PURPLEWIDE
From Antrobus:
“Anderson at the Tee”
Net: It’s a play on “Casey at the Bat,” see? It’s cute. It’s clever. It breaks our hearts. But we’ll go with it.
The outlook was brilliant for the Vikings on Sunday,
They’d beat 16 of 17 with but one more left to play.
And when Moss went and dropped a few and Carter did the same,
Sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.
Chandler kept the Falcs alive; the team that we detest,
But in the fourth (and up by seven) we still felt we were best.
We knew Cunningham could take us to the Super Bowl —
He’d throw the ball downtown to set up a field goal.
So Cunningham did throw — Hoard ran right down dom’ed field;
We knew our mighty Vikings would force those dirty birds to yield.
And so when they did drive — to the Falcons’ 21,
We figured we’d need just one score and then it would be done.
And from 60,000 throats there arose a Nordic yell,
It rumbled through the Metrodome at 150 decibels,
It damaged all the eardrums of the fans who stood to see
Our perfect Gary Anderson as he walked to kicker’s tee.
(A side note here for people who know nothing of the game,
To use a kicker’s tee for a field goal really would be lame;
Yes, the author’s aware of this factual err, you can be sure of that,
But I needed something that rhymed with “Casey at the Bat.”)
There was ease in Gary’s manner as he jogged into his place,
There was confidence in Gary’s bearing, determination on Gary’s face.
And when responding to the cheers he waved for all to see,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt ’twas Anderson at the tee.
So 120,000 eyes did watch him hopefully,
A couple drunken Falcons fans laughed as he stretched his knee.
Now Berger knelt to hold the ball behind the line-of-scrimmage
And Gary stood ready to send it on its through-the-uprights pilgrimage.
The ball was snapped and caught by Berger, ready for the kick,
The Snicker Kicker held the ball for another perfect flick.
And Anderson runs at the ball — winds up and lets foot go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Gary’s blow …
Oh, somewhere down in warmer climes the sun is shining bright.
There is no snow upon the ground and somewhere hearts are light.
And Packers fans are laughing and Atlanta ain’t bereft,
But there is no joy in Minnesota … Perfect Gary kicked wide left.
Net: (holding back tears) Sometimes tragedy rings so bittersweet … read on:
From The 3rd Floor Middlebrook “Dirty Birds”: Skoal Vikings! Does anyone know where we can get a Gary Anderson jersey? What a way to end a “perfect” season. As a tribute to the Vikings year, we present the Top Ten ways the Vikings will spend their extra time:
10. Dennis Green will have more time to beat his wife. Net: Unsubstantiated accusations of domestic abuse aside, wethinks you should watch what you say.
9. Randall Cunningham and Cris Carter will praise the Lord for giving them a chance to lose. Net: Stipulated.
8. Randy Moss can teach Kevin Garnett how to read. Net: Rippin’ the Kid? UNCONSCIONABLE!
7. Red McCombs can now focus all his energy on moving the team to San Antonio. Net: So the Texans can have their hearts ripped out every 10 years or so? Fine.
6. Jerry Ball will look for his nuts.
5. The team will track down all the copies of the remix of “Miami” by Will Smith and burn them; will record new remix of Beck’s “Loser.” Net: Gettin’ crazy with the Cheese Whiz.
4. Gary Anderson can think of new and creative excuses as to why he missed the would-be game-winning field goal.
3. Robert Smith can learn the “Dirty Bird.”
2. John Randle can now fulfill his lifelong dream of being the make-up artist for Kiss.
1. Jesse’s favorite team now has “time to bleed.”
So, a big thanks to all you bandwagon fans. You can all go back to what you were doing. You can now refocus your energies on rooting for the Twins! Net: Not likely. Thank you, God bless and GO PACKERS!! Net: You really had us, until that last comment. Go WHAT Packers — go fishing? Go to your summer homes? Go … get your drivers’ licenses renewed? See: next entry.
From Kylroy: I know that you’re going to get a deluge of mail from both newly smug Packers backers and disappointed Vikings fans. Net: It’s already happened. On top of that, many pre-game letters are backlogged, never to grace the pages of Network, as they are heretofore outdated. Sorry, authors — please try again! As a Wisconsonite, Net: that’s ‘Sconnie, as so many of y’all were so quick to catch on to. Good … good! and a Packers fan who remembers Don Majkowski and Randy Wright, I’m making this offer on behalf of all ‘Sconnies: Net: AH! Well done lad You lay off the Packers, and we’ll lay off the Vikings. Both groups have got reasons to shut up now, so let’s do just that. I promise we won’t even make fun of that “Going to Miami” remix of “One Week” you folks have been playing on the radio. The players are done playing; can we quit arguing now, too? Net: PLEASE?! We concur. Now that Network has learned the “Dirty Bird” and perfected the Mile-High salute (and assuming the University’s population of Atlantians and Denverites is a meager and soft-spoken one), the topic of football contests has officially expired. Get back to us next year.
