip their keys to it.
The advantage in doing this is as follows: When we go to practice or to a game with our uniforms on, we have no pockets for our keys! (No, we don’t wear our keys during the game, Net, we leave them on the sideline!) The difference is that I don’t wear my keys around my neck all of the time! If I have pockets, I simply bundle up the necklace part and put it in my pocket. Net: And I’ve got one hand in my pocket, and the other one’s holding my lanyard! Do, do-dee-do-do. I agree with you in that these people who wear them constantly are idiots! Net: Or their legging options consist entirely of Spandex. One of the two. I have two hypotheses for why people do this: 1) They are an athlete and wear them so everyone knows it. (I personally know people who do this!) 2) They are a total loser and want to be cool just like their athlete friends (since it is a known fact that athletes are “cooler” than the average person) Net: Maybe if brain waves give off heat. Either way, it is ridiculous and they should be shot on sight! (Yes Net, that means I back the concealed weapons bill!) Net: And let the record show we print you anyway, belying the left-wing media conspiracy (How can it be a conspiracy? No one talks to us anymore … )

STRIPPERS ARE PEOPLE, TOO

From Stripper’s Friend: Hey Network, how ya doing? Net: Well, our phone calls are being returned, and we will be a long way from Sanford on Halloween night. But we aren’t fueling any rumors … I’m writing in response to my “friend” PornChica‘s assault on my friendship with a stripper. To make things clear — she isn’t a stripper anymore. Net: Are you trying to somehow make her “purer” with that statement? C’mon! Stand up and be true for your friends! Jesse Ventura would! She quit two weeks ago because “it isn’t worth the money anymore.”
Second, even if she still stripped, so what? Net: Exactly. Not all strippers are sex-crazed STD carriers. Net: Actually, of the several strippers we’ve known, we’ve never met a single one who fit that description. That stereotype is fostered to keep the men coming in more ways than one, we think.
To me, she isn’t a “stripper.” She’s just a normal person. Just like you, me and PornChica. Well, maybe not PornChica. On that note, thank you, Net, Net: No problem for your time and have a wonderful day!
TODAY’S SQUIRREL LETTER

From Evita: Oh dearly beloved and facetious Network! I have a story for you that should garner quite a few laughs and even more raised eyebrows. On a beautifully sunny day, I parked my car outside of my friend’s house in Dinkytown. I left my windows rolled down a tad bit, so my car could bask in the lovely remnants of summer. Net: Good idea. But remember — our love for you will still be strong after the boys of summer have gone. I had accidentally left a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup (with a cookie crust!) on the passenger seat of my car.
My friend noticed that a squirrel was dancing on the roof of my car. We thought it simply wanted to be my new hood ornament, or perhaps it was dusting my car.
Well, when I got into my car, I found an EMPTY candy wrapper on the driver’s seat! There were also chocolatey paw prints on the driver side window! Net: Oh yeah. Sorry about that. We were hungry. I don’t know how those rather obese squirrels could sneak their furry tails into my car, but they did, and they plundered my snacks! I demand restitution from the head squirrel!
Thank you for letting me air my grievances.