>Thank you for having me on. Now, before I begin, I would like to thank you, Network, and the good people of the Minnesota Daily, for having me here today. Now, I want to speak on the recent criticisms of Dr. Date in these pages. While I know that the argument that Dr. Date is a scummy holding pond for soul-crushingly obvious drivel is not without its merit, I want to get beyond the rhetoric and look at the real issues. Most of you out there don’t need a question such as, “I like this girl, she likes me, what should I do?” answered. Of course you know the answer, as do I: “Hit that NUTT and don’t call her back.” But there are people out there in Networkia who don’t have the advantages we have. They have grown up in an environment bereft of “friends”, with no knowledge of things like “sex” and “dating”. These people, and there are many of them, need help in order to realize the dream shared by all Americans: the dream of hot, nasty action. And while it might seem like this initiative is aimed purely at the D&D playing, Klingon speaking, overweight nonbathers of the IT sector, it’s not. Other people need our help, too. For example, Darren Bernard, an opinion columnist for this august publication- Mr. Bernard came to me the other day, at one of my events, and he asked me “Mordred, how can I get laid? I have my own newspaper column, a strange haircut and an entire book of Karl Rove’s talking points, but I can’t seem to pull any ass. How do you, candidate Mordred, intend to help me? Do you have an answer, or are you just another cheese-eating, wine-drinking pantywaist Marxist butt-buddy of Ted Kennedy?” And I’ll tell you that I told him, Networkia, I’ll tell you right here exactly what I said. I said I have a plan, Darren. I have a plan to make America looser. I have a plan to increase the amount of ass being pulled, tapped and gotten on this campus by 15 percent over the next four years, while at the same time reducing our dependence on foreign brew by over 12%. I have a plan that will benefit all Americans, not just a select few fraternity boys and sorority girls. My plan involves a number of initiatives to try and get America laid. One of these initiatives is Doctor Date, who represents a very important program for the socially inept, the fat, and the home schooled. Did you know that before Doctor Date, it took almost 7 years after entering college for the members of the Campus Christians to discover the clitoris? The Male members took even longer, decades of ignorance suffered before this discovery, so long, in fact, that at the current rate, some of them will never make this crucial discovery. This is wrong, America, and I have a plan to change this. I have a plan to fill the night air with the stench of tuna and the grunts and gasps of spirited copulation. I have a plan for a better America, and I am here tonight to ask you for your support. Thank you and god bless. Net: You’ve got our vote, Mordred.
I read your column everyday before class and find it very enjoyable. I am however very disappointed with Dr. Date’s answers; not only does the vocabulary used resemble that of a typical no-nothing “automaton droid”, anything philosophical or intelligible cannot be found within Date’s dry responses, which is quite a disappointment for someone who says they have attended medical school.
Also a person who believes guys and girls can’t be friends without one crushing on the other is someone with a high sex-induced fixation. I am not saying Dr. Date is a moronic, ignorant fool or anything just that integrity is seriously lacking within the column. Net: Thank you for not saying that Dr. Date is a moronic, ignorant fool. We know Dr. Date appreciates your restraint.