Network: MoveOn; SWEet Girl; Dissatisfied Networker

>Okay, new subject. Here are some more interesting things you can comment on. Do you like bears? Net: Bears are just fine with us. You know, sometimes it’s a little disconcerting when you’re out antiquing in Stillwater, Minn., and a bear walks in to the shop, and you think “Uh-oh, what’s he doing here?” because the bear in question is really big and intimidating and tough-looking. But then he opens his mouth and instead of the roar you’re expecting, you get a high squeaky-voiced exclamation of delight at some kind of horrible Hummel figurine or piece of Fiestaware. And then you realize that you shouldn’t have been freaked out at all, and you go over to talk to the bear about Tiffany lamps or something. Do you like tigers? Net: Nah, tigers are just big housecats. What do you think about the space program? Net: MARS NEEDS WOMEN! What’s your computer like? Net: It likes kittens and mittens and brown paper packages tied up with string – you know, the usual kind of stuff. Who has the new Halo2 and wants to let me play? Net: We’re gonna have to let Networkia help you out with that one.

From SWEet Girl

I am a girl in IT, can you get me boyfriends? Net: NO! All the IT boyfriends are reserved for marching band girls. I like John and Timothy. Net: OK, like, gag us with a spoon! How could you like John after what he said about you? And Timothy? Please. Also, could you hook me up with that Nerdyc00l guy? I bet we have tons of fun things to talk about … like Calculus, and who doesn’t like rollerskaters? Net: Who doesn’t like the glitter punx? Plus I don’t really care who it is, I am a girl in IT, I haven’t gotten any in a long long long time. Net: Yeah, whatever. We know what you all get up to in hot, frenzied sessions of groping between the periodicals stacks in Walter Library. I don’t see what all these guys problem is, us girls is smart. Don’t be shy, it’s not the size of the vector that counts but how you apply the force. Net: With that kind of attitude, we’re sure you’ll have all the IT lightsabers you could want lined up outside your door.

From Dissatisfied Networker

What’s the deal? I used to be able to count on Network for a funny start to the morning, but lately it’s all NUTT! Stop with the political stuff; the election is over. Net: OK, one more time, dumkopfs, if you don’t want to hear about political stuff, then you need to write e-mails to us which do not reference political stuff. Can you get that through your tiny pea brains? Get back to what you do best ñ funny, sarcastic comments on trivial matters. Net: And another thing: All you whiny whiners are acting like Net has never said anything political before. Try paging through the archives and rereading some of the old Networks. There’s always been politics in Net. Of course, much of it was probably so subtle that it went over your head. Which wouldn’t be difficult, your sloping brow and Neanderthalic gait making a target above your cranium a relatively easy thing to hit. Another thing ñ the delivery guys are getting lazy. I used to be able to get it daily when I left Middlebrook, but now I have to wait until I get to class to get it daily. Net: Network is not concerned with questions of distribution IT rocks, people who walk in the bike lanes suck. Net: People who bike in the car lanes and the walk lanes also suck. As do the bladers, who are so despicable that they are not even afforded lanes of their own, and must perforce, use other peoples’ lanes exclusively.