From Wrong Place at the Wrong Time Dude: This is a message for those in Math 1252. I understand that you all have a thirst for knowledge. I mean, what can be more satisfying than solving integrals and working problems? Net: Participating in the Festival of San Fermin for the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, this week springs to mind — but the U doesn’t offer that.
It’s like meeting that special someone Net: C’mon, you re talking to math students. Don’t taunt them. or getting a raise, right? Net: Now THAT they can probably understand.
I know you love the teacher and you live, eat, breathe and sleep with your math books every day, Net: Hey — no messy breakups. And when you’re done with your books, you can sell them for beer money. If only more relationships were so fulfilling. but I have a suggestion for you: There is more to life than just math!
I notice that this quote means nothing to you after hearing about the past exam curves. I mean, most classes have bell curves, but this curve looks like the side of the Tibetan Plateau, with me on the bottom and everyone else on top! What would have normally been an A for me on the last test was a B-minus on this crazy curve. Net: Get used to it. Thanks to the U2000 benchmarks, today’s U students are more academically formidable than ever. And the quality will only increase, until the University is restored to its rightful pre-eminent place among institutions of higher learning.
By golly, it’s summer! Go to one of the 10,000 lakes Net: Actually, it’s about 14,000. We can see where you’re having problems with math … see “Armageddon,” surf the Net, go clubbing! Net: In short, club or be clubbed, y’all.
Do anything except settle in a library or study hall. And lighten up on those tests. I already know you’re all Einstein’s descendants. If you won’t take my advice, then consider heading east to Princeton, (N.J.) or Boston.
Net: We hear that janitors at Harvard have excellent futures in math.
That way you won’t hurt students like me who recognize the importance of a social life Net: Huh? and must also work 30 hours a week to pay for school.
Then again, why am I writing this? You guys probably don’t even read Network. You’re probably busy rationalizing functions? Net: The Good Lord knows we rationalize our function all the time.
Sorry to rain on your parade. But if you are in this class, please respond to this letter. Net: Yes, please do. We’re starting to feel like the dog days season is sapping our readers capacity for discussion. Write in! The forum is more wide open than study space in July. In the words of Abba, take a chance on us! And have a great day.


From Mathlady: How could this happen?! I’m sick! I’ve been licensed to ill! Just because my entire family has been sick, does that mean that I had to get sick, too? Net: Yes. Families are about togetherness, and sharing common problems. If you don’t want to get sick, go hang out with Murphy Brown or something. Now I’m coughing and blowing my nose every two minutes (which I’m sure my classmates find irresistible). Net: They probably think you’ve got a hold of some really good coke. You may soon experience an upsurge in your popularity.
Oh, the misery of it all! I was planning to catch up on my homework this weekend, too. Now I won’t have the strength. Net: Not a surprise, you debilitated cokehead! Why don’t you get some help? Who am I kidding? Net: No one. Drug use is transparent to everyone! I wouldn’t have done it anyway, but it’s the thought that counts. I just want to crawl up in my bed wrapped in lots of quilts and go to sleep. Net: Just be sure to have a lot of tissues to clean the blood off your spurting nose, you social mutant.
As Marcia Brady said in that famous episode, “Oh, my nose!” Net: And have a nice day.