Tuesday and our week
Approaching quarter’s midpoint
Haikus rolling in
BATHROOM BREAK: HE SAID, SHE SAID
From Smallbladder: Most esteemed friends in Networkland,
Call it a tragically small bladder or just mere curiosity, but over my three years at this fine institution I have had the displeasure of being in almost every men’s room on campus, and the consensus isn’t good. Net: It would help to know your gender here, Small. We’ll assume you’re male. What do the restaurant owners have in mind when they build their little pissing holes? Net: Relief? Building codes? Good business? Obviously their minds were more preoccupied with cutting corners than serving the needs of biological functions. Net: File that complaint with your creator, pal. Take Goldy’s for example. It’s a helluva fine restaurant, and I’ve drunk many a fine beer there (underage of course) Net: Why you … you … scofflaw! You rabble-rouser! You hardened criminal! How COULD you? but their absence of a lock on the stall door and the constant stench force me to leave my seal intact as long as possible (though the glowing condoms for sale are quite cute). At least they have a door!!! The stall in the men’s room at Stub & Herb’s doesn’t even have a door so you have to walk right in front of whoever is taking their constitution Net: We’d have gone with “seeing a man about a horse” without a door to offer a shred of privacy or a pallet to create dirty limericks upon.
The bathroom at Annie’s has holes in the wall and a mystery door that leads to nowhere, Net: Aha! Or does it, Small? You think about that and the finest eating establishment on this whole campus, Al’s Breakfast, doesn’t even have a bathroom. I tell you all: There is a bathroom conspiracy on this campus, and somewhere, perhaps in the grassy knoll by Northrop Mall, there lies a second bathroom unprecedented in luxury but only known to a select few (mainly squirrels and Mall preachers). Net: Yeah, with a bidet and white-gloved manservants that offer a fresh towel and a mint. Until this mystery john is discovered, I recommend using the bathrooms in Moos Towers, the basement of the Rec Center (if you can handle walking through naked town) or inside the Radisson; they might not be the best in the world, but they sure beat pissing into the trough at the Village Wok.
From Grr: I hate this goddamn University! Before I begin, I would just like to warn y’all that this letter probably contains “too much information,” and you probably don’t care anyway, but tough, I’m doing the writing and you’re doing the reading.
Net: Attention gentle readers — the rest of this entry contains references to hygiene products and bodily functions — to the point of making the last entry seem appetizing. So if you’re cramming some lunch in your word-hole, we recommend reading this later — like, in your next class. Brave souls: Onward.
I am sick and tired of all of you bitching and moaning about Parking and Transportation Services. There are more pressing things to complain about. For example, this lovely evening I spent hours, yes HOURS, running from women’s restroom to women’s restroom. No, this is not a hobby. I wasted my time in search of “feminine sanitary products.” I visited more than 12, TWELVE Net: You forgot XII bathrooms trying to find one of those “handy” little dispensers that serve up the goods for a quarter. Ladies, don’t waste your time, as I did, in the bathrooms in Eddy, Wesbrook, Scott, Wulling, or Elliot halls. The restrooms that have the dispensers are tauntingly empty. And if you listen closely they indeed laugh at you!! Apparently our good prez is more concerned with painting the doors of the buildings than with genuinely “beautifying the U,” i.e. not getting menstrual blood all over the place. I would like all of the maintenance/janitorial department (or whatever they call themselves) Net: That’s Facilities Management to you, sister to sit through a three-hour night class Net: Hard enough to do with a wad of toilet paper in their underwear. Net: Wow. Acrimony, big-time. Thank gawd it’s my last quarter — I hate this place!!! GRR………
DAMN DIRTY BIRDS
From Cella’ Dwella’: All hail the almighty Network. I know you are probably inundated with work, classes and whatnot, Net: Ever toiling at repose, ever learning what we knows so I’ll make this brief … to the smack-talking Falcons groupies who taunted Vikings fans two weeks ago, I just want to say this: I enjoyed the game. Net: So you were the one. Seeing Elway’s victory was almost as sweet as last year. Seeing Tim Dwight, the World’s Fastest White Boy(TM) run for a touchdown was even better. But whatever happened to that cute little dance that the Falcons do to celebrate when something good happens to the team? I didn’t see it at all, not once throughout the whole game. Net: Wethinks the criteria for said gambol included an offensive touchdown. Did you see one? We stopped paying attention after Stevie Wonder’s performance outclassed anything the game itself had to offer. We feel you, Stevie! Maybe you dorm-dwelling Dirty Birds can do a demonstration for us? Thanks.
P.S.: Network, are you single? Net: Even as we are many. Good day.
