MEET YOU IN THE GUTTER
To Yngwie from Leather Girl: Excuse me, Yngwie, why are you attending this college if you’re so disgusted with it? Net: It’s cheap and easy. Just like the men. Attitudes like that will only land you a prestigious spot in one of Minneapolis’ fine GUTTERS, where you will live a fine life as an infection-ridden beggar, slurping off half-full bottles of beer you found rotting in a dumpster! Net: And that, of course, would make you our friend. Fear not, Yngwie, and bitch on! Those of us who actually enjoyed our years at college — studying, making friends, and YES, going to football games — will walk over your stinking carcass and spit in your face, for our positive outlooks on life will have helped us get the jobs we studied so hard to get. Net: And made you a kind, considerate member of society in the process. Spitting on the lower class is a sure sign of societal grace. Go back to the foul hole whence you came and cease your studies here at the University; this truly great school is wasting its precious time, money and energy on Net: Ice cream socials? such a selfish, ungrateful waste of flesh.
From Square: I have always thought that I have a firm grasp of the obvious. Net: Everyone needs to grasp something. Lately, I have noticed it is getting colder outside. Fewer people are walking, blading or biking and I think that might be related to the weather. Net: Wrong. The real reason is that elfin characters are spreading across campus while we sleep, making off with our shoes, blades and bikes and having them all repaired. (We’re not splitting hairs here ….) Sadly, I think those individuals who rarely ride the bus during fair weather somehow lose out on a certain savvy that frequent bus riders share. Net: You mean, “Never, ever make eye contact with a fellow rider?” How much sense does it make for 50-plus students to rush the doors of a Campus Connector the second that its wheels scrape the curb? Net: For the same reason 25 people come running when “Free pizza” is announced over the intercom: They’re all a bunch of greedy little sheep! Common sense would allow for a simple answer to this question. Why not rush the doors AFTER everyone has had a chance to clear the bus? This would eliminate the need for passengers to wade through a dam of heavy-coated, backpack-laden students. Hell, it might even speed up the whole exchange. Net: Not as well as a strong arm and a billy club. There are often infrequencies in the Campus Connectors’ schedule and I would like to draw a parallel with these needless lapses of reason on the part of the passenger. And by the way, cut the bus drivers some slack if they are one minute late. It probably was not their fault. These people (they are people) are good drivers and they work long hours. I salute them. Net: Yeah, and we’ve got a special salute for them as well.
DEEP BRUISE AND URINE
From The Dirty Snowball: You know, when I urinate, I really like to show my school spirit. Net: Some people paint their faces. Some do 30-second kegstands. You urinate. And that is perfectly cool. That’s why, when my bladder has reached its capacity, I run straight to the men’s bathroom in the basement of Wilson Library. It’s now the only place on campus where I will expel my liquid waste, Net: That midnight-to-6 a.m. stint must be a bitch on Thirsty Thursdays. for three of the urinals have a very special addition that makes urinating an act of school pride. Covering the drain on each of these urinals, there is a rubber filter, and on that filter there is a black sticker. At first, one wouldn’t think anything of it, but as the urine flows down the porcelain wall and makes contact with the sticker, a beautiful metamorphosis occurs. The black sticker turns maroon and the words “GO! Gophers” appear. Net: Sucker. The only reason that sticker is there is to improve your aim. Now you’re depriving the custodial staff the pleasure of mopping the floor clean of your piss. Seeing this is a breathtaking experience — perhaps even more euphoric than the grand, fabled “pee shiver.” Net: We always preferred “peegasm.” The juxtaposition of my golden piss and that maroon sticker makes me feel a special connection with the University. Net: We wonder if University President Mark Yudof had these mystical filters installed at Eastcliff. Gotta think that would be a big hit at the fund-raising dinners. I can’t help but hum the “Minnesota Rouser” right up until the last drop has been expelled and the sticker goes back to its dormant state. Net: Sorta like a mood ring for Mr. Willy.
God bless the University for this wonderful addition!
It’s even better than those new communications kiosks! Net: Who needs iMacs when you can pee on a sticker!? I propose that on each orientation tour from this day forward, all of the young, would-be University men should be escorted to the basement of Wilson Library for an inaugural pee of school pride. They’ll be Gophers for life!
From Up In Smoke: I, like everyone else it seems, would like to also share my opinion about a frustrating aspect of the University. Net: Sure, so long as you leave out parking, construction, ugly buildings, fraternities, sororities, freshmen, administration, tuition, school spirit and . Sure, I guess we all have a right to do whatever we want, but I am annoyed at the self-centered actions of many individuals. It seems that every time I walk over the Washington Avenue Bridge on a cold morning I find the covered portion filled with the second-hand smoke of the ever-so-kind smokers on campus. I don’t have a problem with people smoking, as long as it doesn’t directly affect me. Of course the sheltered part of the bridge does not have any form of ventilation whatsoever, so the smoke just lingers. Net: If you keep this up, we’re going to be the next California, where people can’t even smoke in bars. So … keep it up. I merely ask that we all start thinking of other people when we commence the various parts of our days, Net: Why, we can’t imagine a more pie-in-the-sky thing to say, except and while we’re at it, can’t we all live in peaceful society free from anger and wars? I’m sorry about the last line, I know how badly this is going to be ignored by everyone but I just wanted to put in my own worthless opinion. Net: Worthless point taken, for what it’s worth.