Network: DubsForever; RiseUpGophers; Panchomill

>From DubsForever

I would like to second MethPhallanx‘s idea for more haiku’s. It’s more fun reading haiku’s then the whining of CLA’ers and IT’ers…Can’t you people ever get along? Plus, St. Paul is the best campus anyways. That’s where all the HOT people are. For real, yo. Net: We dunno about that. The nubility index in Blegen is always in the 99th percentile. Anywho, below I write in memory of my one true love, DUB’s:

 

Dubs no longer here

No one recognizes class

Blarney’s kiss my ass

 

Dubs was a great bar

My haven away from hell

School and Blarney’s suck

 

Put on some clothes hos

Where is your self-worth and class

Make your mama’s proud

 

Too much drama here

Dubs created peace and joy

Oh well so does beer

 

I love Dub’s forever and always…here’s to all my drunken memories! Peace. Net: We can’t think of an analogy that conveys our ambivalence about this subject.

From RiseUpGophers

Hey Net, long time reader, first time writer here. I finally decided to write in after the moron Go Blue graced our pages. I walk around campus everyday, watching as people walk past with wisconsin, michigan, and iowa apparel on. I don’t say anything, hoping that they at least catch my glare and bad vibes. Net: That’s wise. Most of them only respond to grunting and pheromones. But when a michigan fan writes in to Network, I know that it is time to take a stand. For you U students who are fans of other college teams, I say go to hell. Or at least go to the school that you cheer for, because we sure as hell don’t want you here. And as for the Gopher fans sitting back and relaxing, it is time to RISE UP! When we must endure the company of a BADger, a wolverine, a hawkeye, or any other supremely inferior animal we must supply a truly hostile environment and enough insults to make them uncomfortable enough to leave. I know that I am not the only one who feels like this. So Gophers, lets start a revolution and support our players. The least we can do is to make sure opponents feel insecure and alone. By the way, Net, how do you feel about that Dr. Date coming into your territory? Net: Better Dr. Date than some lousy Badgers fan.

From Panchomill

Hey Net, long-time listener; first-time caller. I was all ready to fire this little missive off when I discovered that the Daily’s website doesn’t have a handy e-mail link for you anymore. I mean, I know the address and all, but I would’ve thought that a technologically superior entity such as yourself would be able to retain the little things that make the modern age so wonderful. Net: Like LRAD? (Speaking of which, where’s those rocket cars that were supposed to be popping up right about now?) Anyway, I was reminiscing about my halcyon HS days and remembered a discussion about the mysterious origins of the term ‘hella.’ Amazingly, this preceded its recent and more powerful resurgence. Wondering how a seemingly meaningless word could gain such prominence, we experimented to see if similarly constructed slang (i.e. ‘bitcho,’ adj. 1. Extending beyond the norm: That test was bitcho hard, bro.) would stick. It didn’t. However, could the collective power of Networkia generate something better and finally prove that Midwest Cool is much cooler than California Cool? I think it could. Net: We like saying ‘hella’ cause it annoys the folks in Ice City.