Dear Dr. Date,
I’ve been dating a guy for about a month now. A lot of people date guys, but for most of my life, I haven’t been one of those people.
See, I came out about two years ago, and it was a big deal. There was a Facebook post, a family get-together, a bunch of congratulations; it was a big, positive to do, and for that I feel very blessed.
At the time, though, I didn’t come out as bisexual — I came out as gay. Hella gay.
And it’s not like that was the only time I brought up the topic. Most of my friends are in the queer community. A lot of what I do in my free time revolves around advocacy for that community.
I’m worried that my family and friends will feel like I was disingenuous about my sexuality, or worse, that I came out in the gregarious way that I did for attention and not because that’s how I felt comfortable.
My fear is straining our relationship as well. I’ve been very secretive, and that really disturbs my boyfriend. I understand, but I don’t know what to do. Help?
—Melissa
Dear Melissa,
Sexuality has been so regimented for such a long time. We created strict definitions that group people who often times don’t have a cookie cutter sexuality to stigmatize them.
A second coming (out) of sorts may be very difficult for you because of this, but I think it’s the only way to move forward.
I sense from your letter that you’re so stressed about this one part of your life that it threatens to consume your entire life.
Explaining your new relationship and love may very well go off without a hitch. You aren’t the first guy or gal who has found nuance in their sexuality as they’ve grown older and met more people.
No matter what happens, you aren’t a liar, you aren’t an attention seeker, you are just you. And I hope that those around you will respect that finding yourself is a lifelong process, not one realization. If they don’t, who needs ’em?
—Dr. Date
Dear Dr. Date,
I haven’t ever felt a romantic attraction to anyone, but I sure as hell have felt a sexual one.
I get it on a lot. I’m talking at least a dozen times a week, but the whole relationship deal, or even love deal, or even like deal, just doesn’t appeal to me, nor do I feel
the need to engage with anyone in a romantic sense.
I’ve heard of asexuality, but can someone be aromantic without being a psychopath? Or is that what I am? I have other feelings! Like, I love my friends; I just don’t want to get all smooch-goochy. Well, I wouldn’t mind if some of them smooched my gooch, but I think you understand where I’m going.
—Melissa
Dear Melissa,
There’s every kind of person out there, and you just happen to be this kind.
That being said, I think you should be pretty straightforward with your partners because as you can probably tell, most people do feel a romantic love or attraction on a regular basis.
Still, it’s not your responsibility, even a little bit, to participate in such a romance, and if they get frustrated at that, tell ’em just that.
Live your life, girl.
—Dr. Date
