Net: We begin today…

Net: We begin today with an entry …

FROM OUR COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

From Hint! Hint!: After reading the squirrel entry today, I realized how much I hate them and how stupid they really are. Who are these dumbasses who think up this kind of stuff? Net: They are our readers, thank you. And we love them all, even if it’s tough sometimes. You must be a real loser to write to the Daily and talk about them.
Why don’t you find something else to do instead of analyzing squirrel behavior or talk about how they are going to take over the campus? Net: Well, there are plenty of things to do, but the cops are patrolling livestock barns more closely now. My suggestion would be to get a life and/or find another hobby. Make use of your pathetic life!
It’s also a shame that people at Network choose print these entries thinking it will increase readership. Well, you are WRONG. I, among many, think they are dumb. My last suggestion would also be to stop printing CLA/IT debates and fraternity/sorority debates. This stuff has been getting very very old for the last three years I’ve been here.
So do us all a favor. Print unique and interesting entries instead of the same old crap. Net: Thank you, Hint! Hint!, for your constructive criticism. You have pointed out a long-standing, but little-known policy we’ve had here at Network for some time. As you acknowledged, whenever we see a unique, interesting entry, we always make sure it never gets into print. “Away, away, unique and interesting entry!” we scream. “Get out of our midst. We want FRATERNITY BASHING! Attacks on CLA. And while we’re at it, LET’S TALK INCESSANTLY ABOUT SQUIRRELS!!!!”
Yes, Hint! Hint!, you have us figured out. We neglect unique, interesting entries because we suppress them. Don’t think for a moment that our tremendously erudite, informed readers aren’t constantly sending us tremendously profound and witty musings by the hour. But from here on out, if we receive them, we promise to begin considering them. Unfortunately, it looks like we’ll have to wait for another entry besides yours, Hint! Hint!, before we find one.
HAVE YOU SEEN GOD?

From Evergreen: I can hardly believe what I saw in Network. Some Runner showed his inability to think for himself.
The mall preachers are the worst thing for this university in a number of ways.
First, the thought of something as obscure as God is like a child believing there are monsters under his or her bed. Net: Obviously, you’ve never been in bed with us. It is simply part of the imagination running wild. Religion is simply the myths and legends of cult leaders Net: Sounds like Lilith Fair, who were at the time considered maniacs, like those nuts who burned in Waco, Texas. Net: Today, of course, many of our cult leaders are called professors. What myths of ours will be exposed by future thought?
The foolish of today follow these old cult writings, to become the sheep that society wants them to be. Net: But you, Evergreen — or was that Howard Roark? — will stay strong in the face of the opiated masses. Religion claiming to be the defender of good is nothing more than a way to subdue and control people by telling them what is right and wrong rather than letting people think for themselves.
Second, look at the largest conflicts in the world right now. Net: Sorry — we’re not running any more squirrel letters today. Look why thousands have died in Israel. There are countless acts of violence committed in Ireland and England because of a difference in a few minor details of belief. We are finally seeing the horrible genocide that took place in the former Yugoslavia. These are only a few of the most recent atrocities caused by religion.
How many millions died in wars because of the cult they were crazy enough to be in? Let us please not forget all the wonderful people the Holocaust took from us. Could this not have been avoided if the world was not plagued by religion? Net: Imagine there’s no countries. It isn’t hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for … Religion has brought nothing but suffering and pain onto man/womankind.
It is time to throw off the shackles that religion places upon society. Net: Workers of the world, unite!
Each person should decide what their values are, not let some church, mosque or temple push them into what they do not believe in.
HAVE YOU SEEN BUSTER?

From The Powers That Be: We’re enclosing this picture of a lost dog named Buster. Buster is a 7-month-old puppy, Coon Hound/American Eskimo mix. He’s about 2 feet tall and 3 pounds. He has black short hair with a white stripe on his face, and white hair on his chest, paws and tip of his tail. He has a black nylon collar with a blue AVID tag.
He was last seen at 43rd and Vincent Avenue North, Minneapolis, on Friday, May 1.
It’s very important that we find Buster, because he escaped quarantine after he bit a 4-year-old girl. If we don’t find him, the girl will have to get rabies shots, just in case Buster was rabid.
If you have any information, call 522-7326 or 348-4250. Thanks.