Net: Projects, papers, take-home finals … and here comes the sun. …
HITHER AND THITHER
From Yngwie:
No. 1: Shut the hell up about Bizarro. The first time I saw that comic, I thought it was the precocious doing of a sixth-grader. The last time I saw that comic, I thought it was the precocious doing of a sixth-grader. Networkians should instead revolt against A&E, Net: We’ve tried. Their shield is impenetrable for they have taken away a much greater source of amusement, Life In Hell.
No. 2: Clothing should not be sold by the pound. End of story. Net: Nor should it be sold on the merits of its labeling, but it happens.
No. 3: Little politicos should not be allowed to rant against the bookstores in Network. You come to college, you have to buy books. The bookstores have to make money in order to pay their crabby employees and finance Commodore revolutions. Instead of bitching about how much you paid for a book, either buy it from a friend or go without it. And speaking of bitching …
No. 4: It is spelled B-I-Y-A-T-C-H, people. Net: In the case of the new Leonardo DiCaprio movie that’s on the way, it’s spelled “The Beach.” While the luscious folds of golden skin that the Campus Connecter driver has might remind you of Cozumel, I am pretty sure she is not a BEEAACH. She is probably not even a BIATCH, another common spelling. BIYATCH is yotated, Net: Yo … tated? you idiots. That means there is a ‘Y’ in there. Net: Oh. You can actually hear it between bouts of projectile vomiting!
No. 5: It is rumored that the sprites were actively, erm, “engaged” Saturday night ’round about Ford Hall. If you are going to be having sex on campus, I hope at the very least you are terribly drunk. Stupid people who do so for the hell of it should not be allowed to procreate. Net: There you have it — make alcoholics, not idiots. Mutual exclusivity at its weakest.
HEINEKEN?!
From Easy Rider: Geez, PeeWee, when was the last time your frat had a party that served Schlitz? Do you frat guys have a secret liquor store that provides that wonderful elixir of the 1970s? If you could provide me with the source of your Schlitz and a half-barrel of Pabst Blue Ribbon, I would be very happy. I miss being PBRed. Net: Pelvically Bum-Rushed? Partially Breast Reducted? Puking Big Rocks?
CRACK ONE OPEN
From Crackbunnie to Buckfifty: Hey, Bucky, you and me have GOT to get together, as well as the disrobing Jesus. Net: Two rodents and a Messiah walk into a bar … Humiliating and questioning Brother Jed is too much to pass up, especially as finals are getting closer. All bunnies have to let out a little steam, right? It’s not like we’re allowed to dig up his garden and chew up his carrots or anything (ewwwwwwwwwwwwww).
Here are some ideas I’ve come up with to perform opposite Dreaded Jed:
B) We dress up as sheep and goats and dance to Cake’s “Sheep go to Heaven, Goats go to Hell.” Net: You’re all goats, if you ask ol’ Jed.
U) Put on a short version of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”
N) Make our own “Return of the Jedi”, starring Brother Jed as Luke Skywalker — only this time the plot is such that Luke keeps showing up at college campuses preaching hate and ignorance, reminding us all why WE’RE being educated.
N) Dress up in our Wicca and darksider best and rush up to all Jed’s cronies, while hysterically panting, “You’re going to Heaven! Save yourself! You can only be saved by touching yourself and everyone around you in naughty ways!” Net: Hope this works.
I) Make Brother Jed T-shirts, mugs, pins and other cheap junk and sell it to his crowds at inflated prices. Net: Shameless. Which reminds us, we’re still working on those Network/Citizen/MOC T-shirts for anyone who’s interested … What kind of street performer doesn’t have cheap trinkets and stale popcorn for his listeners? Amateur.
E) We start play-by-play announcing, with instant replays and even commercials.
I have plenty more ideas where those came from, but most others would get me in trouble (premeditation and all that).
ULTIMATE SHAM
From Zombie D: Hey, Net! First of all, I will concede that WeePeePee (or whatever his name is) is not speaking complete bunk (what with his Star Wars comments and all), but when it comes to ultimate Frisbee, I think he and all his drunken fraternity brothers have quite a bit to learn. It was the least we “randoms” could do for the other onlookers to shut up that rowdy bunch of sword-waving freaks with more spirit than I saw in ALL my high school years combined (all six of them). Too bad we had to get beat by those dirty losers from Sig Ep. Net: As long as there are Panhellenic refs, a GDR team will never win. *Sigh* Oops! Did we say that? They totally trashed what was otherwise a great tournament. Net: You mean, they were totally trashed at an otherwise… aw, forget it. Also, I would like it brought to the attention of the entire University community that the Women’s Ultimate Disc Club has earned a spot in the national tournament in Colorado this year. Net: Does Yudof know about this? Unfortunately, the Daily sports crew doesn’t feel this is worthy enough to be featured in an article, being a mere club sport and all… At least we do our homework. Anywayz, go girlz! Use the force! Net: We’d be more likely to use a Tron reference here, but — whatever works.
From Skelman: I know who the Phantom Menace is … it’s JarJar. This sorry excuse for a Wookie replacement needed to be killed so there was a guarantee he won’t be back in “… Episode II.” I mean, c’mon … I could understand Chewie better than this guy. Net: Wesa dunnos da bigs poopistank dassabout Jar Jar! … sheesh. JarJar fans, go to www.jarjarsucks.com