RIDE, CAPTAIN, RI…


RIDE, CAPTAIN, RIDE
From M. Schramm: This year for spring break, a friend and I are driving to Breckenridge, Colo. Net: How nice for you. We hope you don’t break anything. We are looking for a couple of people who want a ride o

ut there to split the cost of gas. Net: Yeah — and the cost of a bag, too, eh? Heh-heh. Where you stay and what you do when you get there is up to you, but we can get you there and back. Anyone who is interested can e-mail me at schr0125

tc.umn.edu. Thanks for the help Net. Net: No sweat. Any other spring breakers looking for rides or riders, the deadline for posting is today. Hey, we ain’t got all week, y’all.
APE MISBEHAVIN’
To Grimace from Monkey Lo
ver: How dare you, sir, discriminate against our loveable monkey friends. Net: That’s no way to talk to the president, Jack. I thought the ’60s civil rights movement would have opened your eyes to the fac

t that we are all people: monkeys and humans alike. Net: Yeah, and Jawas, too. Not Klingons. I suspect you had a traumatic experience with monkeys in the past, and you should seek help for it. Net: He saw “Planet of the Apes” enough

times to realize that Charlton Heston is a terrible actor. I suggest checking out “The Simpsons” episode where Marge has to get over her fear of flying for advice on how to begin. Net: Fear of flying monkeys? Now that’s scary.

I feel, as most Americans do, that monkeys, if properly dressed, should be allowed to go wherever they please. Net: The problem is that when monkeys go wherever they please, they tend to go wherever they please. For the love of God

, man — this is America. I hope when you see this guy next you’ll show him “Hail to the Chimp” before he kills you. Maybe it will lighten his mood. I’m sure monkeys across the nation love that film. Net: And California Republicans. I’ll

sign off by quoting a little Karl Marx: “Monkeys of the world, UNITE!!!”
WHOLE LOTTA LOVE

From Yngwie to Rob Plant: You disgrace the gods that make up Led Zeppelin with your handle. Neither Robert nor Jimmy would ever hesitate when it came to the fairer sex. Net: See: Red Snapper Incident. I

nstead, they would get up from that swirling toilet they had just puked in (damn mescaline!), clean up, and go after the women with gusto. None of this Cheez Whiz nonsense. Just get it on with Misha, baby! Enough of this. I must get on to writing my Holoc

aust paper (For or against? I am choosing the safe side and saying “against”). Namu Amida Butsu. Net: Did you ever find your keys, Yngwie? Just curious.

BATHROOM HUMOR

From Wings: I came across this little ditty in the women’s bathroom of a bar in Tacoma, Wash. The time frame was the early ’80s. In the name of academic honesty, I cannot claim authorship:
Those who write on bathroom walls, roll their s##!+ in little balls.
Those who read these lines of wit, eat these little balls of s##!+.

From Virgin: I have a great piece of bathroom graffiti for you, Network, and for your faithful readers. If anyone is interested in seeing the original (I insist that it wasn’t I who wrote it; I merely discovered it) it is located conspicu

ously above the furthest urinal in the first-floor men’s bathroom of the physics building. There at eye-level can be read the lyric words Poop Pendulum. I encourage all, men and women alike, to venture to the physics building and bask in

the light of this apotheosis of phrasing. Only in the physics building would the words poop and pendulum be combined in a phrase so utterly powerful, so full of depth and spiritual cleansing. But I must wonder if each bui

lding has its analog of the Poop Pendulum. Is their a Poop Petri Dish over in Kolthoff? Or perhaps a Poop Piccolo in the music building? If not, I hope that those of you reading this will spread the gospe

l of the Poop Pendulum so that everyone may be enlightened to its divine truth. Go in peace, my brothers and sisters, and may the Poop Pendulum bless you in all that you do.

From Ares: Here are some of my favorites: (Seen above the urinal): What are you looking up here for? Embarrassed? There has also been a pretty decent political conversation going in the s##!++er in the northeast corner of

the first floor of the electrical engineering/computer science building. First, I saw this one:
Here I sit
My cheeks a-flexin’
Giving birth
To another Texan.

Then there was the kicker on it (apparently the walls had just been painted):
You paint these walls
To cover my pen
But the s##!+house poet
Strikes again.

However, I’d like to know why it is that women still feel the need to go to the bathroom in wolf packs. Or does it simply appear that way, because it’s right between classes when I see this behavior.

From Cart Avenger: It has been my experience that guys, for the most part, are not as vain as gals. For instance, you have to notice that at large gatherings (state fairs, theme parks, etc.) that the lines for the women’s bathroom go clea

r out the door, and the line to the fellas’ restroom is always short. I think guys want to spend as little time in the bathroom as possible … at least in public bathrooms anyway. I mean look at most of us: We’re sloppy. If we do spend time primping, we

don’t do that good of a job. Personally, I’m glad I’m a guy for that very reason: the right to look like hell if I please. As for graffiti, last week I saw in a stall at the electrical engineering/computer science building at least Nixon resignedMD

NM with the response at least Clinton had sex, which I thought was funny. rock =w= music.