NAUSEOUS From Sar…

NAUSEOUS

From Sarcastically Confused: Hi, Net, I have to ask you and everyone who reads the Daily if anyone understands the cartoon “Caseous.” Net: We believe Prince said it best: Let’s fall in love/get married/have a baby/we’ll call him Nate/(if it’s a boy). I, for one, do not. It is by far the most worthless cartoon I have ever been sucker enough to read. Net: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ziggy was no Calvin, we can assure you of that. First, the story lines are not interesting, if there even are story lines, which is difficult to confirm. Net: They were last sighted somewhere over Topeka. I have an old Daily sitting in my lap, and there is that mysteriously phallic Frog guy. The freakin’ cartoon consists of him playin’ some Ms. Pac-Man! (Is that symbolic of something … or just that stupid??) Net: We believe it is indeed symbolic of something. It’s the something that’s giving us a hard time. And then he gets dragged away by some bug-eyed creature to be replaced by some sort of Dutch farmer hybrid, who apparently is the next victim of Ms. Pac-Man addiction (quite a travesty in this day and age, let me tell you …). Net: In fact, it rates a close third on Net’s List of Yummy-Nummy Addictions, behind Lik-M-Aid and reruns of “Golden Girls.” Second, there is no punch line, ever, as far as I can tell. Aren’t cartoons supposed to at least pretend to be funny? Or interesting? I mean, “Family Circus” is a waste of the ink it’s printed on, but at least it pretends to be cute and funny (which it is not, I must repeat). Net: Thanks for the heads-up. We weren’t quite sure where you stood on this one … Does this Nate Melcher get paid for this cartoon? Net: Yes. Do his supervisors actually read what they are about to print? Net: Only when they get paid. Am I missing something here, or are you guys really that desperate for something to fill up that little section? Net: No, that’s why we have Wagner on page 6.
WHEN YOU DARE WEAR SHORT SHORTS

From CleanShavin’: Net: Not her real name, but you know what happens when you don’t submit a moniker … Net hands off your entry to one of its many lackeys, who are then beaten severely about the buttocks with soaked bamboo reeds until they scream out a name suitable for publication. To all of you “rub-down” pros: If you think it is OK and stimulating for a woman to stick her ass in the air and go about rubbing herself down with lotion in front of a crowd, well then, you seriously have problems. Net: In that case, we join every red-blooded American male in admitting we seriously have problems.
There are a lot of different places for one to go and do this little ritual in the locker room. Net: And if you can’t find one, try the door down the hall that says “MEN.” It does not have to be done in front of a crowd of people trying to relax in the sauna! Net: Unless you want to get paid handsomely for it … So — KNOCK IT OFF! IT’S NASTY! And while I’m on the subject, why in the hell do some of you ladies choose to walk around with your towels only covering your bottom half? Net: It’s all about air-drying, baby! You know the towel is long enough to go around your whole body! The women’s locker room is quite an interesting place to be … let me tell ya! Net: We learned all we needed to from USA’s “Up All Night.” What are you people thinking about when you do this? And another thing — shaving your bikini line should not be done in the Rec showers! Net: Yeah! Slop on some Nair instead! How gross is that to see an old (or young) woman shaving her private area in front of 10 people? Net: Not nearly as gross as it would be if she were doing so in front of just one person. Where were you people born? In a barn?

COMRADES IN YARNS

From Vladi: Net: Again, not a real name. Two in one day … what’s wrong with you people? Greetings, comrade! The University Soviet Republic brings forth a solution to your showering woes, for we are a government for the people Net: as long as you pay your Student Services Fees like good little boys and girls and others! From this day forward, all Republic citizens shall wear standard-issue communist clothing. Every proletariat man, woman and child will wear these fashionable blue or gray pseudo-denim button blouses with matching trousers. Net: Throw thum pearlth around the neck, and you’re thet to go, thweetie! We will wear them in our homes, in our work and, yes, in our showers! Net: Be sure to smile for the camera! Together, the University Soviet Republic will enter the Proletariat Movement Center with conformity and order. That will be all. Net: Oh, how we wish that were true.

A LI’L THUMPIN’-THUMPIN’

From Sconie: OK, Net. I am not complaining about the f&@king buses, even though they are worse this year than ever before. Someday, I hope to live in bus- driver land where every five-minute incriminate Net: OK, we think the gentle Networkian meant “increment,” but we’re just going to play along on this one … between buses takes 20 minutes.
I am not complaining about the registration system. We all know about the new and improved Net: for easier fisting system, where it not only screws up my APAS and transcripts, but also manages to take five times as long to register.
I am, however, complaining about the newest scourge to hit St. Paul campus Net: Hygiene?! — Bible thumpers. They are easy to recognize:They travel in packs with the glazed look of the undead and the sickly sweet smile of the stupid. Net: Are you sure you’re not confusing them with the 4-H students? I happened to choose a major that landed my ass over in the white bread nirvana of farm campus five days a week. The best part of this whole arrangement is the fact that I get to miss out on the daily molestation of walking across the mall and running into greeks wanting pledges, credit-card companies wanting to rape me for my money and, the worst of the worst, Bible thumpers wanting to invite me to a Bible study and indoctrinate me into their happy, paranoid little bubble of a world where diversity is discouraged and we are all going to hell. Net: Welcome to Morrill Hall! I have tried ignoring, arguing and avoiding, but they seem to follow me. As a personal message to the holy rollers on campus: LEAVE ME THE F&@K ALONE!!! Net: This message was presented in the public interest because the change in seasons can mean only one thing: The Return of Brother Jed. Beware.