Net: So, we all seem to be settling into our comfort zones, angst-ridden though they may be. Academic year 1999-2000 is in full swing at home and around the country, and here we are, waiting for a bonfire-slash-book burning to commemorate Homecoming.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
From Picasso Girl: So Net, I have a teensy complaint Net: It’s not the size of the complaint, it’s the motion of the ocean. Or something like that, and I was hoping you and your cronies at the Daily could help me out. What is with the Daily being distributed so late in the day? Net: OK, time to dim the lights and get mellow. Distribution has been a major problem so far this year. The Daily recently hooked up with a new distributor, and they have yet to get the gist, you dig? As you might expect, however, Net is all over it. Fear not, li’l ones, for ye shall have yer Daily — on time — soon enough. All week I have been looking for the paper at about 8:30 a.m., on either the West Bank or the St. Paul campus, but there are none to be found. I realize that both places pretty much suck, but I remember back before all this semester “Screw-U 2000” Net: Actually, that program was scrapped under the Hasselmo administration. The funny little Swede figgered switching classrooms the morning of the first day of the semester would add insult to injury, and to him we tip our collective cap. crap I could grab a paper on the way to my morning classes. They were all distributed by 7 a.m.! Now all I’m getting is the previous day’s leftovers — if there is any paper at all. Net: Now you know how we feel when the spouse chucks a bowl of day-old bacon spaghetti on the TV table.
Today I even saw in Anderson Hall there were leftover “Fall Preview” editions! I have class at 9:30! Net — what do you expect me to do in class if I don’t have a crossword puzzle and some of your delightful ranting to read over? Net: To decry our carefully worded monologues as mere “ranting” is to sully our very name. Shame upon you. Listen to lecture?! That is out of the question — If I did that I might actually learn something that could help me put my degree to good use. I need you to survive! Net: Actually, yes, you do. We’re like really, really good episodes of “Maude.” Can’t live without ’em. It’s bad enough that 1) In the last semester before I graduate Net: That’s what they’d have you believe, I have to take all my classes in St. Paul, 2) That the “new and improved” registration system was created by squirrel raping Nazis, Net: What, you don’t like the fact you have to jump through more hoops than a friggin’ circus poodle to sign up for a gawd-awful comp class? and 3) We have to go to an extra month of class! If I don’t get my morning dose of Daily, I could seriously lose it here. Net: Rejected slogan for the Daily, intended to replace “Great for wrapping fish”: The Minnesota Daily — Better Than Crack. I need something to occupy my time while I am waiting in line at Fraser because the Screw-U 2000 plan thinks I need someone to hold my hand when I add or drop a class, or because the wonderful new registration is FUBAR. Net: Indeed, but at least it’s no SNAFU. I hope that this slow delivery of the Daily is merely an oversight, and not part of the U2000 conspiracy to keep us all here longer. Net: In case you didn’t know, one must carry a minimum credit load in order to work at the Daily. We wanna get the hell out, too. Thanks for listening.
RADIO KILLED THE
NICKELODEON STAR
From Billy Baroo: Has anyone around here noticed the sad state of radio affairs in the Twin Cities? Net: Actually, no … we’ve spent the last six weeks in a soundproof room listening to The Jets. I am a 22-year-old college kid, yet I feel like a yuppie schmuck because I spend a majority of my radio time listening to MPR and the jazz station. Net: Funny … we spend a majority of our time looking at porn. This is seriously becoming a problem, Net: We heard that! KDWB has made an appearance on my presets for the first time in six years! Here is a quick list of certain stations and why they suck, I will not put in anything that they could do to improve because I think that constructive criticism is the work of the devil. KQ: Two words: Steely Dan. Net: They call Minnesota the Maroon Tide; Call us bored stiff. 93X: I just plain stopped listening when they went to a hard rock format. KS95 and Cities 97: These stations are the same and they suck. Well, at least they don’t play “Closing Time” every five minutes anymore. Net: Agreed. We need more Jewel. 100.3: This station seemed to have potential at first Net: Much in the same way that certain class has the potential to hold your attention at the beginning of the semester. But two weeks later your head is bobbing and your chest is covered with drool, but then again I can only listen to “Brown Sugar” by the Stones three times every two hours and I really like “Hey Jude” and I had to hear about it for a month and I still haven’t heard it yet. Net: Buy the CD, jerkpants. 104.1: Also, another station that started strong, but once again I got me a nice set of blue balls, chick rock and not even good chick rock like Poe or Janis. Net: Chick rock begins and ends with Jennifer Warnes, as in “Up Where We Belong.” Pure musical bliss. 105.1.3.7: I think this station sucks, but I can’t ever get it tuned in long enough to figure out why. Net: They must have run out of Dilithium crystals for the transponder. So, if anyone out there in Networkia can clue me in on some decent stations, please do. Net: If you’re looking to catch a groove, which we can only assume you are, you must get hip to Freddie Bell’s dulcet tones. We don’t do advertisements, but we will say it’s all about soul with a hint of solid Au. Oh, by the way, I think Buoyant in CSOM is a not-too-cleverly disguised employee of those annoying online textbook companies. Net: Closed circuit to Buoy–toy: The ball is in your court, and a volley seems in order. I was literally given six superballs Net: Oh … so this is where you got the blue balls? on Tuesday; these people are more annoying than those two Mormons who are always trying to save my soul, damn churchies! Net: The only things more annoying than churchies are those slack-jawed yokels who dressed up as Darth Maul to go see the new “Star Wars” movie. We felt dirty in their presence.
