Net: Happy Monday, Networkians. We bring important news.
Citizen has returned.
Having reappeared from a covert mission on the North Ridge, he reports that estimations of Obsequian presence have been greatly exaggerated.
For four grueling days, Citizen and an unnamed high-ranking NITWIT operative traversed the inclement terrain in deep secrecy, hoping to uncover King T’s most fortified encampments.
All they found were signs of flight. It seems T is retreating, but Citizen warns of a potential subterfuge. We will keep you abreast of new developments as T’s planned day of attack approaches.
Onward then, to the letters.
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH TAPWATER
From Psycho: Network, the recent juvenile bickering between College of Liberal Arts students and Institute of Technology students has reinforced one of my key sociological observations of our world. Net: That some people are destined to be poor art flakes and others to be socially inept geeks? That’s nothing new. It is divided into two groups: those who have tried LSD and those who have not. Net: Gee, and which are you? You see, the majority of people on this campus who have tried LSD are students in CLA. Through their mind-expansion, they have discovered there is more to life than making a lot of money and bowing down to the man. They have decided they wish to pursue a more intellectually stimulating path for the rest of their lives. This is not to say that technical careers do not present an intellectual challenge, but writing code 40-plus hours per week is not my idea of exciting. Net: Breathing walls and exacerbated emotions ain’t bad, but it doesn’t pay the rent. My suggestion to this campus is everyone must try LSD at least once. Net: Those of you who don’t freak are in the club. Now a total left-brain person might not like it as much as a total right-brain person, but most of us are somewhere in between. Let me clear up some common fears for you before you start preaching the propaganda of the negatives. LSD does not permanently stay in your spine or anywhere else. It is filtered out just like any other chemical. This also throws flashbacks out the window. Flashbacks are the result of a particular stressing or intense experience, which tripping can be. Vietnam vets have flashbacks because it was an intense and stressing experience. There is also no evidence of permanent psychosis, but it does change the levels of neurotransmitters in your brain. So, everyone, try some LSD. Hell … we should be putting it in the water.
OUR COHORTS, ASLEEP IN THE TREES
From Mr. Hyde: Ah, summer session I is upon us, and as the warm rays of the sun strike the forest floor, Hyde awakens from his winter slumber. And what, Oh Glorious Network, do I find? Chaos has gripped my forest realm! The Obsequians are among us. You top-dwellers do not realize the extent of the Obsequian might. Net: Could Citizen be mistaken? Reports have been coming in from all things furry of massive forces hiding in dark caves underneath the earth, awaiting the day of battle. The time for action is near. Time grows short for the One with the C64, searching for the Number Prime, as it does for us all. We are grossly unprepared for the coming struggle, but we are strong. We will be ready! Let me assure you, oh Network, that I, Hyde, and my vast armies of the forests are behind you. All my minions will be readied for battle. We will prevail! Lead on Network, to victory and to life!!! Net: Truly, there is no rest for the righteous. NITWIT has been dispatched; may our worst fears be allayed.
From Epee: As a candidate for NITWIT agentship, I now offer my thesis for King T’s ultimate plot. Upon Citizen‘s verification of Obsequian presence in the Carlson School of Management, Net: Consider it verified. we can come to a simple conclusion. The King of Terror is up to his old tricks using students’ ignorance and fear of each other. King T will make his presence known in certain schools to make all other schools target that one. In this way, eventually all schools will be destroyed. King T and his Obsequians know that they are hopelessly outnumbered, so by direct enlistment or by indirect trickery they must make the students destroy each other through their own ignorance and bigotry. Thus the way to defeat King T is intercollege coupling and free love for everybody! Net: And hey — if things look bad for the good guys, what else is there to do but go out with a bang?
WARMING FUZZY
From Phlegm of Discontent: Scientists say that global warming will cause Minnesota to become warmer and drier. Net: Outtasight! Now then, where’s that can of refrigerant? It will also cause the ice caps to melt, inundating coastlines around the world. And disasters like monsoons and hurricanes will become much worse, wreaking havoc on places like the southeastern region of the United States, India and Southeast Asia. Where’s the problem? They say these are bad things, but I think they’re good things. Minnesota will be inhabitable for more than three months out of the year. We won’t have to deal with those tofu-eating weirdos from California or the inbred hicks from those lands we conquered back in 1865. And the idiots we sent to Bangladesh will be washed out to sea. I’m doing my own part in bringing about global warming; driving around in my Gas Guzzler from hell, keeping large herds of cattle and burning down rain forests. Hooray for global warming!
THEY’RE BAAAAAACK!
From Screech, the resilient: Hello Network editors. Net: Where have you bean?! You didn’t really think you had gotten rid of me last June when I completed my master’s degree, did you? Net: No … we just thought you might’ve gotten a life. Well, I took a year off to gather myself and now I am back, not as a student, but as a full-time employee of this “institution of higher learning.”
In addition, just thought you’d like to know that even though the Pizza Club for Studs is no longer a student organization, we still do meet occasionally over at the Hut in Dinkytown. There are still a handful of us in the Twin Cities, but since we’re all working, we meet for the evening buffet on Fridays rather than the lunch buffet. We’ll keep you updated. Net: The Club is dead; long live the Club. See you Wednesday.
