>Dr. Date,

Despite all the heat and drama of this election season, I have recently started dating somebody whose politics are a total mystery to me.

I know this is dumb, but politics are really important to me. The trouble is, he won’t tell me if he is a Democrat or a Republican. I really need to know before I can tell if he is the man for me. How do I find out?

– Partisan Polly

Dear Partisan Polly,

Your problem is understandable because politics are such a hot topic of conversation lately. Because we need to remain an unbiased news source, we decided to divide up our traditional Top 10 list. So, here you go:

Top 5 ways to know you’re sleeping with a Democrat

5) When going out to eat, your partner disagrees with every restaurant choice you suggest, but never offers any options of his own.

4) He works for a media organization.

3) He doesn’t use deodorant.

2) He is a) homeless, b) doesn’t have a job, c) has a college degree or d) all of the above.

1) Two words: bumper stickers.

Top 5 ways to know you’re sleeping with a Republican

5) He never pays for anything.

4) He saw “The Passion of the Christ” more than four times.

3) On his ballot, he wrote in “Jeff Foxworthy” for soil and water supervisor.

2) He still orders his Big Macs with “freedom fries” and gives you “freedom kisses.”

1) He insists on making a connection between bad sex and terrorists.

– Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I’m a single mother at the age of 22. I have three kids whose fathers are all different. I am not romantically involved with any of their fathers; they are not around anymore. Yet, there is an old man who acts as a true father figure for the kids, and they love him a lot.

Because I am a student and I work, he or the kids’ grandmother baby-sit while I’m away. My mom and the old man get along great, and she thinks I should date him. She says I’m “one hot mama” and that the old man and I should be dating. Should I date him or wait for a guy closer to my age to come along?

– Under-ager

Dear Under-ager,

It sounds to me as if you need to worry about taking care of yourself before you worry about making your mother happy.

This man is already being very helpful to you in baby-sitting your children and spending time with your mother. If his motives are only to date you, you probably don’t want to be with him anyway.

Having a father figure for your children is obviously important to you, but I think your children would know if you’re not truly in love with this man.

I’ve written a lot in the past about how age doesn’t matter if you really care for somebody, but in this case, I can’t see that you do. Your children and you will be better-served if you find someone you can truly fall in love with. Until then, I wouldn’t worry about you dating the older man.

– Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I am in a great relationship with the sexiest little red headed woman in the world. She is smart and funny and all that other stuff that seems like a generic cliche until you actually find it.

Except (there is always an “except”) she won’t let me fondle her navel. I know that it is weird; that’s usually what a fetish is. But the fact that she cowers every time I try to even touch it makes me feel that my sexual attitudes are rejected. Could this be indicative of a larger relationship problem I’m just not seeing yet? Should I learn to repress these carnal desires? Should I “make” her get over it? Help me!

– Bellybutton

Dear Bellybutton,

What do you mean, “make her get over it?” Whatever it is, it sounds pretty threatening.

You need to talk to this sexy little redhead and see what her deal is. To me, it seems pretty peculiar for her to be uncomfortable with you touching her belly button.

Obviously, communication is the key. But if she does have a valid reason for being weird about it, I would respect her wishes and stay away from the navel.

Could this be indicative of a greater problem in your sexual relationship? Possibly. But if she’s OK with you touching her everywhere else, it doesn’t seem like a problem to me.

– Dr. Date

Hey Dr. Date,

Here is the story. I like this guy, but so does this slutty girl who hangs out with us. He is in a lecture class with us. The guy is really nice, sweet, smart and hot.

The guy looks at me constantly, but when I catch him looking, he turns away and gives me a look as though I stared at him first. Here is where the slutty girl comes in. She tries to talk to him all the time and he notices her ’cause of the way she dresses.

She reveals every part of her body (that’s the reason for the nickname). I even caught him looking at her body. I want his attention but don’t want to dress all slutty. Do guys really go for that stuff? Should I just give up on this guy all together? Is he worth it?

– Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Dressing slutty is a sure way to grab a guy’s eye, so if that’s what you want to do, start trimming your skirts.

But if you want to be more to him than a piece of eye candy, avoid the slutty route.

Your guy is constantly paying attention to this girl because she’s flashing her skin. It’s a purely sexual thing. There’s no possibility of a relationship with slutty girl, but the guy probably thinks she’d be a good time.

You, on the other hand, might be worth a little more commitment. The fact that you don’t flaunt your sexuality shows you have more character. If he’s suited for a relationship at all, he’s suited for one with you and not the slut.

– Dr. Date