Net: Before getting back to the midterm maelstrom of campus sexual release, we would like to observe a moment of silence for all of those who received their season hockey tickets in Section 3 — The other student section Á
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We here at Network feel for all of you.
LOVIN’ ‘U’
From sweetchica: I think it’s refreshing that so many U students feel free enough to express their sexuality via your wonderful Network. Net: And they’re not hiding it under the guise of squirrel letters anymore! We’re so proud In fact, it is because of the boldness of the collective that I finally have found the courage to write in about my own secret campus desire. Net: Ohh yeah Á tell daddy your secrets Á
It involves seducing one of the many flyer-hander-outers that plague Á I mean Á service our beautiful metro campus. I play it over and over in my mind. The unsuspecting flyer-hander-outer approaches me with the fear of yet another rejection visible on his/her weathered face. They ask me if I’d like a flyer. Net: *Slow funk soundtrack starts* I say “I sure do” and then slowly and sensually lift my “Nader 2000” T-shirt, Net: Is that made from hemp? revealing a sexy bra. They get all excited, of course, and proceed to slide a flyer into my Victoria’s Secret slinger much like a high school senior with a ten spot on his first trip to the Vu. Net: Gotta love $6 cups of soda Then, given super-human strength by the lust their little body could not possibly contain, they pick me up, sling me over their shoulder, and drag me to a bike rack where we get dirty on a nearby scooter. Before I know it … a huge crowd (of squirrels) has gathered ’round to watch the action. Gotta love that action. OUT.
From PAKman: I must say, Netminator, you have outdone yourself recently! Chico‘s tales of “ticklin’ the pink taco” and Whitelightning‘s indecent proposal made me wanna go toy with my own DeathStar. Net: Tryin’ to get your proton torpedo in the exhaust vent? Too bad I was in class at the time, and that those wonderful malodorous fellas in my I.T. classes who enjoy their regular dosage of the $2.35 Village Wok meal would not have appreciated if I’d started boxing my bald champ right there and then. Although if Kojak had puked, everyone around me would’ve saved a couple of bucks on the special sauce that the Wok used to be infamous for garnishing their food with. Net: That actually costs extra now Anyways, it’s nice to know that I don’t have to take matters into my own hands (or at least not in the figurative sense) and there’s enough talk of sex going around in the Net to keep me satiated for a while. I’m off and away to fabricate yet another demented entry to Dr. Mate. Net: One of our favorite pastimes. Here’s one we’re working on: “Dear Dr. Date, I am attracted to my fish. How could we possibly have intercourse? Oh, and by the way, I am only turned on by gay anthropomorphic fox animÇ, so please try to work that in to your answer.”
From wingman: The Network and readers have been making me quite happy of late. Net: It was that Gangelhoff/Haskins creature, wasn’t it? All the talk of sex and the adventures of co-eds has inspired me to write in. Yet, I find myself sad at this very instant for I can not say I had a shared moment yet on this campus, but the smile comes back when I say yet. Net: But the smile fades yet again when you realize you are a fifth-year grad student I say who cares about trying to graduate this semester and getting a real job; I have a new goal in life. Having sex on this campus. So where should that be, I ask? All I can think of is Williams Arena. Net: Join the basketball team! They’re looking for a few more players The second thing I would like to say is that just in a few days homecoming will be upon us. I put out a challenge to the masses, make this a college for once, go to the football game and the surrounding events. With people actually going and enjoying themselves, you might actually make this a fun university to be at. Oh wait, if that happens, what would people bitch about? Net: Excessive procreation P.S. who cares about Creed and Pearl Jam. If you want Christian rock, listen to Jars of Clay and real rock. Well, after Pearl Jam’s first album they all kind of sucked.
ETC.
From I: Network, here I sit in a computer lab with nothing to do Net: Two words: Pornographic Internet materials and I say to myself, “Self, why did you come to this class today?” “That’s a good question” I respond. Then I say to myself, “Self, lets check out the Daily’s new web page.” So I did. Net: Did ya see the clouds? Aren’t they trrriippy Á Then I say “Self, let’s write to Net because we’re not busy.” “But,” I respond, “Net has become a playground for odd women begging for hockey guys and overly planned sexcapades that will never happen because the writers don’t leave their rooms.” “But, maybe you could write something worthwhile.” Self says, “Maybe, let’s see.” It was then that I realized I was talking to myself again. “I know that, self, shut up,” I said “Fine, then,” self said. Of course now everyone in the lab is looking at me … If they only knew. Hee Hee Hee. Net: Indeed.
PUBICSERVICE
From KillTheLuddites: I have in my possession one lost cell phone left by an athletic-looking guy with blondish-red hair in SciCB on Friday afternoon. I will return it so long as the owner of this phone promises to always turn it off before entering class and to never drive while gabbing on it. Please, Network, allow the owner of said phone to contact me if he wishes to reclaim it. Grazie.
Net: Have a good day, and be sure to spare some pity for those people in Section 3. Poor bastards.
