Net: Boy, this semester is going slow … When is finals week, anyway? We’ll just have to stop by class next week and ask.
IRONIC CYMBALISM
From The Angry Gopher: Please help me in my effort to nail the SOB who ripped apart the cymbals guy in your column. When I went to the Gophers game last Saturday I was looking forward to seeing the cymbal guy’s antics. However, I was informed at the game that someone wrote some not-so-nice comments in Network. Net: Not-so-nice comments in Network?!? How on Earth did we let those slip through?!?! Will our dirty hands ever be able to become clean? The horror! The horror …
To whoever that a$$hole Net: Thanks for subtly disguising your profanity might be, I am offering a bounty of $40 for anyone who can identify you to me. Someone please write to Network with his seat location at the games Net: Our guess: barn lofts so I can give him the public humiliation that he deserves. I wonder if he’s ever been duct-taped to a tree naked before?
You never know what the Net: [expletive deleted] might mistake for an acorn. And to you, cymbals guy … we hope that you return to your more spirited Net: (i.e. boozed-up) self at future games.
TWIRLING ANDSWIRLING
From The Chazmanian Devil: Regarding the crazy baton twirl girl: I agree that she’s out there doing her best to entertain the loyal Gophers fans during those wretched halftime breaks (they shouldn’t be there in the first place … keep the game going) Net: Yeah, and they should eliminate the out-of-bounds call … What a waste of time that is! Are they too wussy to chase the damn ball? but I fully understand that a slew of people find her little stick solo to be a yawn. She undoubtedly has incredible talent; it’s just the kind of talent that no one appreciates. Net: That last sentence is the story of our lives. Nobody appreciates being able to fart the alphabet. Therefore, I suggest that she modify her routine. Instead of boring, plain batons, she should be wielding, throwing and catching butterfly knives, or other weapons of the like. If that girl was whipping around a butterfly knife, throwing it high into the air, only to catch it, followed up by a roundhouse kick of some sort, Net: And then the cymbal guy comes out and they fight to the death — Thunderdome style. All to the tune of the Basketball Pep Band playing Go Gopher Victory (G-flat version) it would be the ultimate halftime show. Move over Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and all you other Super Bowl halftimers; the crazy butterfly knife girl is after you! And for those of you who really find this talented young woman to be absolutely revolting, just hope she doesn’t catch the knife properly and you won’t have to see her perform any more. A bloody finale of sorts. Just a thought.
STARVINGARTISTS
From auntie evil: Wow, Gov. Ventura is obviously in agreement with the University regarding his opinion about the Art Building: “Hmmm, not worth the effort.” He apparently had planned to drop by on his recent visit, but Borlaug Hall, the soil building, was deemed a far more interesting tour. Net: Mmmmmm … soil … Had he checked it out, he would have seen that the Art Building is a depressing, disintegrating shack that, as rumor has it, has been repeatedly condemned. It’s cold, dark, asbestos-ridden and all the desks are dilapidated and crooked. Net: Probably just to prepare art students for their future apartments. It is a hazard and an eyesore. I mean, doesn’t it just look wrong? Oh, sorry, maybe the Science Classroom Bomb Shelter and it are a matching set.
When I had a drawing class there, I would watch the birds fly in and out through the broken windows to nest in the rafters. Was that supposed to be inspiring or something? Net: Only if their crap fell on your paper. You’d probably get a better grade for being ‘on the edge.’ The construction has not let up in the four years I have been here, yet no one has done a damn thing to fix it up!
Right next to it is that new, monstrous library complex, built in total indifference to the crappy little Art Building. I am sure the poor thing cries at night. Thank you for listening. Net: It’s what we do worst.
ASS PAPER
From Igor, that’s eye-gor: Oof-Da, Oh Yah! What’s up, Net? I got a gripe. Net: We are sick of gripes; isn’t anybody just blindly exultantly happy? If so, write in, you silly biartches! More than a few times now I have gone into a bathroom at our sometimes beloved institution to find toilet paper oh-so-delicately placed on the seat of the throne. Net: What a waste! That’s what A&E is for!
Now, I don’t have any problem with wiping the seat or sitting on the paper, but please, folks, get rid of it when you are done. I don’t want to see your ass paper sitting on the crapper I have to use. Now a message to G-Love, Baron Rook von Toast and Frau Blucher: MMMM, that’s a yummy sound! Net: Sounds like somebody is not going to receive fruit cup.
OURFINALTHOUGHT …
From GlowWorm: I rarely read the Daily, let alone Network itself, Net: Ouch so if this doesn’t follow any current discussion, well … I guess I’m just a poop in the grass.
This is about the survival of humans on our planet and a little something called veganism. When people hear about animal rights, they tend to get their grundies in a bundle, so don’t! This ISN’T about animal rights! Net: Animals be damned! You don’t have to love animals in order to be vegan. You just have to understand why veganism is so important.
1. Resources: The amount of resources wasted on animal (meat) production Net: Etc., Etc., Etc. Oh, sorry, we appear to have run out of space. Well, y’all get the point: Knosh on plant grindage, not flesh grindage.
