Net: The burgers having been grilled, the cars having gone ’round and ’round for 500 miles and the papers having been put off until much too late. We return you to the last — and we mean it this time — week of Network ever to appear … this year. It’s Tuesday, we know — happy Monday anyway. Onward.
HOW TO GET SASSY CHICKS
From Infinity Sasstress: So this weekend the Sasster got hooked up with this yummy, hunk-a-meat ex-pro-football player Net: Jan Stenerud? who’s got a shuga-coated heart and a steamin’-hot style quotient that set me on FIRE! Net: Frank Gifford! And this got me thinkin’, despite other naughty things, about Minnesota’s lack of stylin’ men … I mean really, I think that’s played a significant part of why I’ve been so hot after women lately, there’s just a next-to-nada selection in the men’s department here, and it’s beneath me to simply settle for a boring, lumpy dumpling whose uniform is scaggy plaids, bleachy blue jeans, a yellow-sweat-rimmed baseball cap and a scrubby, undersized sweatshirt for each of his fave sports teams. Net: Think of the multitudes you just eliminated there, Sass … (*sniff*) … oh, the humanity. So here’s my advice to those of you for whom this sounds all-too frickin’ familiar: if you want a fine lady, get some clues here — start by takin’ a look ’round and noticing that the men who get the action look sharp and classy; Net: This requires caaaaaa$h money, honey nice ass-skimmin’ pants (and no, not Dockers), if you EVER do denim, make them super-dark indigo, a stylin, tight-fittin tee, no caps pleez. This is not hard. No need to strain yourself; the hottest men’s outfit I’ve seen is just a simple, sleek, all-black getup. Net: You trollin’ at funerals again, Sass? For-SHAME! You don’t even need to accessorize; but some chic & graphic glasses make for an intriguing call-to-attention profile. Net: Easy out there, Corey Hart wannabes. And, oh yeah, while we’re at it, a big fat wad of cash in yer pocket Net: We KNEW it!! wouldn’t hurt either — this most recent man o’ smarts was one of the first in this cheap-ass town to buy me a drink in over a year!
THE HORROR!
From Stony7 to Crackbunnie: Right on, Bunniebaby. We absolutely NEED to stage a mini-“Rocky Horror.” Net: Can we sleep on it? I mean, just imagine it. Grown men running around in women’s undergarments, doing the Time Warp Net: (again) … what could be better? (Besides a scantily clad Tim Curry that is). Oh by the way … if anyone wants to see “Rocky Horror” performed it is showing at the Riverview Theatre on 42nd Avenue and 38th Street on Saturdays at midnight. You are missing out if you don’t go.
IF A NETWORK RUNS AND NOBODY READS IT …
From WeePeePee (a.k.a. Peewee but I think I like this new name better. Thanx Zombie D): This is to everyone out there who felt the desire to make fun of Brother Jed during his Mall-preaching exploits last week; (again, please note incorrect semicolon usage — and I’m an English major so it’s REALLY bad!) do you people realize that when you dress up like Jesus or take part in yelling at him, you actually are doing exactly what he wants you to? Net: He’s a hell recruiter, isn’t he? We suspected as much … Ya’ see, Brother Jed knows that he can’t convert 95 percent of the students on this campus, so instead he insults them and acts outrageous in order to attract attention to himself. Net: What other crazy pirate would do such a thing? The bigger the crowd he draws, the more likely there is to be one or two people in it whom he can actually convert. Net: Elvis used to be good at this. When you make a big spectacle out of his presence, you help him in attracting people and you raise the odds that he will be successful with those one or two people. Besides, Brother Jed has been traveling around colleges for 20 years. He has heard every joke, seen every goofy Jesus getup and witnessed a billion things we haven’t even thought up. You can’t offend him and you can’t change his mind. But the more you try, the more you help him get publicity. (Would he have been in the Daily if the guy dressed like Jesus hadn’t shown up for the photo-op?) Net: Truly, truly we say to you, the man is a spiritual tarbaby. How does WeePeePee know all this you ask? Simple, I read his (poorly written) book (I won’t tell you the name of the book ’cause I don’t wanna give him any more free press than I already have) Net: Do tell, though, Pee — does he ever really convert anyone? in which he explains exactly how all those angry, yelling students help him promote his cause. On a certain level, he likes all you guys ’cause you make his job easier. If you really want to combat Brother Jed and his ilk, the best thing to do is just ignore ’em. If a preacher preaches on the Mall and no one listens, how effective is he then? RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
STOP IT!
From Mocker: Hey Net. Net: Hey yourself. Not long ago, I wrote to you about the silly people who push the “stop requested” button on the Washington Avenue Bridge Circulator. This time around, I want to write again about our common sense-challenged transit system here at the University. On the Campus Connector, there is no stop between Harvard Street and Mariucci Arena. Net: Poor thing … do you have to walk a couple of blocks? This leaves a huge hole in the coverage of Stadium Village. I know that the Gateway Center is butt-ugly, but I don’t think that the connectors should avoid stopping at the corner of Oak and Washington just because of it. A stop there would better serve the Superblock, Argyle, Dinnaken, Terry House, Net: Yeah, like these people need more privileges and the new and huge University Village — not to mention all of the houses in the area. It would be cheap and easy to implement. Net: Hey, the drivers could call out stuff like “Subway” and “Chipotle!” So I’m asking all the Networkians out there to gather our combined strength and write a short and simple e-mail to [email protected] to demand a stop at Oak and Washington. It would make a lot of people’s lives a lot easier. Oh, before I forget — MOC, you’re the $hit — you rock! MOC: Gee, thanks.
Net: DAMMIT, MINISTER, DIDN’T WE TELL YOU NOT TO SPEAK UNLESS WE SPECIFICALLY