Hey, long weekend, …

Hey, long weekend, eh? We, however, prefer to think of it as a short week comin’ up. Either way, happy Friday.
BLOWN OUT SPEAKER
From IT Observer: I think the seniors at the CLA graduation ceremony will get more out of the keynote speakers if they were Ryder Bus Services and UPS, rather than Garrison Keillor and Ann Bancroft. At least they would get some good ideas for future careers with their new degrees. Net: And who, pray tell, will be the IT keynote speakers? George McFly and Dilbert?
WE PREFER BLATZ
From Rollerdiva: Hey net! Tell Easy Rider that the spirit of Schlitz is alive and well over in Northeast Minneapolis, where not only can you find a bar on every neighborhood corner, but also a liquor store, each accompanied by its own token Polish-American touting the tasty sausages that they just picked up at Krazamarkurk’s Deli. Net: Not to mention those kooky domed churches. HEY! Hell, I often see the Schlitz Truck on University Avenue during my daily roll to school. I’m willing to bet that it’s headed straight to PeeWee‘s frat, probably dropping off the weekly delivery. As for PBR, that beer is sadly defunct. Net: And yet the Pabst Brewery tour in Milwaukee is still a wonderful attraction, thankfully. I remember as a pre-Rollerdiva, I longed for the day when I could walk into a bar and say the magic words “PBR me, ASAP.” Now I must be satiated by asking random people on the street if they ever legitimately have asked the golden question. Net: And if they were lucky, the answer was no.
DO THIS, WIN PRIZE
From The Emu on Acid: Greetings Network! The emu has landed. Net: Is it that time of quarter again? Once again the fiery godmother of hijinks and jocularity would like to sprinkle her magic dust on all the poor students struggling with sanity during finals. She recommends that all who feel overburdened by studying enact one of the scenarios below in order to re-establish their sense of proportion. (For desperate cases we now have access to the Total Perspective Vortex).

1. Gather together a crowd of friends and strangers and converge on the Capitol steps chanting “STOP PLATE TECTONICS!” Hand out flyers explaining how many thousands of innocent people are killed each year by this hideous affront to humanity. Net: Ask Phlegm of Discontent about this one … Demand that the government stop spending your tax dollars on research into this terrible agent of mass destruction.
2. Visit a bookstore where an author is giving a reading from his/her latest book. Buy a copy and follow word for word. Net: We ain’t got time to read. When you get to the end of a page, tear it out, crumple it up and toss it on the floor. When the reading ends, ask the author to sign what remains.
3. Borrow an old-fashioned push-mower (silence is essential), sneak out to the Mall late at night and cut miniature crop circles in the grass. Net: Jed will love this one.
4. Drive around the countryside until you spot or create a fresh roadkill. Call the DNR about the deer you’ve just hit and request permission to salvage the venison. When the warden arrives and begins to explain that what you’ve hit is really a woodchuck, raccoon, squirrel, poodle, etc. and therefore is not a source of venison, become very frustrated, animated and defensive. Demand that (s)he apologize for questioning your identification skills. When (s)he refuses, throw the carcass in your trunk and storm off. Net: Better yet, tie it to your trunk.
5. Elbow your way in among the Mall preachers (use deadly force if necessary to secure a spot — it’ll be worth it) and pull out an imposing tome. Just about any book will do: the phone book, Sears catalog, your human sexuality text, The Joy of Cooking, etc. Read selected passages in a vituperative, damning voice. Bonus points if you incorporate the phrase, “Whip until stiff peaks form.” Extra bonus points if you’re naked. Net: Super-extra bonus points if you’re naked and stiff peaks do, in fact, form.
Individuals who can verify that they’ve enacted all five scenarios ought to receive a Network T-shirt, in our opinion. Net: More than that; they should receive “Net for a day” privileges. Anyone with such gumption ought to wield our sardonic pen. The Minister of Concurrence will assist. Godspeed.
JED-ISSON
From kittyfan: Got a couple more to add to your list of ‘Brother Jed-annoying’ ideas — something along the lines of a “Children of the Corn” scene with mind-numbing repetitive chanting of “Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord” Net: Something nonsensical like “paint the bridges” or “dogs stole things” would work here, too or putting up a replica of the Blue Man (you know that police or mailman who they had nailed and rotting onto a cornstalk cross?) and announcing to everyone that he died because of Brother Jed’s sins.
Y’ALL AIN’T GOT IT SO BAD
Okay, I was lucky enough to register successfully amidst all this crap with the FUBAR’d system. Net: Yay! Still, we have it pretty good at the U compared to other schools. At my previous college, a private school in Chicago, we had to register BY TELEPHONE! Net: Did the phone ever give you an error message? I actually paid $25,000 for that?! You would have to get up at about 7:30 a.m. just to get through, type in a call number, listen to a monotone voice-mail guy (we all called him Prozac man) ask you three times if you were absolutely sure you wanted that class. If the class was filled, you’d hear this stupid farting noise. If you got into the class, you’d hear a cheesy bell sound. Compared to that mess, registering for classes in the comfort of a computer lab, with friends nearby for moral support and a little smuggled Taco Bell to keep you alive can be a pretty damn good time.