Net: You found us! …

Net: You found us! Congratulations, you have successfully navigated the classifieds and an endless series of mndaily.com advertisements and found the proverbial bowl of pot at the end of the rainbow! Funk this Á
BUSH WHACKIN’
From DOC: Rencito! What a wuss-bag! I come before you today, O Net, to preach against the necessity of “trimming the bush.” I’ll admit that I’ve often wished there was less hair on the old whisker biscuit. Net: Just fill your pants with wax and forcefully remove them as fast as possible. Problem solved! However, demanding pruning is a cop-out. Did Lewis and Clark travel only partway across the Louisiana Purchase because there were too many trees and bushes? Hell no! Of course, Clark went crazy afterwards, probably from lack of box to chow. At any rate, blaming your poor yodeling performances down in the valley on too much underbrush is a cop-out. Your success depends on you, not the bush. Later.

From Peahorn(that’s me): I am writing in regards to Rencito‘s preferred amounts of genital hair. I am writing because, in having a psychiatrist for a father, Net: We don’t even want to KNOW where this is going I realize that taking a liking to bald female genitalia harbors a secret preference to less than mature females. So, Rencito, I am sorry to tell you that you have an strange and twisted affinity toward the 4- to 14-year-old demographic segment of the female population. Net: Maybe he’s a 13-year-old PSEO student In being female, I do understand the need for keeping your bush under control — after all, who could possibly be attracted to a woman who looks as though she has Don King in a thigh lock (okay- I know that joke is as old as prostitution itself, but its the truth). So in closing, Net: These key words let the reader know that the conclusion is to follow I would just like to say that I prefer to keep mine at a happy medium, not too pubilicious, not too pre-pubescent. Shouts out to my girl K-POOP!

From razorfiend: Dearest RENCITO, Thought you might be happy to know that you’d find no “bush” down my pants. Smooth as a baby’s bottom, a la prepubescent girl. But do you have any idea how hard this is to manage? Net: No, Networkians, we will not be giving out his/her e-mail address Á
HAIKU RESIDUE
From IZNERZ: A few haiku from IZNERZ

I read for hours
Woe is me, I hate midterms
Nothing will sink in

Empty study carrels
I alone study tonight
Wilson Library

Hooray! Halloween
I’m dressed as a poor student
Party at a desk

How I want an ale
If only beer made me smart
I’d ace all my tests

Net: If beer made one smart
The collective would become
A frickin’ genius

From Drewy5: Hey Network! I must admit that “Haiku Day” on Tuesday was a success. I was skeptical that an entire Network devoted to haikus could be interesting. Net: You should see our columns devoted entirely to epic Latin poetry; those get crazy But I now understand the power of haikus. However, being the ever-popular socialite that I am, I have found something that’s all the rage among the kids these days, Net: That Intronut thing? and they’re even better than haikus! It’s limericks! That’s right, limericks are showing up at parties, meetings and religious gatherings all over the country. Net: That must be why we haven’t heard of it, we never get invited to any of those things So, to bring the trend to this campus, I decided to grace you with some limericks. They are all original, of course!

There once was a guy from I.T.
His grades were so bad he should flee.
But “Oh well” he said,
And then slept on his bed,
And decided to be fine with a D.

There once was a guy from C.L.A.
Who got a grade D and said “Yay!”
For A’s were not normal,
For this guy was informal,
And so he thought “The game Bond I should go play.”

There once was a guy who played hockey.
But his playing ability was quite rocky.
So he got himself a mullet,
And then he skated like a bullet,
And then his coach said “You’ve got moxy!”

From SuPErMeGaDonKEyPunCH: First, I must compliment Network on Friday’s random comment day. Labyrinth and Breakfast Club quotes = pure genius. Net: That’s because of all the beer Keep up the good work. Also, on Monday, the Wesley Willis haiku kicked ass. All I have to say is “Cut that Mullet!” Lucia did. Net: And we respect him so much less I know it’s belated, but I have some haiku to share. Net, your Wednesday haiku was my inspiration, after all, poetry and masturbation go together like pickles and, well, masturbation. Net: We’re afraid, we really are Á

Delightful Network
Reading you in the bathroom
My hands are sticky

O Masturbation
Endless hours of pleasure
Network = Orgasm

Reading my Network
I play with my vibrator
And reach ecstasy

Net: Our very first stalker! We’re so pleased Á