CAUTION: IRE AHEAD
Net: Well, well, well. Collective disgruntlement seems to have pervaded our readership. Hey — it makes for mail. Keep on sendin’:
From Girl With Something to Say:This is the FINAL STRAW: Net, you are really lame. First of all, thank you for the rules on “how to be a friendly Network user” in your Monday issue. Net: You’re welcome. (Note to readers: When someone is really upset and becomes sarcastic toward you, never acknowledge the sarcasm. Drives ’em nuts.) Secondly, Do you ever address any relevent topics anymore? Net: Have you read any Nets in the past three weeks? We’ve been up to our eyeballs in Saddam Hussein and Monica Lewinsky! The Frat argument isn’t even worth it anymore. Net: We agree. Find me an intelegent person in a frat Net: Find us an upset person who can spell to argue their side and then you have a debate. Also — if you waste one more tree by printing a letter about the stupid squirrels again, I vow to never read your section of the paper again.
This could be a great forum for student debate on relevent issues. Net: We assume you misspelled “relevant” to emphasize the vent aspect of your letter. Instead, it has turned into a joke. Net: Turned into!?!? It’s our founding principle!
Please, save Netscape before it is too late. Net: We certainly will do our best. STOP USING MICROSOFT EXPLORER!!!! There. Now, how ’bout saving us?
But seriously, we want you all to know that your suggestions are heeded and words taken seriously. And so, Girl With Something to Say, we dedicate to you our most recent letter about:
SQUIRRELS!!!!!
(We sure are asking for it today, aren’t we?)
From JFK Jr.: I saw this and had to think of Network — and lunch.
Mmmmmmm…
From, “Kentucky Doctors Warn Against a Regional Dish: Squirrel Brains,” by Sandra Blakeslee (New York Times, 8/29/97, p. A10):
“… Families that eat (squirrel) brains follow only certain rituals.
“Someone comes by the house with just the head of a squirrel,” Dr. Weisman said, “and gives it to the matriarch of the family. She shaves the fur off the top of the head and fries the head whole. The skull is cracked open at the dinner table and the brains are sucked out.” Net: Mmmmm … sounds like partial-birth abortion. Fetus, anyone? It is a gift-giving ritual. The second-most popular way to prepare squirrel brains is to scramble them in white gravy, he said, or to scramble them with eggs. In each case, the walnut-sized skull is cracked open and the brains are scooped out for cooking.
These practices are not a matter of poverty, Dr. Berger said. People of all income levels eat squirrel brains in rural Kentucky and parts of the South. …” Net: Almost makes the cold weather tolerable, doesn’t it? Thanks. You know, we don’t mind stealing bread from the mouths of decadence around here, but we’ll go hungry on this one.
FLAT AND TIRED
From Not Pamela: Dearest NITWIT — Two snippets of your curt commentary hurt me deeply, unearthing painful childhood memories of old cotton-balls Scotch taped under the bikini top floating out during swimming lessons, and my mean-spirited brother pointing them out to everyone: “Ironing Board” and your chatter about some guy getting freaked out during an “intimate encounter” with a Curves-Grrl. I think maybe you lost money on the Dow-Corning stock after that class-action was settled? Or you just have a flat sister you want to poke at Net: We shall refrain from incest jokes because she’s so much more brilliant than you?
For all us flat grrls out there — I say they just make clothes look that much better. And if anyone plans on dissing me when he discovers them during an intimate moment, I say watch out for the possibility of being cut by the jagged edge of a broken-hearted me. Net: Wow! Seriously, that was poetic. Quick — call Alanis Morrisette! Nobody should be so shallow as to use the term “ironing board” — even when shopping for one, thank you.
Public Service Announcement ##1
From The Colorado Kid: Hey all you network readers — just a reminder that the application deadline for the 1998 Homecoming Executive Committee is Feb. 27. Please seriously think about applying. You don’t need to be greek! I’m not. Net: Few Coloradans are. Colorado kids tend to be either Northern European in ancestry or Hispanic. Most of the 1997 Committee members were New Student Weekend Counselors and/or RAs. The Committee is a heckuva lot of fun and it can be a great resume builder Net: Aye — there’s the rub, especially for marketing and advertising majors. It’s a great way to get involved on campus and, most importantly, to have a say in how Homecoming is planned. Net: And if you thought U.N. negotiations with Iraq were important … If you haven’t liked some things in the past, apply and try to change it. You can pick up an application at 256 Coffman Union (the Campus Involvement Center), or try a Residence Hall.
Public Service Announcement ##2
From The Girl Under the Covers: Well, Vader, you got balls to ask a girl out like that in such a public forum. I’ll go out with you Net: Wow — it worked! This is amazing. The key to dating women, apparently, is asking them out. This is a new concept for us — you’ll have to excuse our amazement. Good luck, you two. Consider the addresses exchanged. But from here on out, you’ll have to work through Dr. Date, but I need a little e-mail play before I meet ya (safety, safety in these dangerous dating times). Net: Keep in touch.
