Net: Let the rippin…

Net: Let the rippings begin.
Our socially challenged IT friend, Party Dogg, has incited quite a furor in Networkia. His unprecedented claim that geeks party harder was met with vigorous disapproval. But then, that’s not too terribly surprising; everyone loves to pick on geeks — especially other geeks.
WE HATES DAT DAMN DOGG

To Party Dogg from The Asshole: I am that “asshole” you spoke of in your pathetic, whining Network writing on Friday.
Well, allow me to clarify the matter. First, I did attempt to get back in to talk to a girl (who I did have “sexual relations” with afterwards, thank you very much), Net: And we took a crap on Saturday. What’s your point? however, I categorically deny calling the police! Why would I? Not to mention that they were already walking up the driveway! Come on! Just because you are in IT doesn’t mean you don’t have any common — wait … check that, now I see why you would think I called the police. Net: Maybe because it said “Some asshole called in” on the police report, of which the geeks got a copy and hung it on the fridge because it would “look cool.” “Underage drinker calls police to the party he is at after they won’t let him back in to get his girlfriend.” Net: Whatta headline. You need a job? Yeah, that is a great idea; what was I thinking? Just because your party sucked ass and your pathetic “multikeg” system was confiscated doesn’t mean you have to blame somebody else. Net: We didn’t know it was confiscated. That makes Doggs letter even more pitiful. Ask anybody who was there, and they will say that it was, in fact, the worst party they’ve ever attended. How about one shot per 11 ounces of juice? Yeah, that’s a good deal, and if I wanted skunky Special Ex, I would go to a men’s softball league and drink the skunk out of the bottom of the cans in the garbage. Net: You’d have to fight off the softball players for that stuff. We hear they tear the can in two and siphon out the backwash before they throw it out. That s##!t was nasty — clearly the worst beer I have ever had, let alone paid $5 for. Net: Apparently you’ve never had “Hamm’s Ice.” Come on! I am not an “asshole,” I did not call the police, and I assure you, sir, that your party wasn’t even half of what you think it was. Net: You
TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE

know what they say about guys who overexaggerate the size of their parties.
To Party Dogg from T-Money: First of all, Party Puss, you are a bitch-ass loser. Net: Brief and to the point. Well said. Secondly, you sound like a freshman crying to your parents because you got busted by the po-po. Net: “Mommy! Mommy! I got busted by the po-po! Make me cookies! Send money! Do my laundry!”
Third, since you’re in a frat, you have to buy your friends, and those lil’ sluts at your parties don’t even like you. Can you say FREE BEER? Admit it, you don’t get laid at your parties. You don’t even like girls. Listen to how insecure you sound, Net: Spoken like a true expert on the topic. you piece of s##!t, and quit bragging like a little child about your wack Theta Tau parties. You, I and the whole campus know that your life sucks, but instead of crying all the time, grow up and do something with yourself. Net: Was it just us, or was there some serious overcompensation at work there?
WHO’S BEEN A BAD DOGG?

Thanks, Network; I don’t understand why you put these bitches in the paper. Net: So we can read your response, put it in the paper and expose you for the fool you are. Peace to all my riders out there.
To Party Dogg from Squeegee: Hey, Party Dogg, thanks for your help in perpetuating the ugly image of the greek system here on campus. Net: Yeah, Dogg. It’s all your fault. Every other greek establishment on campus has been squeaky clean for decades. But now, all because of your letter, you’ve pushed back the sincere efforts of well-meaning, fresh-faced little fraternity boys and sorority girls a good seven minutes — eight tops.
Did you hear that the
A MOMENT FOR REFLECTION

University turned over the University Avenue area
SPEAKING OF FRATS

to the Minneapolis police? Net: Why, no, Squeegee! Tell us more! Guess why? Bragging about busted parties makes everyone in fraternities look bad. I thought only high schoolers judged popularity by the number of cops at their houses.
From Sneaker:
Leaves fall, swirl around
much like students who went to
Theta Tau party
From Star of the Morning:
Network: you bore me
Whether fault be ours or yours,
It keeps on sucking

Winter is coming
Fellow students, hear my plea:
Just don’t leave me cold

I amuse myself
Not by reading the Network
But with dumb haikus

Net: Suck is relative;
Winter is underrated;
Dumb? We must agree.

Fall is here, and, though the weather yesterday was chilly, half-naked men still lined the base of each frat house, advertising their bodies. Watching them shiver and begin to lose their bearings, Net: They might not be lost, but at least they’re a bit shriveled. I was enjoying myself immensely. My good time was then interrupted by two morons in a car. The driver honked his horn while his passenger stuck his head out the window, leering and puckering his lips at me. Why do men do this? Net: Two words: 1) Hor, and 2) Mones. Do they actually think women find it flattering, or do they want to annoy the s##!t out of us? Or do they do it to bond with other males while attempting to secure their position at the top of the food chain? Readers, please explain this.