Dear Dr. Da…


Dear Dr. Date,
I have been dating a guy for two-and-a-half-years (sleeping with him for one year) and recently have felt like I am not good’ sexually. I dislike giving blow jobs and my boy just loves getting them. Sometimes I even feel like he prefers a blow job over sexual intercourse. If so, does it mean he does not like sex with me or I am not good at it? Is it bad if he sometimes prefers that? It makes it even harder for me when he asks me to give oral sex to him. What do you think?
-Feeling like a bad lover

About 10% of men definitely do prefer fellatio over intercourse. Why your man likes them so much isn’t exactly clear. You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do, but finding out why you don’t like blow jobs and he does would be educational for you.
First, let’s tackle the issue of tactile pleasure. The physical stimulation he receives during oral sex might not be present with intercourse, especially if he’s wearing a condom. The most sensitive areas of the penis are the front of the glands (head) and the foreskins or remnants thereof. Just as some women prefer cunnilingus because the clitoris finally gets some attention, your man may be getting the stimulation he wants from oral sex. Talking about what feels good when you fellate him will help you find other, more appealing ways to please him.
Power, a rather ugly issue, should also be considered. Normally I see nothing wrong with your boyfriend asking for oral sex, but it sounds as though you don’t enjoy it. Either you’re hiding your displeasure very well, or he may get a slight kick out of having you do something you don’t like. Your aversion could stem from his power play rather than the act itself. This gets into complicated areas that I’m certainly not qualified to handle, but a sex therapist would. Since you’ve invested so much time into this relationship, I’m hoping it’s great otherwise. It may be worth it to ferret out some of these psychological issues with a professional.
The enjoyment of sex is largely psychological. Other factors (like performance anxiety) could be hampering his fun. He may feel he is a lousy lover and since a blow job holds little responsibility he can enjoy it more than sex. Start talking positively about sex with each other.
Not to feed your insecurities, but one or both of you could actually be a bad lover. Simple thrusting sex comes naturally to people, but that’s a long way from being a great lover. Confidence, trust and sweet sensuality are all necessary elements to really heat up your bed. Read about what it means to be a good lover. Any big bookstore like Border’s will have dozens of books that can help you.

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