Net: We don’t know…

Net: We don’t know what you all did this weekend, but it’s pretty safe to say some of you were really, really out there (ya know, in Sheboygan). It was a weird weekend around the University, that’s for sure. Some nuts broke into a building on the St. Paul campus and “liberated” a bunch of seeds. So here’s the plan: Let’s break into that Death Star-type building and liberate the Memorial Stadium arch. What was Net up to last weekend? Scoping out, thank you very much.

Random rambling

From Slick Willy: Waaaazzzzaaahhhp. Net: Martin Lawrence? I hope this makes it to you, Net. Your “mailto” link was all messed up. Net: Yes, while our snazzy new digs are fun and such, our Web component has been, erm, slow to catch up. Just go to OK, so I’m sitting at the hockey game on Saturday night, watching the Gophers suck it up on the night that I have tickets instead of dominating like they did the night before. All of a sudden, the second intermission comes around and just as I’m about to get up to urin-8, a bunch of mini players come scootin’ onto the ice. Net: Michigan Tech showed up? Turns out they were the “mites” from Apple Valley and they were there to put on a “intermission show.” Net: Very “interesting.” So I decided to stick around and see what the little tykes could do. Holy Sh!t, Net, these guys were the most entertaining thing at intermission since they banned Goldy’s sled (*ssholes). They sure as hell beat any kind of cheerleader triple butz lutz or whatever the hell they try to do out there. Net: Our favorite cheerleader trick? Running up the stairs. Hut, hut, hut hut … And that ##88 … he’s better than some of the guys we’ve got on scholarship! So I’m calling out to whoever is in charge of the intermission entertainment: KEEP THE KIDS!! Net: Break into the Gateway alumni center! Steal the TVs in the floor! Eat their free food, but do not enjoy it! Everyone likes the kids, especially when we’re losin’. OKbye.

No pride

From Boozesoaked: Backtalk is now a forum for people to retrieve lost guitars?! Please! I lost my pride on the corner of University and 17th Street, so give me a paragraph, for chrissakes. We ordinarily don’t respond to this type of tripe, but the rest of the letters we got were probably written by professors buzzing on Nyquil. Carry on. So I got my bank statement back this week, and guess who felched me financially this week? Net: The porn barn? That parking lot on 18th and b-atch st. S.E. Apparently my check for $2.50 (yes, I wrote a check for parking) was a $7.50 windfall for the University. Do I have a case? While at a pornography-sensitive computer (your workplace, or in the University’s labs), go check out Net: [Insert final plug for here.] Several not-so-savory pages pop up, among others. Did Jewel have more rhinoplasty and a breast job? I think so. I’d rather play truth or dare with Dennis Rodman and a piercing gun. Net: Rather do that than what? Be Jewel? Have a breast job? Go to I’d rather have a tupperware party with Don Shelby and some skat. I’d rather let Mary Kay Letorneau and Andy Cunanan baby-sit my kids. I’d rather be C.J’s thighmaster. I’d rather be Marlon Brando’s proctologist. Net: We’d rather be with an animal. So anyway, the Star Tribune was apparently a finalist for top news Web site of the year. They can’t even get the temperature right half the time. Net: Not that Elmo’s an expert on that, either. So you can e-mail “Dumpster Mom Goes to Court” to a friend? When James Lileks is in the A section talking Net: That’s about all we could stand of this one. And so we move to our weirdest freakin’ letter of the week.

October revolution

From Roseythered: Welcome, comrades, to the University Soviet Republic! Net: Uh, this is Network. We find that alcohol is nonproductive for the proletariats. Therefore, from this day forward, all alcohol shall be banned from the Republic. We encourage our workers to make full use of the milk bars located in many locations in the Republic. Net: We also encourage you to drink heavily before writing into Network. Anyone reported associating with alcohol will be sent to the re-education camps and notices of their deviance will be sent to their family, friends and fellow workers. We are certain that together we will make the University Soviet Republic even better! Thank you, Comrades! Net: You’re welcome. We think that letter was sent in reference to this whole notifying-your-parents-if-you’re-stupid-enough-to-get-caught-drinking-in-the-dorms issue. But who are we to encroach with our judgment? After all, this is a public forum, which means it’s time for another freakin’ (and last one for awhile) PSA.

Another damn PSA

From Jimithing: Como estas Network? Net: Moi’ freakin’ bien, senor. I just wanted to inform the public of the Dinkytown area that I found a car key with a unique key chain attached to it. I found it Friday morning on 5th Street between 12th and 13th avenues. For a small handling fee, I will promptly return the key to its owner (you may give out my e-mail address). Net: Nah, why don’t the proper owners e-mail us for it. Thanks, and keep your unit on you! Net: Uh, yeah. No problem.

Witty Network repartee

To Kung Fu Joe from Xeniastar: You suck.

Net: Well, in keeping with the style of that incredibly blunt repartee, we wish a heartfelt Valentine to all our lovely Network readers. Especially Nasty McShasta, but especially Rolla. Piece out.