PSA HOUSECLEANING
From akk: Hi. I hate reading lost-and-founds in Net just as much as the next person. Net: Actually, read the PSA from the next person; we think she hates them more. How boring I think, but I also have found them very effective for those who use you — so could you help me? Today, Friday the 26th, I lost my precious ring. I took it off in the women’s bathroom on the first floor of Smith Hall at about 10:30 a.m. Net: Just curious really, but why were you taking your ring off in the women’s bathroom? I only take it off to wash my hands and forgot to replace it on my hand. Net: Uh-huh. Sure. We bet PeeWee has a different idea ’bout that. It means a lot to me, but that goes without saying. If there is a kind soul out there who has found my silver ring with marcacite stones and two white topaz, rectangular cut stones in the middle, will you please contact me via Network or return it to one of the offices at Smith Hall on the first floor? Thank you so very much for your time and space — Net, you’re the best. Love ya.
From UGLYGRRL: I’m so sick of boring and nicey-feeling PSAs that now that it is my turn to provide one, I am going to let my caustic venom flow. Net: AAAAUGH!! IT BUUURNS US!! IT STIIIINGS US!! To whomever has good taste in sunglasses but is sans sunglass holder: Net: That could be so very many people, really If you were at Folwell Hall in the past couple of days and misplaced a pretty case for expensive sunglasses, don’t bother answering this ad.
I want to keep it. Maybe I’ll use it to store my dugout in. Net: They’re not gonna want it back if you’ve already smeared resin all over the inside. But however, if you are so attached to an obvious symbol of your wealth (although fake velvet is questionable) respond with the brand name (sickening) and color and this dugout holder can be yours again so that your beady-eye protectors can go without getting dusty. Thank you.
From Pixee: To the most gelatinous and indeterminate Network, I’ve come to my terminal once again to beg your guidance. Net: We grant thee audience gladly as usual, Pixee. You see, I lost my U Card a week ago, and it sucks going to get food vouchers for the cafeteria and not being able to access my TCF account. I received an e-mail on Feb. 12 from a guy named Ethan (I’m withholding the last name for his sake), who said he had found my U Card outside of Sparky’s Bar and Grill. Praise the heavens! I sent him an e-mail back supplying him with my phone number, but he hasn’t replied yet! I really need my U Card! If you could put this into print for me in the hopes that he reads it, I would be eternally grateful. I have enclosed my phone number in the hopes he reaches you. Otherwise, ETHAN, CHECK YOUR E-MAIL; YOU CAN FIND MY NUMBER THERE AS WELL. Thanks a lot, Network. And now, as you requested on Friday, a haiku:
Ethan, please, my Card!
I need to eat, to get cash …
I miss my Card. Sob.
Net: ETHAN! Wake UP! Thus begins our weekly installment of haiku — King T’s bane. Note to wary Networkians and NITWIT Indoctrinates: Beware of Obsequian propaganda on campus!
THE 5,000 FINGERS OF KING T: HAIKU RESCUE
From NightCaps: Here’s another haiku about that airborne Net: Do you mean airborn like an airplane, or airborne like a pollutant or pestilence? animal rights dude:
Stupid animals!
You almost killed that poor man
scaling Moos Tower.
From Beeshu: OK, Network. here’s a lovely haiku about the Elizabeth Berkeley movie “Showgirls”:
eat em: have a gnome
eat em: coprophelia
eat em: eat, snort, strip
From BigDaddy: The last time Network had haiku-fest my classmates and I found it necessary to immediately crank out some haiku of our own during a lull in class. Net: Or a lull in “Showgirls.” More frequent. Several clever haiku were written, and I decided to submit my favorite. It is from the point of view of my newborn son and pretty much summarizes his life so far …
only three weeks old,
suckling on mom’s milky breast,
daddy wipes my butt
From The Jon Spencer Haiku Explosion: I got bored studying and came up with a little something I hope you like:
Fat girl looks sexy;
Fear and Loathing in my Pants.
I must stop drinking.
Alone for too long,
The urge will overcome me.
Soon, sweet Rosie, soon.
From M.A.N.:
Mormon women come
To us; Polygamous pairs
Seek out new members.
Or, if you prefer:
Mormon women comb
Campus; Polygamous pairs
Seek out new members.
Personally, I like the pun on “come” in the first version, but the “comb campus” in the second has nice alliteration. Whatever you fancy. Net: We fancy all instances of polygamy, so we printed both.
From Big Brother Todd:
My favorite show?
Bob Barker, The Price is Right!
It’s better than Cats.
