Net: It’s undergro…

Net: It’s underground.
It’s a party, but not just any party.
Your kids could be there.
It’s the subject of last night’s WCCO Channel 4 ‘Dimension’ schlock-fest. Did you know that there are now RAVES in Minneapolis? And KIDS are going to them and DANCING? And people are DOING DRUGS and SELLING DRUGS Á AT A RAVE? *Gasp* What an inspiring piece of investigative journalism. What other hard-hitting and muck-raking stories can we expect from the Dimension team?
*Cue crappy pseudo-important-sounding music and graphics that appear to have been made in Microsoft Paint* “How much do you know about what your kids do at hockey games? We sent an undercover camera to a Gopher hockey and discovered the UNTHINKABLE. College-aged kids SWEARING Á teenagers with sticks AND BLADES ON THEIR FEET fighting each other Á and PEOPLE PAYING to see it. Tonight on a Dimension that you have to see OR YOU ANDYOURLOVEDONES WILL DIE.”
From atworkJerk: Hey nutty Net and Networkians! I thought I’d comment on my voting experience last Tuesday that’s been a part of this presidential mess we are still in a week later. Net: We still think Browne is gonna come from behind The polling place where I was to cast my critical candidatial opinion was at the Health building across from T-Hall, so I got to vote alongside many of our freshmen folk. None of whom started grinding and making out, Net: The little cuties were probably tired from feverishly attempting to mate with each other so that was a little disappointing. Anyway, the line to register us lazy voters who didn’t bother to do it sooner was tremendously long. This didn’t bother me because I assumed I couldn’t have been the only one who was waiting to register until Election Day. But what was rather troublesome was that twice they ran out of ballots. Net: Just write it on a napkin Now, for at least two weeks prior to voting day, everywhere you looked someone was reminding you to vote. But then when the big day arrives they’re short of supplies as if they really weren’t expecting so many people to take the advice. Then our ballot-taking machine deal wasn’t working properly, Net: You idiot! That was a urinal! so that made things go even longer. The whole ordeal took two hours, and when I got home, they were announcing Mark Dayton as the Senate winner before my, as well as many other’s, votes could have even been counted. So that leaves me wondering, does my vote really matter? Oh, well. Hey, Wookie, how the hell’d you loose your hat, you geek? You did, however, have a good idea with the five CD’s, so I thought I’d contribute mine. But first, a haiku about my loser long-distance relationship with my ugly girlfriend. Later, Nader.

Girlfriend is away
I see her from time to time
The sex is awesome

1. Pink Floyd – Obscured by Clouds
2. Pink Floyd – Meddle (perhaps the best album ever)
3. Pink Floyd – Dark Side of the Moon
4. Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here
5. Pink Floyd – The Wall
From sex_kitten: So last month I found myself drunk in the company of two of my very good guy friends. Net: Was this supposed to go to Dr. Date? This is all well and good until the next morning I wake up naked and realize I’ve had a threesome. Net: Boy, was your [face] red Deciding to clean up my act, I continued dating a very wonderful guy who happens to be capturing my heart but still cannot keep me faithful. Last weekend I went home to visit friends. Net: AWWW YEAHHHH! Once again I am drunk in the presence of boys, which turns out to be a dangerous situation for me. In the morning, I once again awake naked next to three guys this time — all of whom I was very close to in a strictly-friends manner during high school. Feeling horrible, I drive all the way back to the corrupting Twin Cities crying and think of the pure and innocent, sweet girl I used to be. Net: All the time masturbating like a ferret on meth? However, upon further retrospection, I have come to the conclusion that I do indeed plan on keeping up my promiscuous behavior. Net: HOORAY! I thought the Net needed a new legendary slut this year so decided to fill you in on my escapades.
And just to change the topic completely, I am so incredibly god damn sick of the freaking haiku. So there. Net: Ehhhh Á go have sex or something Á

From Kuk-E-Monster: Hey Net! I know this is going to be tough to swallow, Net: Yowsa! but you had to figure that the Gophers undefeated streak would have to come to an end. At least we tied the Sioux the second night. Now granted that the Gophers probably won’t be number one anymore that doesn’t mean we can’t go up to the National Gopher Center this Friday night and NUT the Huskies. Let’s show those dogs how to play some real hockey and then come back home for the sweep. Warning: Abrupt topic change. Yo Net? Remember last year’s winner of Slapnuts of the Year? Net: Joel Przybilla for all you newbies Why don’t you guys make it a biannual event culminating at the end of both fall and spring semesters? I agree with last year’s winner of the award and I am presenting you with my nomination for this year’s Slapnuts award winner. I nominate Josh Linehan of the Daily. That guy obviously is completely against all Gopher sports teams and yet he’s a NUTTing sports columnist for the Daily. What the NUT is that all about Josh? Talking about how football sucks, how hockey sucks, Net: We can say for a fact that he never said this Á hockey suckage talk is not tolerated in the Daily newsroom how this team sucks, how that team sucks. Guess what Josh, YOU SUCK!! Net: Whoa! It’s a switcheroo! If you don’t like the Gophers then go to Madison. We don’t need you bad mouthing our sports teams at your amusement and/or disposal. How in the world did any of his columns get published in the first place? Net: Well, you see, he’s kind of the sports editor, so Á And he said that men’s basketball should get the death penalty. You know what I think? Net: The Daily needs more fishing coverage? I think coach Monson should have taken the offensive and given Josh the death penalty and not allow him to cover any men’s basketball games for the entire season. Net: We’re all about viewpoint discrimination! HOORAY! Good day.