Net: Today, we are …

Net: Today, we are pleased to announce …

… the brainchild of none other than:
FromTheFishin’Magician: NoGreenCoat brought up an interesting point. Are the majority of the yellow-breasted beautiful people greeks? What is the demographic make-up of Abercrombie owners, anyway? I propose that all woobie-wearers write in and give their affiliations. Net: We think this is a wonderful idea — and if we weren’t so darn benevolent, we’d take credit for it ourselves. Network will assemble and publish the results — unless they’re trying to keep the people down, that is. Net: You must have us confused with the editorial page. We’re here to promote understanding! Thus, we undertake our first poll. Just write “Woobie Poll” as your subject header and send your demographic profile (modeled after The Magician‘s ballot below) to us by Thursday at noon. We will tally the results and print it in Friday’s Network.
Here’s mine:
Greek or Dorm Rat? Dorm Rat. Net: “Off-campus” and “Live with Parents” are also categories. Then, of course, there is the ubiquitous “Other,” in which case we want to know exactly how you’re shackin’ up.
IT, CLA or Carlson? CLA and IT. (CLA for undergrad, IT for grad.) Net: Of course, if you’re part of a different college, let us know.
Pro- or Anti-squirrel? Pro-squirrel. Net: A very important category. No other choices. You must choose a side.
Vikings or Packers? Vikings.
Net: To those four questions, we’d like to add a fifth: What color is your woobie? (If you have more than one, let us know that too.)? So, ATTENTION WOOBIE-WEARERS!!! E-mail us with your responses to these five questions, and, as we said, we’ll print the results Friday. We look forward to your responses.

From 3-Some Boy: Hello everyone, and especially the fine people at Network. I’m just wondering where the world-class University we were all promised by the admissions people is at. Net: Madison.
I’m not saying that this fine institution here is less than adequate, but it’s not quite like it was promised to be. Am I the only person to notice the fact that the admissions office is the nicest part of the whole campus?! I mean, you walk into Williamson Hall and it’s cement and cement, except for the nice woodwork in the Admissions Office. And they have to lure you in with all those complimentary donuts and beverages, too — hmmm … Wonder who’s paying for that?
It’s like they are actually going to give food away once they’ve got you in their clutches, and if they did give you food it’d be from Aramark, so it wouldn’t be any prize anyway. Once you’re a student the only service that’s half-assed decent is you guys at Network Net: Thanks. We’re just doin’ our part to be world-class. Could someone get me a free donut, please?! Net: We’d like to — we really would. But unfortunately, we lost all our donuts last night when the cops raided our apartment. However, we think it would be a good idea if everyone who reads this today goes over to the Admissions Office for their free donut. After all, we’re paying for it! Tell ’em Network sent you. And have a nice day.
Net: We do try to stay away from forwards, but this one tickled our small-town souls:

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home.
3. You know what 4-H is.
4. You ever went to “headlight parties.”
5. You used to drag “Main.”
6. You said the “f” word and your parents knew within the hour.
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won’t.
8. You ever went cow-tipping.
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the ‘buyer’ for all of the best parties.
10. You have parties at the same guy’s house.
11. School gets cancelled for state sporting events.
12. The town social events are their children’s.
13. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they’d tell your parents anyhow).
14. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.
15. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut.
16. You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
17. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
18. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of yourself.
19. No place sells gas on Sunday, unless you know the owners and can go get the key to let yourself in.
20. Friday night’s fun consisted of standing in line for the one-screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10 p.m.).
21. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks.
22. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
23. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date or partied in the cemetery.
24. You ordered your wardrobe out of a catalog.
25. You had “senior skip day.”
26. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
27. The only “clique” that nobody would be nice to were the skurves across the street.
28. You don’t give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (“Turn by Armstrongs’ Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons’ and it’s four houses left of the track field”).