Net: Remember, today’s your last chance to vote for Slapnuts of the Year.
WHITE TRASH
From Killa Billa:Yo Yo Yo Network! WAAAAZZZuuuuupp! Net: not much, just kickin’ it, puttin’ our feet up sippin’ some Hennessy, waitin’ fo our bitches to get off work. Why don’t you get off your lazy asses to publish this letter written by the one and only true pimp attending this University. Net: Sheeyat, why you gots to front? Y’all just jealous that we be pimpin’ hos and axin’ questions later. The hype is true, ladies and gentlemen: The frat ferries Net: You best check yo’self and the cheaters … uh … I mean athletes Net: that must explain how Brock Lesnar is still in school. Is he retarded? can’t compare to the ladies’ man Killa Billa. Net: If dis be you, Joel, we hope you get hit by a bus. Anyway, my neighbor is disrespecting the Daily and my doggs at Network. Net: What? What? Where our dogs at. Woof woof! By the way, who’s got the keys to our Jeep? In his words, “The Daily is a f&@king hick paper. I would never read that piece of sh*t!” Net: Us neither. Let me tell you about this neighbor. The kid lives and dies for wrestling (or should I say white trash-ling). Net: Well, if the Daily is a hick paper, why doesn’t your neighbor, we’ll call him “Cleatus, the misplaced Texan,” read it? Hick, white trash, what’s the difference? He has a life-size “The Rock” anatomically correct blow Net: job doll that he cherishes. Net: We have a life-size sports editor doll that we “cherish.” The Gomer Pile read the 400 page book written by Man’s Man or Mankind … who really gives a f&@k what his name is. I noticed that a few of the pages were stuck together, and it wasn’t syrup holding those pages together if you know what I’m saying. Net: Looks like Cleatus, the misplaced Texan misses his dad, ifyouknowwhatwe’resayin’. To end my letter, I would like to inform all of you WWF and WCW fans out there that until you quit drooling over these men in speedos and move out of the trailer park, you won’t find yourself in the presence of the famed Net: our ass Killa Billa or any of the beautiful honeys of the world.
Net: To clarify: Slapnuts of the Year candidate No.5: wrestling fans, specifically Cleatus, the misplaced Texan. Thanks, Killa Billa — keep yo’ head up.
POOPSTAIN
From Slam Donkey: Hark! Net: Yar? Hello, almighty and all-knowing Net. I write to you from my jail cell in Superblock and, man, do I have a story for you! First of all, let me set the picture straight. Net: all right, sounds like lunch break. We’ll be back in a bit. There is a kid that lives on my floor, let’s call him “Social Reject,” and he scares the bejeezus out of me. Net: That was the absolute best tater-tot hotdish we’ve ever had. He is the type of kid who thinks he is Don Juan but is far from it. Watching this kid talk to girls is hideous and almost sad. He is the type of guy who makes Rodney Dangerfield look like Tom Cruise. So here it is. One lovely Saturday morning as my roommates and I were getting ready to eat brunch, we see Social Reject enter the bathroom. Net: Duhn, duhn, duhn … Nature called for one of my roommates, Net: Whoa! Speaking of Nature calling — we’ve got to get in that bathroom right now! so he proceeded to go into the bathroom. Net: Wow. A work of art on that toilet bowl. It has been nicely painted by tater-tot grease. Anyway … What does he see? Social Reject standing there in his Net: grundies waiting for the water to get warm. You see, Social Reject is VERY anal about anybody in the bathroom when he is in there. He will stare you down if you even attempt to wash your hands or go to the bathroom when he is in there. Net: We hate it when someone uses water in the middle of our shampoo. No water pressure. We hate our roommates. Anyway, after my roommate comes back from the can, I decided that I had to wash my hands. Net: You guys are pretty damn sneaky — and sick! I enter the bathroom and notice Social Reject is already in the shower, THANK GOD. As I am washing my hands, I look in the mirror and see the absolute worst thing possible. Net: Princess Di naked? Walter Matthau’s manhood? The ghost of Nate Melcher? There, lying in the corner of the bathroom, is Social Reject’s tighty whities with a brownish stain on them. As curiosity overcame me, I took another look. Net: If you saw this nastiness, why in the hell would you want to get closer to it? Damn idiot. We are THE WORST THING THAT HAPPENED TO MINNESOTA
not talking about small brown streaks; we are talking chunks of sh*t. Net: Zoiks! Needless to say, I was very near to vomiting. So, if you ever see sh*t-stained tighty whities ever again, you can be sure it is from Social Reject. Net: He would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids … Social Reject, if you are reading this, buy some Depends … or toilet paper. OUT. Net: like a candle.
From Cutiethatsgotitall: YO to the Netmeisser Net: Yo. Please don’t call us the “Netmeisser” — ever. Thanks. In response to the Slapnuts contest, I would hafta agree with YankeesSuck, Joel Przybilla thinks he’s the sh*t when, in reality, he was in on the whole cheating scandal. Net: Thank you Ted Koppel. By the way, what’s up with that hair? This is a shout out to a second Net: (fifth) vote for Joel Przybilla for the Slapnuts champion of them all. Who does the all-forsaken-wanna-be-Kevin Garnett think he is, anyway? Net: The all-forsaken-wanna-be-Kevin Garnett. Don’t you know that you’re not gonna make it in the NBA, little man? Net: What? Do you know? Besides serving us “lushes” Net: at least you’re honest our goods and doggies in a blanket, he should also be doing the whole basketball team a favor, like being their “waterboy.” So to all of you who think Joel Przybilla is the sh*t Net: We don’t think anyone thinks that anymore, except, of course, for his money-hungry parents who want Joel to buy them out of ghetto-ass Monticello, you’re in for a real surprise, just you guys wait and see. Because your all-forsaken-wanna-be-Kevin Garnett Net: please quit saying that … It’s so friggin’ stupid … is nothing but an under-achiever-standing-behind-a-concession-stand little man. As for the rest of you who agree with me, all my best. Sincerely, Cutiethatsgotitall. Net: Joel Przybilla is the most embarrassing thing that ever came from Minnesota. What a boner! Sounds like he has an inside track …