Network: NeedsAClub; Mordred

>Today, Networkia, we’d like to officially welcome our long-lost prodigal sibling Dr. Date back into the fold. Of course, Dr. Date used to be below the fold, but one of the keys to a successful management strategy is embracing change. And we respect that. So welcome, Dr. Date: May you exist in your current incarnation for many semesters worth of excellent, salacious advice to the lovelorn and lust-worn.

From NeedsAClub

Hidyho Net, Thank you for being the vector of my huggy-feely emotions when I wrote to you saying I needed a hug after someone left a “lovely” note on my bicycle. Net: You’re welcome! Most people just think we’re a vector for infectious disease. I’m so glad the owner of the bike who left that note on my bike reads the Net also. Net: EVERYONE READS THE NET AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT! I absolutely owe that person an apology for ACCIDENTALLY locking their bike cable to my bike. I want them to know that I am paying more attention to where I string my locks. Net: That cries out for a double entendre. I also want them to know that not only did I deserve the note in which they threatened me with vandalism and theft and called me a BITCH no less than three times, I deserve worse. That person took the absolute right road with that letter. I must be the stupidest-est person on campus by far. I’m a bloody idiot. I derserved to be called worse than a bitch. Dammit, lets face it-I’m a stupid jack-ass crotch and they could even call me the other “c” word and that’d be fine by me. I sure deserve it. How could I have done that? Net, why don’t you just rename me “needs a club” because that’s what I should do to myself-club myself within an inch of my life. I feel its the only way I can pay restitution to AbleMindedAuthor. Thanks once again, Net. P.S. I really am serious about the apology, though. Net: Yeah, it sounds like it. Don’t waste your time on that wanker. What a NUTTin’ crybaby! “Oooh, boo-hoo, I’m five minutes late for class – now my professor won’t think of me as an unrelenting sycophant.” Cry us a river.

From Mordred

Well, we’ve had politics and this CLA-IT nonsense lately. Throw in some bad Haiku and some letters from individuals who obviously failed or failed to take freshman composition “IT sucks balls bad as CLA cause over here no hotchiks…” and we are looking at one crappy Network section. Net: We’re looking at one crappy world. Every day you read us – that’s the worst day of our life. It’s not your fault, Net. Oh no, it’s not even the fault of the morons who write in. In fact, even in this modern culture of blame-passing and finger-pointing, it is not the fault of any of the following: Bruiniks, Pawlenty, Big Tabacco, Violent Video Games, Booze or Sophomores. No, it’s the fault of every non-moron who reads Network and doesn’t write in. Net: Now you’re cooking with grits! Well, this Moron (Whoops, did I say moron, I meant genius) thinks that is reprehensible. Net: How did you manage to spell that word correctly? Are you a professor? You must write in, semi-literate and almost reasonable members of the student body – like voting, it only works for you if you participate, and don’t live in Miami-Dade County. Net: Zing! I’m not asking for intelligent topics, just decipherable prose. Net: You would be asking for too much then. Go ahead and write about puking freshman, uppitty sophomores, and the Hot Chick Scholarship, just make it something worth reading. Net: Pre-zackly! Yer 100 percent kee-rect, Mordred.