QUESTIONS, SUGGES…

QUESTIONS, SUGGESTIONS AND RAVES
Net: As a public service to our readers (not that we’re into public service or anything) we occasionally publish your inquiries into the University, student life, and the Net itself. Today we sample a few of these musings, hoping that the satisfaction of one writer may lead to happiness for all. Remember — the greatest good for the greatest number is the key. Pleasant reading — and have a grand utilitarian day.

From The Funky Bunch: I have some questions about a few subjects. Net: So do we. But we’ll let you go first.
Subject ##1: What does NITWIT stand for again? Net: NITWIT is the Network Investigative Team Working for Indisputable Truth. It was organized during the Network coup of October, 1997, and has since held a firm grip on the consciousness of the Net and its readership. Although it is commonly believed to be in league with the squirrels, nothing could be less true. NITWIT, as the care-giving and paramilitary wing of Net, is here to serve U!
Subject ##2: If the obnoxious Abercrombie & Fitch yellow jacket has become the tell-tale sign of conformity Net: Hey — it’s a heckuva lot better than a swastika or parachute pants or something, then how come most of those obnoxious jackets have “Columbia” sewn into them? Would Network mind sparing some wise words for the masses (Yes, I am sucking up, Net:With us, that always helps ’cause I am actually curious about this issue)? Net: Not a problem. We like people who suck. We find it — relaxing. “Columbia,” as far as we know, has no significance as part of the A&F ensemble other than to conjure up vague associations with fifteenth-century imperialists who arrogantly “discovered” continents before embarking on a course of genocide. Also, obsolete space shuttles and the capital of the first state to secede from the United States also have “Columbia” connotations. Any other theories?
Subject ##3: Is it my imagination, or have all those annoying prepsters I loved to hate in high school joined fraternities? Net: No, it’s not your imagination. At about the age of 18, annoying prepsters are seized by the little-researched, but undeniably powerful “too-tight baseball cap” gene. Although the prepsters subconsciously recognize that their continual need to wear baseball caps is leading to a lessened oxygen flow to the brain and thus attempt to compensate for this condition by adopting close-shorn haircuts, they cannot repress their desires.
They soon form support groups by banding together in houses signified by Greek letters, which is an attempt to alleviate their intellectual insecurity. Eventually they meet their female counterparts (possessed by the “big hair” gene) and have offspring that share these traits. The lesson: All frat boys are inbred.
Have a nice day.
Subject ##4: Because of my disdain for conformity, am I conforming? Net: Depends — what color’s your jacket?
Subject ##5: Based upon these questions, do I have too much free time on my hands? Net: Only in a comparative sense. Compared to other, more taxing positions in life — such as those of AIDS researchers or Mark Yudof’s weight trainer — you probably do. But, considering the amount of room we spent responding.
Next letter, please …
FROMTHEDEPTHSOFTIME

From Ian Dark: Before I vanish into the mysterious fog of time Net: No … Ian … don’t do it! We mustn’t be left to scratch, I have predictions for the year 1998. Unlike many of the so-called “psychics” of the present, my predictions are mind-bogglingly accurate. Net: As we would expect, from a Renaissance man. Here is a list of ten predictions:
1. A famous entertainer will die unexpectedly. Net: Wow. That’s goin’ out on a limb. Hey — anybody bumped into Sonny Bono lately? Watch out for that tree!
2. The government of a large nation will be bogged down by petty and biased arguments based on partisan politics. Net: Unless, of course, it’s the rhythm nation of which you speak.
3. There will be civil unrest in the Holy Land. Net: What?!?! Alicia Silverstone’s bedroom?!?! Say it ain’t so!
4. The Crown Prince of England will continue his quiet search for a wife. Net: Nothin’s quiet with the paparazzi around, bud.
5. The rays of the sun will be more harmful to people than in past years. Net: Especially for people who watch Tampa Bay’s expansion team.
6. An evil entity called “road construction” will stall many travellers en route to their destination. Net: And to think that, for most people, only bad decisions do that.
7. A strange device with people in a box will continue to persuade its viewers to buy various items they have no use for. Net: Don’t worry. Once those gullible baby boomers die off, we’ll put an end to that. Wait a minute — what about those cute “Friends”kids. Yeah — sweaters. Yeah.
8. It is certain that no giraffes will be elected to the government of Italy Net: How about jackasses in the U.S.?, although one may be on the ballot. Net:Hey — you know why giraffes have long necks?Because their heads are really high off the ground.
9. A large “eye” in space will continue to give false information to those who attempt to divine the weather. Net: But at least CBS will have the NFL back.
10. The Spanish Inquisition will not make a comeback in popularity. Net: Depends. How cute is the Spanish major? We can think of plenty of inquiries, but are surprisingly shy when we’ve been found out.

Net: Thanks, y’all. We’re still wading through the mail, but we’ll be right back atcha tomorrow. Hasta.