Campus fracas ensues

by Jake Kapsner

Political tensions grew on campus this week as liberal and conservative groups alike denounced the ideologies of the Other, a recent addition to the University political scene.
“The Other has stepped on our collective foot, and now we, too, must step on the Other’s foot,” said Lenny Leonard, leader of an ad hoc student group, Dissenting University Citizens.
DUC’s call came a day after fork-wielding students chanting, “We want blood, we want blood — sausage!” marched along the Northrop Mall in packs five or six strong.
The unidentified students protested they said, in response to the closure of a local deli, Marv’s Sausage House. Marv’s demise came last week at the time of a mega merger between the nation’s two largest pork packing plants, Weenerex and Dogone.
The protesters, collectively known as the Other, were rumored to have been part of a meatpacking gang looking to enter the University’s political fray.
Political science professor Harvey Q. Ruffelbark called the University “a virtual hotplate of political iron-wills.”
“This just shows that student apathy is not dead,” he said.
But established students groups smited by the presence of the Other reacted with hostility.
“Wanton attacks on the integrity of progressive-minded people will only lead to bloodshed,” said Louis Salsarito, interim president of the Neo-Progressive Students Association, formerly called the Association of Neo-Progressive Students.
No bloodshed was reported Monday, however, when Salsarito announced the group’s recent name change and plans for a holiday party to 12 students in the campus cafeteria.
Opposition leaders, including Tommy “Boy” Carruthason of the Conservative Student Front, responded with fervor.
“Such general tomfoolery only invites bloodshed,” he said. “Come and get some, y’all.”
The Students Organization for the People announced their renewed commitment to a philosophical middle ground later that day during the group’s monthly ice cream social.
Led by Leonard, DUC landed at a consensus with STOP and joined the ice cream gathering. DUC later recanted their affiliation with the middle-grounders, citing concerns of possible infiltration of the Other and a shortage of chocolate chip mint ice cream.