Net: It doesn’t matter what you do, folks; other people’s habits are going to piss you off.
That’s what we’re here for.
Today’s installment is called:
HOLIER THAN THOU
From Nina: A few weeks ago, an esteemed guest speaker lectured in one of my classes. He is a very important man who was instrumental in creating the International Court of Justice. Net: That DOES sound important! As he spoke of his role in drafting this international treaty, he was interrupted by the CLINK-CLINK-CLINK of a woman in the audience clipping her fingernails!!! Now this was not a huge lecture class, where the clipping sound would blend into the background. No — it was a small seminar with less than 20 students. This woman clipped, and clipped oblivious of the dirty looks that were flying her way. Net: Not to mention the cuticle-shrapnel that was flying yours. She clipped so long that I had to look to make sure that she did not have 20 fingers instead of 10. How rude! Net: Sorry, no Jar Jar references, please. I implore you Network readers to join the fight against public clipping. We must spread the word and resocialize the barbarians who think it is okay to subject the rest of the world to their foul-ass hangnails and fungus. Net: (ClapClap) Isotoners for everyone! If you are nasty enough to have clipped your fingernails in public, from now on leave your clippers at home or we will confiscate them.
From My Privates aren’t dirty; I’m only dirty in private: I understand that, as college students, many of you are short on time. I understand that much of the time you do have is spent on studying (wishful thinking?), working and getting a couple hours of sleep. But please people, for the love of God, find a way to shower!!!! A two-minute scrub shouldn’t take much time out of your schedule. You don’t need to shave if you don’t want to, you can even skip soaping up the arms and legs, just please, please, PLEASE, clean those pits and privates. Net: Some clothing would be nice, too. And smile, fer chrissake. I don’t want to smell you at 8 a.m. It is bad enough looking at your greasy head and face. For those of you in the dorms where showers are shared, why not showers for two, or three? Net: Easy, Mapplethorpe. Save time and think of the friendships you could build.
And, to all you sickly things, coughing and sneezing all over the place: Ever heard of a pharmacy? They have these neat little things called cough drops. Net: Yes, and Vicadin. And Valium, too. And amyls. Saaay … anyone know a good pharmacist? They help ease that hackin’ a bit so the rest of us can hear the prof. Also, they have these things called facial tissues into which you may blow your nose or sneeze. Leaves your hands free of slimy mucus, thereby letting you skip the part where you rub your hand onto your pant leg. GROSS!!!
Gotta go, I feel this incredible need to shower.
From FreshmanCHOMPER: Okay Network, I’ve come to the conclusion that the freshman class is getting progressively more and more rude each coming year. Net: Let us guess … this year’s crop is no exception? In my theater class, which contains tons of freshmen, we were viewing a film one day. Net: Are you sure it wasn’t a film class? Suddenly, right during the movie, one of the arrogant little freshman girls stood up and obnoxiously asked an entire lecture of more than 300 people if anyone had seen her black water bottle. Boy did she think she was funny too, all giggly and idiotic! Three rows behind me were two freshman guys making grossly offensive comments about one of the actresses in the film, saying how great it would be to see her “big titties.” Not only this, but when they would get bored with a part in the movie, they would say how “gay” it was. They also thought it would have been “cool” to smuggle in some beer to class. Net: Hmm. In a black water bottle, perhaps? Now, we must give some of these freshmen some room to make mistakes — I mean, some of them do come from places like Anoka, Net: We thought we kept them out? so we can’t expect their simple minds to quite yet be adjusted to serious learning and cultural diversity. Actually, some people from Anoka never quite catch on to the cultural diversity part, but that’s another issue all together. However, a personal message to those freshmen from us upperclassmen that have survived up to years three and four: GROW THE HELL UP! Some of us want to get out of her in four years, which is already next to impossible. Why should we have our education distracted by your inability to be mature in the classroom? Take it to the frat houses, or better yet, go back to high school for another year if you can’t get out of the mentality!
From Shmutz: This is to all of those lazy, union, fatass, braindead, can’t-get-a-real-job-anywhere-else, tuition-eating, loser freaks we call janitors in the Electrical Engineering Computer Science Building: Net: That’s “maintenance engineers,” buddy.
I know it isn’t written in your union contract to do any work, but maybe pull your thumbs out of your unwashed bloated asses and clean the bathrooms. Net: Nope. They’re busy planting marigolds. You know damn well what I mean. The men’s bathroom — east side, second floor — is hell. Not only are towels and soap a scarcity, but every grime and pestilence known to man are harbored there were spawned from the damn toilet. At least once a week the handicapped toilet is filled to the brim with s##!+. The stall door is locked, and the feces fester with a stench that could gag a maggot. The bathroom and surrounding hallway smell like the damn streets of Calcutta. FIX THE DAMN TOILET! IF YOU CAN’T, THEN HANG A SIMPLE DAMN ‘OUT OF ORDER’ SIGN! This is probably too much to ask of you illiterate fat asses.
Unless the culprit is some sick ass mental freak who, weekly, likes to spray diarrhea all over the toilet and lock the stall in some warped silly little game to reign his God-awful stench upon the poor saps that try to use the bathroom, you should be dragged out into the middle of Washington Avenue and have your throat stomped on. The above is still true of the janitors. Thank you for letting me vent.
Net: Wow. Our proverbial eyebrows are raised. Does everybody feel better now (except the clippers, stinkers, freshmen and janitors?) We hope so. Good morrow.
