A scientific ranking of Minnesota mascots

by Alexander Brodsky

After much delibration, I have finally compiled a percise ranking of Minnesota mascots. Don't question my methods, they are as accurate as they are secret. Honorable mentions include the St. Paul Saints' mascot crew featuring Gert the Flirt, Mudonna and Seigo Masubuchi.



7. TC Bear, Minnesota Twins


Pretty much a cop-out all around. Why a bear? I have no idea. There aren’t even two twin bears for God’s sake. Whoever had the job of coming up with a mascot for the Twins clearly slept in on the day of the meeting, showed up unshowered and blurted out “I don’t know, a bear! Named, uh, Twin Cities!” To be fair, according to his official bio TC Bear does hold the league record for most trout eaten in a single setting — 12.


6. Prowl, Minnesota Lynx


On the flipside, the Lynx’s Prowl horrifies on every level. Prowl has one goal and one goal only: to ensure that you never sleep again. I thought I had a solid understanding of what a lynx looked like but apparently I was entirely wrong. They are hellish nightmare beasts wearing surprisingly stylish jackets.



5. Crunch, Minnesota Timberwolves


Now, I’m not certain what a timberwolf is exactly, but if I had to bet I wouldn’t put my money on “weird ferret.” On the other hand, this.


4. Nordy, Minnesota Wild


Downright adorable. That’s a million dollar smile if I’ve ever seen one. He’s a mascot that you can bring home to Mom. He loses points for not being a real animal, though. His own official bio admits that “no one truly [knows] what sort of wild animal he is.” Cuteness aside, we need answers, Nordy.


3. Buzz, Minnesota Swarm


Buzz is the human mascot for Minnesota’s professional bee-themed lacrosse team, the Swarm. Apparently the best way to raise lacrosse’s profile in the US is to introduce a muppet mascot who seems like he’s been to one too many jam band festivals. He looks like he knows his way around a bag of Doritos, if you know what I mean


2. Goldy Gopher, University of Minnesot

Goldy has no shame. He’ll stiff-arm a kid like it’s nothing. He cruises around campus on his Segway, heading to what I assume are parties I’m not invited to. He single-handedly validates the existence of Segways.  He'll spin his head no problem. Oh, also you can request him to come to your events in a tuxedo. Y’know, if he’s got time in his schedule.


1. Ragnar, Minnesota Vikings

Call me a sucker for large, bearded men on motorcycles but something about Ragnar really just tickles me. Maybe it’s because I know that I will never, ever be as happy as he is in that picture. If you had any questions about his viking legitimacy, fear not: he currently holds the world record for shaving with an ax. And he briefly had beef with Chad Ochocinco which totally helps his cred. God bless you, Ragnar.