Keeping up with the Jonases

The bro power trio/Disney robots make slick pop for little girls to drool over

PHOTO COURTESY HOLLYWOOD RECORDS

Ashley Goetz

PHOTO COURTESY HOLLYWOOD RECORDS

ARTIST: Jonas Brothers ALBUM: âÄúLines, Vines, and Trying TimesâÄù LABEL: Hollywood Records RELEASE DATE: June 16 The Jonas Brothers are musicians for our times, creating the most uplifting, masterful pieces of work since Elvis Costello. The triumvirate of siblings, a delicious mix of legal and barely so, are intuitive, sensitive songwriters, addressing the issues foremost to their target audience: chicks and make-out sessions. Well, OK, a lot of that was sarcasm. The Jonas Brothers are more Monkees than Beatles , more prepackaged Plasticine pop than organic talent. Such is the case with the Disney machine (sigh). Their mouthful of a new album, âÄúLines, Vines, and Trying Times,âÄù is so slickly produced, it drips hundred-dollar hair gel. In order to efficiently review the album, we must first establish who said brethren are, and why exactly they deserve our attention, being that weâÄôre grown-ups and shouldnâÄôt be paying any attention to Disney stars with chastity rings from Tiffany around their lily-white fingers. Firstborn is Kevin, 21 âÄî a doughy babyface fondly referred to on the Internet as âÄúthe Ugly One.âÄù Next is âÄúthe Hot One,âÄù Neanderthal-browed Joe, 19. Then thereâÄôs Nick, 16, who may or may not have put it in Miley Cyrus. (Well, OK, if that band oâÄô silver is to be believed, he didnâÄôt, but M. Cyrus did send him a bunch of skanky pics of herself.) Nick is the cute one who professes love for Costello, for reals. JoBros hail from the same school of schticky sweet pop songs as those old-school boy-banders, though I suppose we could give them credit for playing their own instruments (except for Joe, who seems to be too busy combing his hair and not banging Camilla Belle to pick up a guitar). To prove that they are âÄúmusiciansâÄù and not just pinups, it seems the brethren have decided to include a song from basically every popular genre under the sun. WeâÄôve got country in a Shania pop vein with âÄúWhat Did I Do to Your Heart,âÄù and rapper Common makes an inexplicable appearance on the album, as does NickâÄôs ex Miss Miley Cyrus; aww, the fences have been mended! There are slow weepers (âÄúTurn RightâÄù) and even what teenybops consider âÄúpunk rockâÄù with âÄúWorld War III.âÄù Every song has been so painstakingly produced that whatever shred of authentic talent they possess has been super-stylized to appeal to little girls and generic radio guidelines. Like it or not, Nick Jonas could be a bona fide musician in a few years, but who told Joe and Nick, the crooners of the group, that the sexiest way to emote vocally is through your nose? To give them an ounce of credit, the Brothers do write their own songs, such as the classic tale of a toxic woman named after every little âÄúBatmanâÄù fanâÄôs favorite sexy villainess, âÄúPoison Ivy.âÄù (Of course, this was best done by Bel Biv Devoe in the early âÄô90s.) âÄúEverybody gets the itch/everybody hates that (pause).âÄù Come on, Jonas, we know your fans spend a lot of time on MySpace; theyâÄôre probably familiar with the term âÄúbitch.âÄù CanâÄôt tarnish MickeyâÄôs chosen few with cussing. But to prove the appeal of the Jonas Brothers, itâÄôs best to visit their fan sites, glitter be damned, and peruse the comments on their music videos. Their fans are passionate indeed. DonâÄôt take it from me, take it from MegandEmz9, who sings their praises: âÄúI Bloddly Love Youu Soo Muchh Cant wait 2 cc u Illuusm boyss I wud marry u iff u werent even famous ur ded cute Lol. Thiss Song is mint btw.âÄù ItâÄôs pretty much a guarantee that âÄúLines, Vines, and Trying TimesâÄù will sell a ton of copies to the fans who dedicate their Facebook statuses to the wise lyrics spewed by their idols and wear their vaguely attractive faces proudly on mass-produced T-shirts. (2 out of 5 stars) In case you donâÄôt trust A&EâÄôs review of the JoBros, here are some selected opinions from fans, lifted from YouTube : Much Better isnt just about Taylor, and he was like ‘find out what the song means by yourself’ but ooooohhhhhhh no Taylor has 2 b all like Forever and Always is about JOE, JOE IS SOOOOOO MEAN. i told my mom what taylor did what with the dolls, and my mom doesnt like the Jonas brothers but kept saying how they handled it much more maturely and how taylor was being a bitch about the whole thing. âÄîcoolchic960 Actually, it’s common sense to know that âÄúMuch BetterâÄù is indeed about Taylor Swift. Just look at the lyrics: âÄúget a rep for breakin’ hearts, Now I’m done with superstars, And all the tears on her guitar, I’m not bitter. But now I see, Everything I’d ever need, Is the girl in front of me, She’s much betterâÄù Obviously he’s referring to Taylor’s song âÄúTear Drops On A GuitarâÄù And he’s saying Camilla Belle is much better. Which is stupid cuz Taylor is awesome! âÄîLoveJoeBros89 uhhhh yay im so exited im goin to see them soonn!! so exitedd