If 10 years of reading about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has taught me anything, it’s that it’s not ending anytime soon. Clearly the “traditional” diplomacy, such as meetings, negotiations and shooting each other, isn’t working. There must be a better way.
The problem as I see it is that too many “experts” are constrained by mainstream international relations.
The best solution is trying something completely unorthodox, and who better than a humor columnist from some student newspaper in the backwater United States to come up with the answer!
The New York Times has a Pulitzer Prize-winning foreign-affairs columnist in Thomas L. Friedman? Well, The Minnesota Daily’s got a hack humorist who won “Most Likely to Hit a Pedestrian” in his senior yearbook.
The serious diplomats have had their shot, now it’s time for the humor columnists. Move over Mr. Friedman, I’m about to lay down the law.
As I see it, the biggest factors affecting the Middle East peace process are guns, bombs and the morons willing to use them. There seems to be far too much aggression in the region, and the most popular way to vent for some people involves squeezing a trigger, launching a rocket or simply chucking the nearest rock.
A proper solution would be to take this energy and channel it into more-constructive (or at least less-destructive) action.
My solution is simple: Issue everyone in the region a full supply of water balloons. Whenever they feel the urge to get even with the other side, they can toss a balloon. If a person is hit by a water balloon, he or she is ineligible to participate in any aspect of the political process for 24 hours to a week, depending on the severity of the soaking.
Under no circumstances may water be replaced with any other liquid: paint, pig’s blood, urine, acid or otherwise. Under no circumstances may the balloons be frozen. Punishment for any such infractions will be one month of nonparticipation and/or criminal charges.
People eliminated by water balloons may continue their work and lifestyle so long as it does not directly involve negotiations between the Israelis and Palestinians.
If the person’s job is directly involved with the peace process, they will get paid time off while their side includes a temp replacement.
As you can probably guess, polarizing political figures will have to change their tune or face months, if not years, of paid leave.
Too much paid leave and they might just get voted out of office for doing nothing. Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, I’m looking at you.
It doesn’t take a doctorate in American studies to see this is thought out really well. At first I was thinking, “Give them paintball guns,” but I realized you can freeze paintballs and no one likes getting welts all over his or her body.
Then again, nobody likes getting wet either, but you have to draw the line somewhere.
Of course, someone will have to foot the bill for all those water balloons, and that’s when I look to Uncle Sam. Considering all the money we spend building Hummers that don’t really work in Iraq, I think we can afford purchasing approximately 50 million water balloons.
Heck, I’ll bet right now the total price for the balloons will be less than that of the 2005 presidential inauguration, and I’ll put it in writing – oh wait, I just did.
So that’s my solution to the problem in the Middle East peace process. It should only take a few months for the two sides to sit down at the table long enough to form Israelistine, Pasrael or whatever they decide to call it.
Please send my Nobel Peace Prize to the offices of The Minnesota Daily. I’ll pick it up as soon as I remember where it’s located.
Oh, and it’s been eight years and I haven’t hit any pedestrians Ö yet.
Bobak Ha’Eri welcomes comments at [email protected].
