Yudof ignores computer problems, buys snacks

by I.M. Ghered

University President Mark Yudof is kicking himself as students spend their last days running wild with their financial-aid checks at bars and brothels in anticipation of the world’s end.
After handing out millions of degrees, the University is closing its doors to make way for Armageddon. Following a psychic’s advice, Yudof did not prepare for the computer failure that government officials have been spouting about for three years now.
Instead, Yudof spent the University’s $119 million legislative allocation, plus $72.68 borrowed from Twins owner Carl Pohlad, to stockpile food like a rabid University squirrel during the past 12 months.
“Where did I go wrong?” Yudof moaned at the December’s Board of Regents meeting. “I mean, the psychic told me to stock up and our computers would be fine. She said it was all a government conspiracy.”
Regents chairwoman Patricia Spence tried to console Yudof after one spectator hurled a chair during Yudof’s remarks.
“You f*@king idiot,” the woman yelled, as she hurled the metal-framed chair through the air. “How the hell did you become a lawyer?!?”
Other regents broke down during the meeting.
“Why didn’t we fire his a$$ when he said he got this idea while wearing tights at the Ren Fest?” one regent asked himself.
Others took stock in Yudof’s advice and filled their pantries.
Spence said she went to Joe’s Market on her way home from the meeting and bought out its supply of Fritos.
“What else can I do?” she said. “Even if the end of the world comes, I’m gonna have a hankerin’ for Fritos.”
Rather than heeding experts’ advice, Yudof visited a palm reader at the Renaissance Festival in August 1998 who told him to stockpile food for the end of the world. While other universities revamped their computer systems to prepare for possible failure, Yudof raided nearby Rainbow, Cub and Jubilee Foods on a weekly basis.
The end of the world is expected when computer systems — such as the unprepared University’s — malfunction from the deadly Y2K virus, putting pressure on the remaining systems, and then blowing up. The combustion will be so powerful it will have the effect of a nuclear winter and kill everything on the planet as well as all Pok√ámon collectibles.
For the three who watched it, students are advised to prepare for Armageddon just like NBC’s “Y2K: The Movie,” shown in November. The producers were in on the conspiracy.
Loading up on food containing unhealthy amounts of preservatives so they will last through the impending apocalypse, Yudof bought record amounts of Twinkies, frozen meals, candy bars, potato chips and Slim Jims.
“So I put on a few pounds,” Yudof chuckled about his choice of foods last July. “It’s the end of the world! Judy won’t notice.
“And as an added plus, if we survive, I’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records!”
As the Commodore 64s sit in University computer labs foreshadowing the impending doom, stockpiles of Heinz 57 sauce, frozen fish sticks and tequila still remain in the basement of Morrill Hall, waiting to be moved to Eastcliff or rationed out to needy students.
Yudof said he will spend New Year’s Eve in the tunnels underneath Eastcliff, organizing his stockpile of food and kicking himself for paying Clem Haskins $1.5 million, money that could have been spent on more cocoa puffs and frozen corn dogs.

I.M. Ghered covers anything labeled “hot” and welcomes comments at [email protected]