Net: In interests of fairness and equal time for all, we offer today’s letters:
PEEWEE SPEAKS!
From Peewee: Oh most glorious and esteemed Network, it seems my manifesto has come under attack. I realize you have declared a moratorium on fraternity letters, but I ask that you print this so I may adequately defend myself against Finlander and his accusations, lest my reputation be damaged beyond total repair. Net: Permission granted. Be brief and to the point, embattled young friend.
On the question of whether my letter was plagiarized let me say: yes and no. Net: You have a future in politics, grasshopper. About four months ago I received an e-mail from a frat boy friend in Madison. He sent me a rough outline of the letter, which I submitted for your contest. I proceeded, with assistance from several of my brothers, to rewrite, reorganize and edit this letter.
Yes, I borrowed the format (i.e. the constant repetition) and some of the stereotypes contained within. BUT I also contributed many new, original ones which were not circulating with the original mailing list. I also made it more organized and succinct in an attempt to maximize both the stereotypical and humorous qualities contained within.
The charge that I copied it word for word is false. You just assumed, Finlander, Net: And, of course, to assume is to make an ASS out of the U and ME — good thing we’re plural around here without first actually comparing the two letters.
But, for the sake of argument, let’s say I did completely plagiarize it. WHO CARES!?! Net: That would be the academic affairs folks. The damn thing is still funny and worth sharing with the entire University community. And, Finlander, don’t feed me that crap about how we in the greek system are hurting our image when we participate in contests like this one. Even if we frat boys found a cure for AIDS while working in a soup kitchen Net: So THAT’S the mystery meat!, there would still be people who dislike, nay, even hate us. No amount of PR and “Why Greeks Are Great” statistics will ever change that. Net: But — but — the FORTUNE 500!
Furthermore, Finlander, your whiny, bitchy letter enforced the greek stereotype infinitely more than my obviously joking entry did. When you crybabies in the greek system write in to complain about how unfair these lampoons are, we all look like a bunch of humorless SOB’s who can’t take a joke. The contest to stereotype greeks would have gone on regardless of my entry. At least my submission showed the University community that SOME OF US in the greek system are not so uptight and priggish that we can’t laugh at ourselves every now and then.
The stereotypes are out there, whether we like it or not. We might as well lighten up and have a little fun with it ’cause they ain’t gonna go away anytime soon. Besides, I am happy and secure in my frat. I know who I am, why I joined and why I think fraternities are important. I don’t give a GOD DAMN whether or not every Johnny Random out there approves of me and my choices in life, and neither should you, Finlander. Let them think what they want. We know the truth. Peace out! Net: Bravo!! Our hearts are warmed, and our minds tuned. We approve of your words, and it is an honor to have you with us, Peewee. However, the charge of plagiarism is a serious one, and it is one that, ultimately, you have admitted to.
While we do not feel removal from these pages is appropriate, as this does not appear to be a “high crime and misdemeanor,” we feel a need to publicly deplore your action. Perhaps we could order you to stand on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives to receive an official. Nah — you’d have to wait in line. Let’s try this. You, Peewee, are hereby BANNED FROM OUR FORUM FOR ONE YEAR. This action begins IMMEDIATELY, with your sentence starting retroactive to November 21, 1997.
That’s right, 1997. Take care. And enjoy your day, Peewee. You’re helping us enjoy ours.

Net: Please remember this as you go forth to another weekend of reflection and quiet self-examination.

HOLIDAY!
From The Baron of FC: As I’m sure everyone remembers, in mid-October there was a big fuss around the University over the celebration of Columbus Day. Apparently, lots of people were really upset that Columbus, who killed many a native in his pillaging of America, was being celebrated.
I also disapprove of the celebration of Columbus Day, not because of his awful misdeeds, which are reason enough, but because of his false title of “Discoverer of America.” I’m sure most readers have heard the same idea people who claim Leif Ericson discovered America. They also are wrong.
In fact, a little-known Norwegian by the name of Bjarni Hjergulfson was the first European to see America. In approximately 985 A.D., Bjarni’s boat, headed for Greenland, was blown off course by a terrible storm. When the storm had settled they were off the Labrador coast. Realizing this wasn’t Greenland, they turned back to the northeast and sailed to Greenland.
Several years later, one Leif Ericson asked Bjarni about the adventure and then proceeded to set up three colonies in North America.
However, of the two historical Viking documents about the discovery of America, the generally accepted, more reliable document cites Bjarni as having seen America first. Both include Leif Ericson, but the less reliable ignore Bjarni’s miraculous discovery.
In tribute to Bjarni, the International Bjarni Hjergulfson Day Council in 1996 declared Nov. 21 to be Bjarni Hjergulfson Day. Bjarni Day is to be celebrated by wearing stickers which state “We Love Bjarni!!”
Sadly, due to funding difficulties, the Council has not been able to make “stickers.” Instead, they are small slips of paper with tape behind them. However, they are still really cool. So advertise Bjarni Day by wearing these stickers. Stickers can be obtained by contacting your Area Bjarni Day Adviser as listed below.
Your Area Bjarni Day Adviser is:
Richard Pennertz
[email protected]