Net: We had ourselves one doozy of an idea Thursday morn — after we cursed the appearance of snow mere hours removed from the balmy conditions of earlier in the week, that is — for a contest. Expanding the reach of Network, you know? Giving back to the community, interacting with the people, spreading the word of Networkian Love. All that BS.
Anywho, here’s the deal. We’ve exposed you to the wonders of Aerosmith and misdirected clippers with mulletsgalore.com. We’ve led you down the path to eternal, fiery damnation with jesusdance.com. And now it’s your chance to return the favor(s).
We’re looking for the weirdest, mind-numbing-est, goofball-est, what-in-the-name-of-all-that’s-decent-and-holiest, score-us-some-of-whatever-they’re-on-est Web site in all of Dubya-Dubya-Dubya-land.
We want a site that has us scratching our head until our skull is scratched raw and we’re contemplating a comb-over. We want to find a truly absurd site — not necessarily perverse or disgusting, mind you, but rather excessively confounding to the point where we question the sanity (and amount of free time) of its authors.
And here’s the capper: The winner gets FIVE FREE PIZZAS at a local ‘ria of our choosing. You’ve got until THURSDAY, MARCH 16, to get in your entries. We’ll provide some updates as the karavan of kookiness rolls along, but the creamy de la creamier won’t be revealed until March 17.
And no porn, please. We’re more than familiar with all o’ those. Good luck, Godspeed and Good Surfing.
TUNE IN TOKYO
From Redhorse: Yar! Net: Right back at ‘cha, baby. You were wondering about what exactly “assy nipple” was. Net: To be honest, we were trying to suppress that memory … Actually, it’s a very serious medical condition in females resulting from a viral infection of the mammary gland. Advanced symptoms of the disease include lesions on the nipple and a yellow-brown discharge (the slang term “assy nipple” must derive from these symptoms). Net: And here we thought it was just lame Jerky-speak. Sadly, there is no cure for this condition. There are, however, preventative measures. Net: Suckling. Lots and lots of suckling. That and a mustard plaster will cure just about anything that ails ya. If you think you are at risk for this disease, I can examine you free of charge. Risk factors include being a hot chick, being easy and having big boobs. Net: Gullibility is also preferred. In conclusion, I’d like to say: F&@K. Net: Sorry, folks. We’re back to pre-washing your mouths out with soap. Thank you.

TO FARM IS TO LOVE
From Sweets: After reading Nasty McShasty‘s entry to the Net on Monday about Farmhouse fraternity, I was again reminded of how ignorant and immature many of the students at this University are. Net: Hey! You’re dissin’ our peeps here! Network is where ignorance and immaturity reign! I, too, am on the St. Paul campus every day, and I enjoy the friendliness of the people here. I forget there are a large number of people at this University who have a “large peanut in their turd” as Nasty McShasty has so nicely put it. Net: It’s the food. Aramark makes one Nasty McShasty of a meatloaf, ifyouknowwhatwemean. These people are not mature and decent enough to respect the differences that occur among people. I think it’s great that members of Farmhouse fraternity are mature and open-minded enough to accept people Net: and farm animals for who they are and not what they look like. I, too, would hate to be Nasty McShasty‘s girlfriend. Net: So would we, but then we wouldn’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend. It reminds us of that time we spent in prison …

UNDIES IN A BUNCH
From GrohlGrrl: Hey, Net, darling, Net: Yes, love? I have my say to add to the discussion on panties (it’s not every day you get to type that). I tried something new recently that changed my life: BOXERS!!!! Net: NO!!! Yes!!! Net: OH!!! I’m only one step away from commando, Net: Yes, but aren’t we all? and I feel as free as an uncaged lab rat (with a better chance of survival). Net: That all depends on which frat you frequent. Guys should not get to have all the relaxation when it comes to underwear! Sure, they are not as sexy as my thongs or lacy as my briefs, Net: We must disagree: Women and boxers are an excellent combo (so long as its not biggie-sized) I’ll just consider it another day in my undie rotation. There is a time for everything! Buy some boxers, ladies, and thanks for letting my spray my opinion! Net: Let’s leave the spray out of the discussion.

PAY UP
To the educated masses from 4.0: Net: Who you callin’ edumacated? So, my allegedly enlightened colleague and I were spending another 50 minutes in the hellish dungeon otherwise known as 1701 University Avenue, enjoying another fascinating lecture by the Gutturally Unintelligible Professor. Net: What, no personal pronouns? Pray tell, we must get a name and embarrass the hell out of said GUP — all in the name of fun, as far as he knows. Unfortunately, the fascination left after we discovered there was not a crossword puzzle within stealing distance. Net: Why steal that which is free? (Unless it’s those little PokÇmon cards they give away at Burger King.) Evidently, we are not quite clever enough to fully enjoy raw, uninterrupted computer nerdspeak, so we fell to wagering. Being supremely confident in my abilities, I proposed a bet: X dollars if I were to “ace” the next exam. Net: This is a public university, for chrissakes. We’d take that action. He agreed. Not five seconds later, the sneaky devil reneged! Something to the effect of ‘ace’ means perfect score, right?” Consequently, the bet was nullified. Which brings me to my question. All my life I thought ace meant to get an “A.” Evidently, he thought differently, and I lost out on X easy bucks!! So which is it? Net: An ace in golf is a hole-in-one: a perfect shot. An ace in tennis is an unreturnable, i.e., perfectly-placed serve. But on the other hand, the aural similarities between “A” and “ace” imply a connection, and we all know an “A” in academia does not necessarily require perfection. So you’re both right.
You can make the check out to Net, c/o The Minnesota Daily, yadda yadda yadda.