ANIMALHOUSE4EVER

From PeeWee the alumni guy: Listen up, kids, ’cause I only have a quick two minutes before I have to go to bed. … Enjoy college because the real world FOOCKING SUCKS! Net: This is about the 7,000th entry we’ve seen saying something like this. Apparently no one who writes in to Net took Journalism 3004 or Biology 1009. Those classes made us wish for sweet, sweet death. Or a Banana Flip. Whichever.
Yes, that’s right. I used to be cool, Net: No, you didn’t. We’re omnipotent, remember. I used to have the time of my life. If my homies Chucklenuts, the Porn King, Brother Rage or Artsy Fartsy called me up on a Wednesday and said, ‘Hey, let’s go to Sally’s and get hammered off Long Islands and Kami shots from any one of a number of hot waitresses, I would say “Hell, yes, screw class and my midterm tomorrow.” Net: It’s the American way. And I would go to that bar, and I would know 30-plus people, and I would have a blast catchin’ up with all my friends and hittin on nubile young sorority women. Net: Sounds like our idea of the anti-good night. But now … now I go to work at six in the morning and get done in just enough time to go home, shower, eat and go to bed again. I get the opportunity to hang out with none of my friends anymore, and what little free time I have is a waste because I am too damn tired to do anything. Net: Sounds like Jim Carey’s average day. He just can’t stop working. We feel for him. Heed my advice, kids: Drink like it’s going out of style. Net: The Minnesota Daily: Home to responsible public service messages for more than 100 years. Hang out with as many of your friends as you can. Blow off EVERY SINGLE class, test or piece of homework you have. In short, live it up because life for you is at its peak, and it all goes to hell the second you graduate. Net: We know a guy who went 10 years at this joint without graduatin’, and now he’s got a job as a porn star! OK, not really, but we’re tryin’ to play along. If only I knew then what I know now.

From Nasty McShasty: Well, Net. You have to worry no more, for I am back and still tryin’ to score (do you like that? I have started rapping in these past couple of weeks. I’m awesome.) Net: No. No, we did not like that. Here’s a little wrap we wrote: *Ahem* Yo, Net bringin’ the noise, fresh like a room of boys. Rollin’ in a 5 point 0. Got the top down so our hair can blow. Stop, Network time! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho (break down, etc.) This is going to be my first summer staying here on campus and, so far, what I have seen in here has sucked a fat one. I was going to lay off writing in until all my little peeps and chicks come back next fall, but obviously that ain’t gonna happen. Net: Kinda like the Bo Sox winnin’ a series, eh? It is weird writing in, because I am not taking any class and I am stress- free, and I have nothing to bitch about. Net: And it’s weird for us to respond because we have our 10th margarita in hand and our arms are feeling funny. But I am sure I will come up with something. There is one thing that I do have dating back to the last week of school that ya’ll might like, though. I was going into my math class in Vincent Hall, Net: Note to Nasty: Math is for chumps. about to fail my calc final, and all of these grad students were “trying” to get out, but it was just like in the Far Side comic where the genious kid is trying to get into the school for the gifted by pushing the door that is supposed to be “pulled.” Net: We’ve never seen a grad student who knew how to dance, either. Well, these two idiots where whaling on the door thinking it was jammed, until I pushed it open for them as I came in. I called the dumbest-looking one a “fu*king idiot,” and he wanted to kick my ass, but as easy as it would be to pummel me (or not), he would have been too stupid to do anything about it. Net: Violence is common in the rapping community. Will Smith said it best: Summertime: Time to unwind. Shakespearean. What a little beach. Well, I have to get back to work now, but I’ll be around now and again, so until then, stay like me, the little G that all the homies wanna be — I’ll be sittin’ on the corner just ‘a coolin’and that ain’t no foolin’ (Dr. Dre, come ‘n get me cuz I am the dopest unsigned rapper out there.) Peace. Net: We question that. You’d be surprised what that homeless guy with the scrubby beard can do on a mike. Moving swiftly along …

From Yonko: Hello. I’ve never had any desire to do this. Net: Beat one of those pedestrians who walks against the signal on the corner of University and 15th? We’ve had that desire. They’re time will come, though … MUH HA HA HA HA HA HA But given the state of things the past couple days, you’ve given me no choice. Net: It’s kinda funny that this letter comes on the heels of letters from two regulars. We’ll let that sweet irony soak in for a couple of sentences. Network has fallen into an e-mail stealing, clip-art posting, basketball-hoop denying (a weak point, I know, but you need the rhythm of three) pool of crapulence. I now must rise up and become what I’ve least desired to become: A Network Regular. Net: We ask you: Is that so bad? We’re here every day (although we’d rather be drunk and passed out in a pool of our own … nevermind.) Now, what should I accomplish with the power gained from my horrible descent? Let’s start by trashing the comics page. First, with regards to Mr. Melcher: I’m sorry I couldn’t say this sooner, and I will say it again if anyone wants me to: You rule. Net: A VOTE OF SUPPORT FOR MELCHER. AWOOOOGA! AWOOOGA! SOUND THE ALARMS! Second, “Bizzarro” is awesome, but only in regards to the flying saucer, the eyeball and the upside-down chicken in every single strip. Otherwise, it’s a bit sketchy ifyouknowwatiamsayin’. Third: “The Duplex” sucks. A lot. It suffers from Garfield syndrome: there’s only about three or four jokes (Garfield’s fat, Jon’s a loser, Odie’s dumb) Net: Garfield’s lazy, Buddhism sucks, etc., etc. … and it cycles through them daily. Replace it with something good, something relevant like “The Boondocks.” There. That should about do it. If you’re still unsatisfied, try this: Isn’t it disturbing how much the TRL crowd loves “The Real Slim Shady” and its Britney/Boyband dissing lyrics, while still loving Britney/Boybands? Net: Here’s a little sumtin’ sumtin’ we learned: Just ‘cuz it’s on TV don’t mean anybody put thought into it. No? How about the fact that the phrase: “Enimem’s choruses do extremely well in focus groups” has actually been uttered? Jus’ keepin’ it real. Net: Yar.