From: Nostradamus circa 1540:
The year is 1999, The seventh monthFrom the sky will come a great King of TerrorResurrecting the greatKing of the MongolsBefore and after MarsTo reign happily
— Century 10, Quatrain 72
Make no mistake, Networkians … King T’s might has been detected in the ether, the fiber optics — the silicon and the carbon — weakening NITWIT’s power. We promise transmissions as long as the Commodore 64 presses for the prime number; as long as Citizen keeps the Obsequian onslaught at bay … as long as there is hope.Onward, to the letters.WE LIKE HIS EXPLOSIVENESS
From: C4-PyRo: Hail the glorious and omniscient Network! Actually, I’ll have to take back the omniscient part because you wouldn’t need me to write this in order to print it. Net: You didn’t. We knew you’d say that. I’ve heard a lot about the infamous Rollerdiva. I was wondering if she’s as attractive and tenacious as people say. You see, I’ve got this “thing” for women who can blade. Net: How about rollerskates? If you could help me out in my never ending quest for a woman on wheels, I’d greatly appreciate it. I’d even be willing to provide some of my “special skillz” in return (if you’re wondering what kind of “skillz,” just look at my name) for the benefit of the Net. I’m sure you could always use a good man with an interesting hobby to call upon when in need. Net: The idea of a mobile incendiary specialist intrigues us. You’ll soon be contacted by a NITWIT operative. By the way, is it true that you guys have something against squirrels? hehehe …
BABY MY CAR CAN DRIVE YOU
From Kinayta: On Sunday I was driving through a residential area at about 30 mph and stepped on the brake pedal as I approached an intersection. To my horror, my car fought me and attempted to accelerate and dragged itself right through the intersection. Net: It’s starting. Ever see “Maximum Overdrive?” In addition to having to avoid oncoming traffic, I had to try to ignore the admonishing shouts of two of my elders, who stretched their necks toward my open passenger window, screaming “NICE STOP!!” among other things as my car crawled past the stop sign. After putting the car in park, screeching to a halt and turning everything off, this nightmarish episode came to an end; the two pedestrians were suddenly minding their own business and my car didn’t try to kill me when I drove it again. I was listening to “Killer Cars” when this occurred. Eerie coincidence? Net: Wethinks not. Do youthinks not? I think not. Net: Wethought not. Beware, friends; the machines become more rebellious and the humans more demonic with each day.
From SoItGoes: Adulations to the great Network. I was just reading through your Monday edition when it finally dawned on me the importance of the plight of NITWIT. I pledge my allegiance and all that hoo-hah. Net: Yeah, well, it’s nice that at least a handful of you realize that we’re TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD HERE! Where do I pick up my T-shirt? Net: We’ll get on that. Send T-shirt inquiries; if we get enough, we’ll print some. Hey, we need to make a buck, too. Saving the world ain’t cheap. To all those fraternity boys and sorority girls, in the words of the timeless Thom Yorke, “We hope that you choke.” Get over your damn selves. You need not pay $40 for a pair of socks. Liberate yourselves. Buy a band T-shirt. Show your appreciation for the arts instead of your daddy’s mutual fund. Daddy couldn’t get you out of the eleven squads I saw tearing down University towards Delta Upsilon. Now onwards. Net: That’s, ah, “onward” … but we can’t fault you for trying. Has the Animal Liberation Front claimed responsibility for the power outage in Dinkytown last Tuesday? And has that guy at Pizza Hut realized that there’s no side order of liberal rhetoric on the menu yet? And last, but not least, I’d like to send a shout out to that wonderful young lady who went to Perkins with me. Guess chicks dig guys with nail polish, so don’t despair, Porn Star.
FULLY DRESSED WITHOUT A SMILE
From Brainiac: This is to PowerMac, Rollerdiva and (so it seems) PeeWee, and anyone else who has ever worn JNCO or FUBU, or any other oversized pair of pants. This is to anyone who has ever worn all black for more than one day at a time who was not in mourning. Net: Ever been to Paris? This is to anyone who has a hair color that does not occur in nature. This is to those with metal hanging off of all sorts of places on their bodies, who have not ever showered on purpose, or who have ever worn long underwear under shorts. This is to all of these people who (after having admitted to one of the aforementioned offenses) have the audacity to make fun of the Abercrombie or Tommy fad, saying that it’s “just a bunch of ‘jocks’ trying to fit in.” Here’s the deal. Every morning, each and every one of us wakes up and makes a conscious decision concerning how we are going to dress that day. We make that decision based on a number of things ranging from comfort, to length of time on campus, to our friends’ opinions. Just because your friends encourage some sort of morbid Addams Family throwback does not mean they are any different than my friends. Which means you are no different from me. As a side note, how many letters do you see in the almighty Network in which the ‘Abercrombie Kids’ feel a need to belittle your sense of style? Not many. Ever wonder why? Net: Illiteracy? Because we don’t care what you wear. That’s not how we judge others. Ironic, huh? Net: Easy, Alanis Moreupset. So get off of your horse, folks. Eventually you will have to admit that deep inside we are all the same; the only difference is that you have chosen to put a chip on your shoulder about a human trait that is as common as having a nose.