Net: Welcome back -…

Net: Welcome back — we hope your King Day observances were meaningful and warm — ‘CAUSE NOW IT’S OVER, AND YOU’RE BACK WITH US! We have much to catch up on, and we’ll deal with the backlog as best we can. If your entry isn’t printed right away, be patient — we’ll do our best to get it in.
And have a nice day. In the spirit of the pursuit of happiness, we have …

From Lil’ Snow Monkey: I would just like to take this opportunity to say “thank you” to all the wonderful Campus Connector bus drivers. Net: Note to readers — you are probably expecting this letter to turn cynical. It doesn’t. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. You see, I have an 8 o’clock class over on the St.Paul campus, and getting my little tush out of my warm bed to stand out in the cold isn’t always in by best interest. Net: Sure it is. It builds Minnesota street cred. However, when I step into the warm, toasty atmosphere of the Campus Connector, I am more often than not greeted with a big-hearted smile from the bus driver.
After I find a seat in the back of the bus, (and after I check out any cute men who may be around me,) I set off into my own little tropical island of a world until I reach the St.Paul campus. I gather my things together and prepare to exit the bus when I hear, “Have a good day. Stay warm!”
You know, life really isn’t all that bad. Net: Exactly. If only more of us shared your sunny sentiments. Thank you for brightening our day.
Hey kids — here’s another helpful

From Litilus Dudimus, Secret Agent: From my special agent training, I learned to use a metal garbage can lid to get free (or discounted) parking inside U parking ramps.
Parafuntionally speaking, waving a metal garbage can lid in front of the ticket spitter will trigger it.
Just park in the ramp (all day!) and when you’re ready to leave, come in through the entrance and wave your handy garbage can lid (I keep mine in my backpack) in front of the spitter to get a fresh ticket.
Drive out and give the attendant the fresh ticket, and pay for only 5 minutes of parking. Often, one can find a garbage can lid inside the ramp. They keep those there for litter garbage purposes. Net: And if the parking attendant figures out what you’re doing, you can use the lid as a shield as you pull out your 18-inch scabbard and HWUH!
From Filmboy: Did you guys see Dr. Date’s article about bestiality and zoophilia in last Wednesday’s Daily? Net: We don’t know. Where’s Dr. Date in the Daily? SEVENTEEN freaking percent of “farm boys” admit to having sex with some sort of domesticated animal! First off, that’s a large number Net: In fact, it’s about the same percentage as the number of left-handed people in the general population. Hmmmm … Secondly, they ADMIT to it! Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!! Net: What — you’d rather keep them in a closet of sexual repression? What kind of sicko are you?
Kind of makes you wonder about initiation ceremonies at the Farmhouse Fraternity on the St. Paul campus, eh? Net: We all know about them. They all ransack garbage cans, pull out their 18-inch scabbards and …

From Bummed: I was wondering if you could help me solve a pet peeve. Net: We never help with pet peeves. But we often print them. Why is it that when you show up for the first day of class, some (most) professors have already assigned you to read something like 3 chapters!? Net: It’s called the quarter system. Even if you have the books before classes begin, you don’t have a syllabus, so you don’t know what to read! Net: The introduction and first chapter are safe choices. It’s really irritating and frustrating to show up for class only to learn that you have 2 weeks worth of homework for the second class meeting. Why, why, why, why, why?! Do they just not get it? Net: OK, Bummed, we’re going to let you in on something. You see, those syllabi aren’t for everyone. They’re specifically produced to foster a sense of futility within you, and only you. We express great glee that it’s working. You may find this difficult to believe, but remember, as the mighty K.C. once said, “Just because you’re paranoid don’t mean they’re not after you.” Carry on.

From Soulcrusher: I used to be a student there but am no longer — but I read you guys over the Net. Net: We try to be a lifeline for students suffering from U withdrawal. Hey — we’re cheaper than Methadone. While I was there I learned many things but I also did not learn many things. (Like the proper use of comas.) Net: We assume you didn’t learn spelling either, but if that’s not the case, the proper use of a coma is to keep administrators quiet. Anyway, I was reading Net: Ah-ha! No wonder you’re no longer at the U and in this book there was a phrase written in Latin, which unfortunately was another thing I did no learn at the “U.” (I do know how to use the ” ” thingies. Well, on my keyboard anyway.) So as I was saying I am lookin’ for someone who is much smarter than I. Net: Socrates did the same thing, and he couldn’t do it. Of course, that upset the Athenians, and he ended up dying a painful, drug-induced death, much like Jimi Hendrix. We hope you have better luck. The phrase is “UVA UVAM VIVENDO VARIA FIT.” I think it is supposed to be funny, at least when you consider it was hung outside a livery business in the old West (Texas).
I implore you to help me in my continuing quest for knowledge. Give my earlier trip down the maroon and gold brick road some meaning. Net: Come on, Netheads! Any Latin scholars out there who can help? That’s why we’re here. So until then … peace out and word up.