Scholar leads peers in demonization of Rodent ‘towboy’

by Emily Dalnodar

The reign of evil ended Thursday when students rallied around junior Marshall Goodman as he set aglow the feared Rodent Towing truck.
Rodent Towing Company, the famed nemesis of poor, earnest students just trying to park, was once the biggest money-whoring business on campus. But the recent defeat has forced owner and emperor Vincent Von Jerk and his cohorts back into the bowels of their lair.
The day began with its usual routine: students circling campus endlessly in search of a space as Rodent Towing misers lurked nearby in wait of their prey. But at 10 a.m., Goodman changed the face of the University forever.
Goodman parked his 1985 Datsun too close to the curb on a Dinkytown road, setting off a signal in a Rodent truck nearby. Within minutes, Goodman’s car was being hitched up to the medieval machinery.
“He would’ve gotten away with the heist, except I forgot my notebook in the car and had to turn back,” Goodman said. “That’s when I spotted him,” he said, his eyes flashing with anger.
Goodman rushed to the scene and told the “towboy” to drop his car. When the evildoer refused, Goodman snapped.
“It was so flipping awesome,” said senior Amy Bing. “This kid just rushed the towboy, completely knocking him to the ground. At first everyone just stood around, shocked, you know. But then some kids started cheering and pretty soon we were all beating the crap out of this guy,” she said. “Yeah. It was great.”
Once the towboy stopped moving, the adrenaline-pumped students threw rocks at the truck. Some began to chant, “Fire, fire, fire … ,” and soon books and newspapers were lit under the belly of the Rodent-mobile.
As the truck began to burn, more people joined the crowd. All held hands and circled the flaming beast, chanting incomprehensible catenations.
“Then I woke up,” said Rodent Towboy Lloyd Skank. “I tried to leave the ring of students, but they kept pushing me back into the pit, like a trapped rat.”
Backup for Skank arrived in the form of a Rodent caravan, but they quickly retreated as the crowd turned on them with burning sticks.
“Those college students think they’re so smart with their mastery of fire,” said Rodent co-worker, Jed Gumnuts.
With backup out of the way, Skank became the pawn in a sick game of Simon Says. Students kept him in the ring for more than an hour, tormenting him with taunts and humiliating gestures. They finally released the sobbing towboy to his hole with words for his master:
“Heed our warning, Von Jerk, we will do to the rest of your bitches what we did to Skank.”
Word from the Rodent lair has been scant, if anything, as the evil empire mends its wounded ego. However, an anonymous source, known only as “Squeaky Throat,” said Von Jerk is not planning a counter-attack just yet. But, he warns, the Rodents might join forces with Oak Towing.
“One of the guys over at Oak went to college once,” Squeaky Throat said. “I think we’re gonna try fighting fire with fire.”
When told the news, Goodman and the other rioters erupted into a robust, scholarly laughter.
“Sure,” Goodman said. “That’s a good one.”