SCATOLOGY 101
From Smallbladder: Most esteemed friends in Network land Net: Normally we go for a broader audience than this, but OK, call it a tragically small bladder or just mere curiosity, but over my three years at this fine institution I have had the displeasure of being in almost every men’s room on campus and in the surrounding area, Net: Wow. We bet you get a lot of dates, and the consensus isn’t good.
What do the restaurant owners have in mind when they build their little holes? Obviously their minds were more preoccupied with cutting corners than serving the needs of biological functions. Take Goldy’s, for example. It’s a helluva fine restaurant and I’ve drank many a fine beer there (underage of course) but their absence of a lock on the stall door and the constant stench forces me to leave my seal intact as long as possible, though the glowing condoms for sale are quite cute.
But at least they have a door!!! The stall in the men’s room at Stub ‘n’ Herbs doesn’t even have a door, meaning you have to walk right in front of whoever is taking their constitution without a door to offer a shred of privacy or a pallet to create dirty limericks upon.
The bathroom at Annie’s has holes in the wall and a mystery door that leads to nowhere, and the finest eating establishment on this whole campus, Al’s Breakfast, doesn’t even have a bathroom. I tell you all that there is a bathroom conspiracy on this campus, and somewhere, perhaps in the grassy knoll by Northrop Mall, there lies a second bathroom unprecedented in luxury but only known to a select few and the Mall Preachers. Net: This has been a really nice tour. Have you ever considered travel writing?
Until this mystery john is discovered, I recommend using the bathrooms in Moos Tower, the basement of the Rec. Center (if you can handle walking through naked town), or inside the Radisson, they might not be the best bathrooms in the world, but they sure beat urinating into the trough at the Village Wok.

YUMMY

From WaDaFa: I’m sick and tired of eating this crappy food on this so-called big campus. Net: Is it the bigness that makes the quality surprising? If so, there are two easily accessible McDonald’s restaurants nearby, showing you the best of corporate America. I swear people, this university rips us off in so many ways, it makes me sick.
I mean, we pay all this money to go here and the U can’t even shell out some dough for some decent food. Net: Well, look at the balances. “Tenured prof, food. Tenured prof, food. Hmmm … ” Trust me, I have eaten at about every place there is here and they all SUCK. Net: Perhaps you need to look at the sunny side of life — or at least smell the lovely coffee from the Murphy Hall vending machines.
When I’m most hungry is when I’m on campus and running to my next class. I think that Taco Bell and Burger King should pop up all over campus like those damn TCF machines. Net: We’re really perplexed. What exactly DO you consider good food?
Fellow students, save yourself and stay away from all the cafeterias on campus — you’ll thank me, and most of all, you’ll thank yourself. Net: And McBurgerTacoBrueggersBell will thank you too. But trust us, your arteries won’t. It might be hard, but you’ll be healthier in the end.
It would be kick-ass if you studs at the “All Mighty Network” could print this — it would save a lot of lives out there. Net: Right. Attention, everyone — PAY NO ATTENTION TO WHAT THIS PERSON IS SAYING. THIS FAST FOOD FIXATION IS SICK, we tell you, SICK!!! But thanks for writing.